XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"Tattoo?" she frowned. "what kind of tattoo did you get?"
''I got a hundred dollar bill one my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed one his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag, t'was 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'.
Well I just left her to it, and at 10, I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope; and in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago, I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well. She's eighty four next week!

Watching Mabel bump and grind could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse, she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet, a couple minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and said, "I am a dominater!"

Now if you knew our Mabel, you'd see just why I spluttered.
I'd spent two months in traction, for the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked, bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual like, and stood on her left tit.

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out. My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out, "Step on the other one!"
Well readers, I can't tell no more, about what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey.



A cub scout become a boy scout when he eats his first Brownie.

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant.
So, the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said,
"Yes, she did."
"Well then, you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Bisexual:
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.
They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time.
She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking
and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied,
"Err, I think her orgasm is stuck!"

"I'd rather be pissed off, than pissed on."
This is one of those times that the difference between "then" and "than" is
very important.

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so
she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now
refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said,
"Because I came this close to being a turd.

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.
The first one asks,
"Why is he looking at us like that?"
The second replies,
"He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture
first."

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing
his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife
saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what
I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This
is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.
Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what
happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Rachel didn't receive
your Email."

A woman asked a Scot what he wore under his kilt.
He said,
"Stick your hand under and you'll see!"
The woman did, then screamed,
"Gruesome!"
The Scot retorted,
"Stick your hand under again and you'll see that it grew some more."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

George was describing his new secretary enthusiastically to the family at
dinner:
"She's efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to
boot. In short, she's a real doll!"
"A doll?" said his wife.
"A doll!" re-emphasized George.
At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew about dolls, looked
up from her broccoli to ask:
"And does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?"

A sweet young thing of our acquaintance decided that she would rather be a
young man's slave than an old man's darling,
Because
She couldn't stand the idea of old age creeping up on her.

Men are like Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Okay," the judge-said, "tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in law
would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical
looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge
said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want
the divorce."

I keep telling my wife:
"It's NOT cheating on you with your sister, it's making love to you by
proxy."
Some women just don't understand.

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next
week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his
doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
"But how can this be," he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well, ER, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?", asks the doctor.
"No, how can I?'' he shouts, "I'm only a paper bag."
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"
"I've said to you before," the paper bag sobs, "How can I? I'm only a paper
bag."
"Ahhhh," says the doctor shaking his head sadly,
"As I suspected - your mother must have been a carrier."

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Australian Army (Excellent!) Bloody brilliant!!!

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at
first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping
in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots
and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit
the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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XX Who gives a ...

"When you're over Seventy, Who gives a s* *t." !

This a**ehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically
said, "Is that Tooheys or VB?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair
cut, you'd look all right."

I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends
over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then, try"

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said: "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***********

"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife
awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A man and a woman are driving home from a date.
The man stops the car, and the woman says:
"Oh no, you aren't going to pull the 'Out of gas' routine!"
The man says,
"No, it's the 'Hereafter' routine. If you're not here after what I'm here
after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."

This morning. The math teacher singled me out to ask me,
"If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sandy and $60 to Susan,
what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

You should treat your woman the way you treat your Hoover!
When it stops sucking, change the bag.

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.
One fine day, as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending
over to milk the cow.
He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find
the farmer to explain this strange happening.
Upon finding the farmer, he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his
stiff trouser snake, much to the horror of the farmer. "Farmer, farmer,"
Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk
shed, get some cow manure and rub it on your dick. It'll go down real fast,
trust me."
The next day, Jack was passing by the house when he looked in, and saw the
farmer's wife having a shower.
Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his
pants and picked up two handfuls of cow manure.
Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied," I'm going to rub this manure on my dick to make it go
down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said.
As she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt.
"Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did.
Both handfuls.

A man who spends the night at a gay bar
May wake up with a queer taste in his mouth.

The cabaret piano man was playing in an intimate and dimly lit club.
He couldn't help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace on a
love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough
to make a breathless request.
"Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," agreed the piano player. "Just let me know when you're
through."

Snow White was kicked out of Disney Land. A.
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying,
"Lie. You bastard! Lie!'"

"My, but you look different today Claudia." commented Reneto her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you
use? Special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?" "No!" replied Claudia.
"My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

You can always tell which is the head nurse.
She's the one with the dirty knees.

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NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a
baseball game ...

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down
in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the
home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts", and they all started
booing and cat calling Comfortable with their response, the
doctor
decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until
this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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Men - Pl enjoy - Women - Don't get annoyed!

