Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

XX The Black Bra.. (as narrated by women) ...

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door each wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are the woman of my dreams... I love you.' Then we made passionate
love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble.. and we had wild brutal sex in 'untamed' places all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door
and saw me he said,

(you are just going to love this..)

So what's for dinner, Zorro?"

Quotes .... Marilyn Monroe

In its feature on the top 100 people of the last century, TIME magazine
wrote about Marilyn Monroe,
"She sauntered through life as the most delectable sex symbol of the century
and became its most enduring pop confection."

Marilyn Monroe was born Norma Jeane Mortenson and legally changed her name
to Marilyn Monroe in 1956.

She became an American icon after a series of sexy performances on the
silver screen.

On this page, you can read some interesting quotes by Marilyn Monroe.

(on her marriage to Jim Dougherty)... My marriage brought me neither
happiness nor pain. My husband and I hardly spoke to each other. This wasn't
because we were angry. We had nothing to say.

A career is born in public -- talent in privacy.

Acting isn't something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you're
going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious
preparation, but you have unconscious results.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After
marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Blond hair and breasts, that's how I got started. I couldn't act. All I had
was blond hair and a body men liked. The reason I got ahead is that I was
lucky and met the right men.

Dogs never bite me, just humans.

Even though I was born there, I still can't think of one good thing to say
about it. If I close my eyes, and picture LA, all I see is one big varicose
vein.

Every morning I walk across my apartment rolling an empty soda bottle
between my ankles, in order to preserve my balance.

Fame is fickle and I know it.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I always sleep with my mouth open. I know because it's open when I wake up.

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

I knew I belonged to the public and to the world. Not because I was talented
or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone
else.

I like actors very much, but to marry one would be like marrying your
brother. You look too much alike in the mirror.

I love to do the things the censors won't pass.

I never wear stockings or underclothes because I think it is important to
breathe freely.

I restore myself when I'm alone.

I seldom write letters, but I love calling friends, especially late at
night, when I can't sleep.

I used to think as I looked at the Hollywood night, "There must be thousands
of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm
not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."

Samurai! and others

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai.

After a year, only three applied for the job:

A Japanese,
A Chinese and
A Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly
divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! *

The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward opened a tiny box
releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his
sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."

"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !!

"Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

Party

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas
party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
" Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY...

-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

-There go the lights again...

-Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... And this guy's got two of 'em.

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-What's this doing here?

-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

-Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Decided to offend someone today!!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said, "I've not
eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly
found in cells. Apparently, "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the
correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry
about the wait." I said, "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Any change?" I said, "No, you're
still black".

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, "What's
wrong?" The boy says, "Me ma is dead"."Oh bejaysus" the man says, "Do you
want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?" The boy replies, "No tanks
mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ... I'm
going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer
looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up
there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question .......
Which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair
?' Apparently the correct answer was Fiji...

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; "You are grossly overweight" he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK - you're bloody ugly as well"

XX ADULT PUNS!

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the tits of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent $2,000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent another $2,000 on liposuction for her.
She was over the moon.
Then I spend $50 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental.
Women!

70% of the gay population were born that way.
30% were sucked into it.

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having
any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the
husband.
"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently.
The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky, so
I shoot it into the pillow."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

When I first learned that my teenage daughter went through the car wash with
her top down, I thought,
"Well, kids can be forgetful sometimes."
Then, I remembered she doesn't have a convertible.
Or a car, for that matter.

Pick-Up Line:
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

Tony, the milkman, had a door to door delivery service.
A lady called down from her apartment,
"Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."
"What apartment, lady?"
She said,
"4 Q."
Tony yelled back,
"4 Q too, lady!"

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

I am such a lucky man.
My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our house for a
few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want all weekend.
Well, what she actually said was,
"I'm off to London this weekend with work, so you will have the house to
yourself"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one
day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over
said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand
there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150-seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who
had spoken.
Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

They made a movie about my wife's sex life,
'The Night of the Living Dead'.

I've decided to call our bathroom the "Jim" instead of the "John"
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the "Jim" every morning.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered good
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman "I wasn't talking about his finger."

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

A Catholic boy in confession says,
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my
sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers."

XXX ADULT PUNS!