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket;
get your wife's ticket free.
After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how
was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"
*******************************************

Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him
outside to wait.
Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him
in good mood, don't discuss your problems, don't demand new clothes or gold
jewels. Do this for one year and he will be fine.
On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!
*******************************************

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford
another woman.
*******************************************

Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in
the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: "Hello
darling!"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later honey, the
dumb lady is in the kitchen."
*******************************************

Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law, "don't teach me how to handle
my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of
improvement."
*******************************************

A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came home and asked, "What happened son?"
Kid said, "I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I need my own."
*******************************************

In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
*******************************************

What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you
continue to do so.
*******************************************

Husband and wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tire....
*******************************************

What's the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??

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XXXX ADULT PUNS!

MODELS will do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS like to be on top
MOVIE STARS do it on film.



On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied,
"Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"

Man who lose key to woman's apartment get no new key.

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room
at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.
Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she
telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for
pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door,
and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service,
the career woman exclaimed,
"My, you come lickety-split!"
"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Asian man. "Come to get laundry."

If marriage is all about procreation and children,
Should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries?
Just to make sure they're doing it for the right reasons.

One day, a door-to-door salesman knocked on a door.
Little Johnny answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was
home.
Little Johnny said
"No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy
replied,
"No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the
rush."
The salesman said,
"Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said,
"Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

To get a sorority girl in your bed, grease her hips so she'll fit through
the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her one the butt and said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she controlled her anger and
replied with silence.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch one the breast and
said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
That did it!
She rolled over and grabbed him by his dick.
With a death grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the
Gardner, the pool man, and your brother!"

How do you know when the wife is taking too many steroids?
You come home one evening, she strips you, throws you on the couch and
screws you up the ass hole with her clitoris!

It was a difficult case for the jurors.
They had to decide whether the owners of the bottoms up club in New York
City were guilty of obscenity.
The judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the
club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a
sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of
lovemaking on a bearskin rug.
The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So, the jury members asked to see the act one more time.
They watched it carefully again.
But they still couldn't reach a decision.
So, this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more
time.
Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding.
According to the detective:
"It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor.

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XXX Adult Limericks

Adult Limericks,
**************************

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
=============

There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
=============
Ginger from County of Dade,
Said, "I think that it's time I got laid.
My vibrator can tingle,
But it's not cunnilingual,
And that's how orgasms are made."
=============

There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
=============
There once was a man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
=============

There was a young lady of Arden,
Who sucked off ol' Bob in the garden.
He asked, "You old ho' ,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard)-- Beg pardon?"
=============

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Train Tickets - A little bit of humour

Three women and three men are at a railway ticket office, on their way to a
music festival. The three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.


'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the men.


'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.



Shortly after the train has departed the conductor comes around checking
tickets.


He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. '



The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor checks it and moves on.


The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so they decide
to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get
to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to
their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!


'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.


'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.


When they board the train the three men cram themselves into a toilet and
the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly after the train is on its way one of the women leaves her toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than
women.

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Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . .
And then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some MOST of the roads weren't
PAVED AND I HAD TO WORK ON THEM!

When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN!

Read More...

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Taxi Driver

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Toronto . It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"They become taxi drivers," she said.

Read More...

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New words for 2013!!!

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This
also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

Read More...

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Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune
teller delivered grave news:



"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."



Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.



She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.



She simply had to know.

.

.

.

.



She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will
I be acquitted?"

Read More...

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R u dumb?

'John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked the man.

"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she
won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again
asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back
to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I
want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was
really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim
responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." '

Read More...

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Atheist In The Woods..

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.


He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike
him.


At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian????'

'Very well'!!! , said the voice.

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
head in reverence & spake thus:

'Dear Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy magnificent
bounty...
Amen.'

Read More...

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Question to Confucius

Woman asks: If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?
Confucius replies:
It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's
a bad lock.
But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."

Read More...

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Here are some funny one-liners - some old, some new -

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist:
Someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets,
The more interested he is in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet
And
Those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what?
Who's in a hurry ?

My girlfriend asked me,
"Do You believe in love at first sight"?
I said,
"At the first sight of what"?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

Before marriage,
A man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage,
The 'Y' becomes silent.

Read More...

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Splinters in Her Crotch

A woman from Los Angeles who was a

tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter

purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was
a large tree on one of the highest points in the

tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor

of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As

she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that

attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid

down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in

her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried

to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and

an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the

splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and

then told her to go wait in the examining room and he

would see if he could help her. She sat and waited

three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry

woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the

Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,

and the Bureau of Land Management before I could

remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so

close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but

due to ObamaCare they turned you down."

Read More...

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Gain Brilliant Advice With These Quotes by Albert Einstein

There are many joys of reading powerful quotations.
One of them is to gain advice from the words of the wise.
Here is a collection of my favourite quotes by Albert Einstein.
Take his advice to heart and you will lead a fuller life.



Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy
habits of thinking.

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.

Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.

It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite
direction.

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my
contempt.

He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord
would suffice.

Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.

Never lose a holy curiosity.

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.



The important thing is not to stop questioning.

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all
be a sheep oneself.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Knowledge is limited.
Imagination encircles the world.

Read More...

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

My son asked me,
"Dad, what's a camel toe?"
"Well son, I spluttered, "It's the outline of the ladies privates in her
underwear. Why do you want to know?"
"We have a school project about different types of travel around the world.
I'm doing the desert caravan. I know huskies in the Arctic tow sleds. Just
wondering what a camel tows."

Never take a nurse as a lover.
They're taught to wait until the swelling goes down.

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon and
passes a florist shop.
On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.
When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays
back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says
"Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

The new rule at the girls' school:
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not a Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

I was pretty excited when my dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to
feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day, Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived,
So, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said,
"For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied,
"I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The damn judge
gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and
said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over
with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Read More...

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Here come the horse meat jokes ....

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So, I had a $5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony
that she's always wanted!

Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead
horse!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of .....SHERGARS BUM

Read More...

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Age is in ones mind..

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Read More...

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XX smoker in a non smoking store

Sales lady: Excuse me sir this is a non smoking store.
Smoker: But I bought my cigarettes from here.
Sales lady: I know!, we sell condoms too and that doesn't mean you can
use them here.

Read More...

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Tale of a Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting
room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory
is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory
was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has
been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."

He retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed."
"Why is that?" I asked.

"Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them
that I didn't steal your car.

Yep, it's the golden years.

Read More...

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BRAINS OF BRITAIN

I had a good laugh at some of these – I've no idea if they are genuine
though!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for ''cherry pickers' and ''cheese mongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and
your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A
Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about
their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... .....
Richard:
He makes bread . . ...
Contestant:
Er .. ........
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant:
Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting
by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let
you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... .....
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . ..
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ...
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ...
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep
at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad
only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

Read More...

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Interesting Quotes

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery
from the clock and Enjoy life!


2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is
like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Think about it.


3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but
what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!


4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules
the world! That's called Attitude!


5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father
did!


6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died,
the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived,
cannot die!


7. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it is a
logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without
drinking!!

8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping
from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow but
sure!


9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!


10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or
married to someone else!


11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru

12. We should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi
Now, whom to follow and which one to choose ?

Read More...

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Neologisms-more stuff

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest,

in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:-

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

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Retired Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realised that I don't really give a damn.

It's the tortoise life for me!



1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.



I'm retired. Go around me. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I hereafter



19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



PS: DID I SEND THESE LITTLE GEMS TO YOU BEFORE?

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XX Adult humour.

To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in
between them.

If outer one breaks, she will know'
if inner one breaks, you will know!
___________________________________________________

A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms.
The other 35% carry babies.


A Guy picks up a girl for the date, and on seeing her, asks:
Why are you wearing your belt around the knee?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
_______________________________________________________________________
Thought for the day:
In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a man is like a
traveller.
The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!
_______________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen.
________________________________________________________________________

A Greek & an Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
________________________________________________________________________
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, "You're
beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist
THE man for you?" "Because," explained Marsha, "he is the first man
that ever said to me 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: Why does a prostitute need a triangle coffin?
A: Because everytime her head hits a pillow, the legs spread!
________________________________________________________________________

Jhony: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?
Leon: What are you saying. I would never even think about such things.
Jhony: Well. You might want to. She is much better, than yours.
________________________________________________________________________

Jeena: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?
Sheena: I did once & saw anger.
Jeena: Why?
Sheena: Because he was watching from the window.

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XX The Black Bra.. (as narrated by women) ...

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door each wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are the woman of my dreams... I love you.' Then we made passionate
love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble.. and we had wild brutal sex in 'untamed' places all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door
and saw me he said,

(you are just going to love this..)















So what's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Quotes .... Marilyn Monroe

In its feature on the top 100 people of the last century, TIME magazine
wrote about Marilyn Monroe,
"She sauntered through life as the most delectable sex symbol of the century
and became its most enduring pop confection."

Marilyn Monroe was born Norma Jeane Mortenson and legally changed her name
to Marilyn Monroe in 1956.