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he
would like to enjoy life a little.
So, he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by
the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of
days.
Two days later, he was told that his application was refused.
He went there to find out why.
He was asked,
"You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that." "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a
circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march
in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of
Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a
complete schmuck (prick) to be a Scotsman!"

Went to our local bar with my wife last night.
Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my
wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which
his Dad keeps saying
"No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says,
"OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds
to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks,
"So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbled on."

When a girl says,
"No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

Someone once asked me,
"What is your job?"
I replied,
"I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, he asked,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin' advice,
she'll ask me for it."

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and more money than you thought
you had."

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu,
Would it be called a bullshit?

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks
or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's
plenty of shot in your bag.

Men's Thoughts During Love Making:
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking:
"I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking:
"If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Monday, February 11, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

The gay man took two aspirin with his Viagra
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

"So at the end of our first date, he told me he wanted me for a friend."
"All right."
"Yeah, but on the second date, he brought the friend!"

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of
temptation," she said, "Ask yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Garbage men come once a week.

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

On a southbound train a few months after the civil war, a young belle
suddenly moved from her seat next to a businessman and sat beside a
confederate veteran who was on his way home from the front lines.
"That carpetbagger offered me fifty dollars to sleep with him tonight," the
offended girl indignantly told the soldier.
The southerner immediately drew his gun and shot the man.
"Let that be a lesson to any other damn Yankees. We never pay a girl over
twenty dollars here in Dixie!"

What do a condom and a woman have in common?
They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your
dick.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

A look back at 2012 - SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT - BUT WHAT THE HELL

No offence intended to any sensitive flowers!

A look back at 2012 - SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT - BUT WHAT THE HELL
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small
jugs.

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's
riots.... Your one-year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon ….

-------------------

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and
with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They're both in hospital - one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy
tikka!

----------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on.

XXX ADULT PUNS!

A freshman college girl described her date with the star quarterback to her
roommate.
"And, you won't believe this, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me, 'Do you want some of this?'"
"Oh God! What did you say?"
"I said, 'No, thanks. But you go ahead. You really don't have enough to
share.'"

Little 4-year-old Melanie rushed into the kitchen where her mother was
preparing lunch.
Melanie was all excited, tugged one her mother's skirt, and looking up,
asked,
"Mommy, can a 4-year-old girl have a baby?"
Her mother looks at the small child, and tells her,
"Of course not, honey. She's too young."
The mother turning back to the stove hears the screen door slam, and her
daughter running across the porch loudly exclaiming happily,
"It's okay, boys. We can play the same game again!"

What do you call an empty Budweiser bottle with 15 bumblebees trapped
inside?
A redneck vibrator.

A salesman is visiting West Hollywood California, and checks into a local
motel.
As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he
looked a bit frazzled.
He asked
"Sir was everything OK with your room?"
He angrily replies,
"Was everything OK? I wake up at 2:00 in the morning with this huge cowboy
sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head. He tells me that if l don't
suck his dick he's going to blow my freaking head off!"
The desk clerk is shocked and asks,
"What did you do?"
The salesman replied,
"You didn't you hear any shooting, did you?"

Don't do it with bankers,
Most of them are tellers.

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger on
top of his wife in their bed.
He says,
"What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says,
"I told you that he was stupid."

You can tell you're in a tough lesbian bar
When even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Marriage India style

This is an actual letter (taken from The Times of India) in response to a
`Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am
seeing your advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper.

So I decide to press myself on you and I am hopping you will make the
marriage with me.

I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna .
I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I
educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School , Bezna Road .

I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled
with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly.
Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast
baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are
running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. Balls are
bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.

I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy
always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I
giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how
nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things.
I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for
all the peoples. So I am not doing so. I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I
am going to jim and I am pumping like anything.

Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I
pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing
everywhere.

I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open
for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself
only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That
is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my
things into your hands.

Madam, if you are marrying me, I am telling you, I will be hardly loving you
everyday. If you are not marrying me then I will press you and press you
until you come. I am at your feet and slowing looking up, with hope. I am
waiting very badly for your reply why because I am stiff with excitement and
anticipation.

Expecting good answer and speedy replies to me in the future.
Namaste.
Yours,
Hiralal

Mohammads first day at school

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you
will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two
fucking Arabs."

Golf balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking

deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... really funny

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis :

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in
all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round ...................and he laughed and
laughed and laughed!