She became an American icon after a series of sexy performances on the
silver screen.

On this page, you can read some interesting quotes by Marilyn Monroe.

(on her marriage to Jim Dougherty)... My marriage brought me neither
happiness nor pain. My husband and I hardly spoke to each other. This wasn't
because we were angry. We had nothing to say.

A career is born in public -- talent in privacy.

Acting isn't something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you're
going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious
preparation, but you have unconscious results.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After
marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Blond hair and breasts, that's how I got started. I couldn't act. All I had
was blond hair and a body men liked. The reason I got ahead is that I was
lucky and met the right men.

Dogs never bite me, just humans.

Even though I was born there, I still can't think of one good thing to say
about it. If I close my eyes, and picture LA, all I see is one big varicose
vein.

Every morning I walk across my apartment rolling an empty soda bottle
between my ankles, in order to preserve my balance.

Fame is fickle and I know it.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I always sleep with my mouth open. I know because it's open when I wake up.

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

I knew I belonged to the public and to the world. Not because I was talented
or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone
else.

I like actors very much, but to marry one would be like marrying your
brother. You look too much alike in the mirror.

I love to do the things the censors won't pass.

I never wear stockings or underclothes because I think it is important to
breathe freely.

I restore myself when I'm alone.

I seldom write letters, but I love calling friends, especially late at
night, when I can't sleep.

I used to think as I looked at the Hollywood night, "There must be thousands
of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm
not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."

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Samurai! and others

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai.

After a year, only three applied for the job:

A Japanese,
A Chinese and
A Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly
divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! *

The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward opened a tiny box
releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his
sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."

"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !!


"Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

Party


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas
party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
" Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY...

-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

-There go the lights again...

-Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... And this guy's got two of 'em.

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-What's this doing here?

-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

-Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

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Decided to offend someone today!!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said, "I've not
eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly
found in cells. Apparently, "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the
correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry
about the wait." I said, "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Any change?" I said, "No, you're
still black".

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, "What's
wrong?" The boy says, "Me ma is dead"."Oh bejaysus" the man says, "Do you
want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?" The boy replies, "No tanks
mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ... I'm
going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer
looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up
there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question .......
Which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair
?' Apparently the correct answer was Fiji...

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; "You are grossly overweight" he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK - you're bloody ugly as well"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the tits of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent $2,000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent another $2,000 on liposuction for her.
She was over the moon.
Then I spend $50 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental.
Women!

70% of the gay population were born that way.
30% were sucked into it.

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having
any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the
husband.
"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently.
The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky, so
I shoot it into the pillow."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

When I first learned that my teenage daughter went through the car wash with
her top down, I thought,
"Well, kids can be forgetful sometimes."
Then, I remembered she doesn't have a convertible.
Or a car, for that matter.

Pick-Up Line:
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.


Tony, the milkman, had a door to door delivery service.
A lady called down from her apartment,
"Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."
"What apartment, lady?"
She said,
"4 Q."
Tony yelled back,
"4 Q too, lady!"

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

I am such a lucky man.
My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our house for a
few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want all weekend.
Well, what she actually said was,
"I'm off to London this weekend with work, so you will have the house to
yourself"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one
day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over
said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand
there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150-seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who
had spoken.
Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

They made a movie about my wife's sex life,
'The Night of the Living Dead'.

I've decided to call our bathroom the "Jim" instead of the "John"
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the "Jim" every morning.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered good
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman "I wasn't talking about his finger."

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

A Catholic boy in confession says,
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my
sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he
would like to enjoy life a little.
So, he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by
the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of
days.
Two days later, he was told that his application was refused.
He went there to find out why.
He was asked,
"You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that." "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a
circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march
in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of
Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a
complete schmuck (prick) to be a Scotsman!"

Went to our local bar with my wife last night.
Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my
wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which
his Dad keeps saying
"No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says,
"OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds
to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks,
"So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbled on."

When a girl says,
"No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

Someone once asked me,
"What is your job?"
I replied,
"I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, he asked,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin' advice,
she'll ask me for it."

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and more money than you thought
you had."

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu,
Would it be called a bullshit?

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks
or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's
plenty of shot in your bag.

Men's Thoughts During Love Making:
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking:
"I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking:
"If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

The gay man took two aspirin with his Viagra
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

"So at the end of our first date, he told me he wanted me for a friend."
"All right."
"Yeah, but on the second date, he brought the friend!"

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of
temptation," she said, "Ask yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Garbage men come once a week.


Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

On a southbound train a few months after the civil war, a young belle
suddenly moved from her seat next to a businessman and sat beside a
confederate veteran who was on his way home from the front lines.
"That carpetbagger offered me fifty dollars to sleep with him tonight," the
offended girl indignantly told the soldier.
The southerner immediately drew his gun and shot the man.
"Let that be a lesson to any other damn Yankees. We never pay a girl over
twenty dollars here in Dixie!"

What do a condom and a woman have in common?
They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your
dick.

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A look back at 2012 - SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT - BUT WHAT THE HELL

No offence intended to any sensitive flowers!

A look back at 2012 - SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT - BUT WHAT THE HELL
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small
jugs.

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's
riots.... Your one-year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon ….

-------------------

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and
with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They're both in hospital - one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy
tikka!

----------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A freshman college girl described her date with the star quarterback to her
roommate.
"And, you won't believe this, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me, 'Do you want some of this?'"
"Oh God! What did you say?"
"I said, 'No, thanks. But you go ahead. You really don't have enough to
share.'"

Little 4-year-old Melanie rushed into the kitchen where her mother was
preparing lunch.
Melanie was all excited, tugged one her mother's skirt, and looking up,
asked,
"Mommy, can a 4-year-old girl have a baby?"
Her mother looks at the small child, and tells her,
"Of course not, honey. She's too young."
The mother turning back to the stove hears the screen door slam, and her
daughter running across the porch loudly exclaiming happily,
"It's okay, boys. We can play the same game again!"


What do you call an empty Budweiser bottle with 15 bumblebees trapped
inside?
A redneck vibrator.


A salesman is visiting West Hollywood California, and checks into a local
motel.
As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he
looked a bit frazzled.
He asked
"Sir was everything OK with your room?"
He angrily replies,
"Was everything OK? I wake up at 2:00 in the morning with this huge cowboy
sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head. He tells me that if l don't
suck his dick he's going to blow my freaking head off!"
The desk clerk is shocked and asks,
"What did you do?"
The salesman replied,
"You didn't you hear any shooting, did you?"


Don't do it with bankers,
Most of them are tellers.


A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger on
top of his wife in their bed.
He says,
"What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says,
"I told you that he was stupid."


You can tell you're in a tough lesbian bar
When even the pool table doesn't have balls.

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Marriage India style

This is an actual letter (taken from The Times of India) in response to a
`Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am
seeing your advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper.

So I decide to press myself on you and I am hopping you will make the
marriage with me.

I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna .
I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I
educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School , Bezna Road .

I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled
with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly.
Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast
baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are
running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. Balls are
bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.

I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy
always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I
giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how
nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things.
I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for
all the peoples. So I am not doing so. I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I
am going to jim and I am pumping like anything.

Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I
pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing
everywhere.

I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open
for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself
only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That
is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my
things into your hands.

Madam, if you are marrying me, I am telling you, I will be hardly loving you
everyday. If you are not marrying me then I will press you and press you
until you come. I am at your feet and slowing looking up, with hope. I am
waiting very badly for your reply why because I am stiff with excitement and
anticipation.

Expecting good answer and speedy replies to me in the future.
Namaste.
Yours,
Hiralal

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Mohammads first day at school

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you
will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two
fucking Arabs."

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Golf balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking

deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Today's Short Reading from the Bible... really funny

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis :

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in
all corners of the earth."


Then he made the earth round ...................and he laughed and
laughed and laughed!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

I went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some woman who was snoring and
farting.
So, I knew I made it home OK!

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a freaking microwave?"

Why are clams like women?
Because
When the red tide comes you don't eat them.

Bob was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said,
"It's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" responded Bob. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the
kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madam wouldn't
give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'sexual matters' at my
company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses
on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to
suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts, and it was after that I
was told if they ever wanted my f*ckin' advice, they'd let me know."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a really
stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host, a buddy, about the situation, and the latter
thought a bit, then said,
"Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff
that she'll go to bed with you just like your wife."
"Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her that stiff."

Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous gal sitting by herself at the
bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then, returning the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Harry replied,
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

Did you hear about the gay bear that laid his paw on the table?

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


Pick-Up Line:
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were
naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right',"
he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting
for 'Mr. Big'."

Men always pay more for car insurance
Because
Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving._,_.___

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XX Swimming lessons

A man was teaching a woman how to swim. After a long teaching ,
finally the woman said .

"Tell me frankly, will I really sink like a leaking boat if you take
your 'finger' out.???

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Little Johnny strikes again.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she
called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Noreen has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.............

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