XX ADULT PUNS!

I went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some woman who was snoring and
farting.
So, I knew I made it home OK!

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a freaking microwave?"

Why are clams like women?
Because
When the red tide comes you don't eat them.

Bob was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said,
"It's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" responded Bob. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the
kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madam wouldn't
give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'sexual matters' at my
company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses
on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to
suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts, and it was after that I
was told if they ever wanted my f*ckin' advice, they'd let me know."

Monday, February 04, 2013

XX ADULT PUNS!

It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a really
stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host, a buddy, about the situation, and the latter
thought a bit, then said,
"Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff
that she'll go to bed with you just like your wife."
"Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her that stiff."

Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous gal sitting by herself at the
bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then, returning the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Harry replied,
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

Did you hear about the gay bear that laid his paw on the table?

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

Pick-Up Line:
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were
naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right',"
he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting
for 'Mr. Big'."

Men always pay more for car insurance
Because
Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving._,_.___

XX Swimming lessons

A man was teaching a woman how to swim. After a long teaching ,
finally the woman said .

"Tell me frankly, will I really sink like a leaking boat if you take
your 'finger' out.???

Friday, February 01, 2013

Little Johnny strikes again.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she
called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Noreen has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.............

Thursday, January 31, 2013

English stiff upper lip.

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood..
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Gray,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he
neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot
the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the
animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do
you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that

A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked
around, then approached the clerk.
"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?" she asked.
"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one. It's
inscribed, 'To the Man Who Was My First'"
"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in
the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked
your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?" the
private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:

FULL BODY SCANS AT THE AIRPORT:

The T.S.A. disclosed the Airport Screening Results
October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland
Security:
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3

It was also discovered that 535 members of Parliament had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.

X ADULT PUNS

VIRUS ALERT!
Ellen Degeneres virus -
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky virus -
Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus -
Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus -
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus -
Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus -
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus -
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last
night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. (Gil
Ross)

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Pick-up Line:
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops
up.

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of
naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into 'Olympics'.

A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a
young fireman rushed up.
Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
"Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.
"You're not rescued yet either."

Monday, January 28, 2013

XX VASECTOMY

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a

very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to

take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the

table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and

climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks

what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies

have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be
more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to

locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the
right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have
Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

This is BRILLIANT.

TWO DIFFICULT THINGS TO ACHIEVE;

1. To plant your ideas in someone else's head.

2. To put someone else's money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.

And the Second is called a POLITICIAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.

The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND !!!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

X PUNS OF THE DAY!

Gardening Hint:
For 'smart rose bushes' water them with beer.
It makes the bud wiser.

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was carefully cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you
quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says,
"Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you sounded like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

"The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. And Canadian
governments could agree to de-pollute the lake," said Tom with superior
knowledge.

"What do you do?" the pretty young thing asked the fellow on the stool next
to her at the local watering hole.
"I'm a carnival performer," he said. "I do amazing mental tricks."
"Really? Like what?" she asked.
"The most amazing one is, I can feel a woman's breasts, and tell the exact
day she was born."
"No way!"
"Yes, really."
"OK, try it on me," she said.
He reached over, put his hands up her shirt, and started poking, prodding,
caressing, and gently pinching.
He was clearly concentrating, but didn't say a word.
"Well?" she finally demanded after about two minutes. "When was I born?!"
"I've got it exactly," he said, with one final squeeze. "Yesterday."

The circus strongman had a brief affair with the contortionist,
But she broke it off.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.
But where is the proof?

The new husband had just sat down to the first dinner cooked by his new
bride.
He fished a piece of paper out of what was supposed to be a stew.
He unfolded the paper and read,
"Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to the Northwest died away."
"What the heck is this?"
"Well," the young wife replied, "the recipe said that if the stew was too
thin, I should add some Browning."

I was going to buy some loose tea,
But
The price was too steep.

Four old retired guys.........

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona .
They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be
true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and
says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't
even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer
- it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front
of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Australia,

They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

XX 'Fifty Shades of Grey

For those of you who have read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' (and those who have
not) - I think this is hilarious!
Sending this to everyone with a sense of humour - best laugh in ages!
Fifty Shades of Grey

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
Oh, the sight filled me with dread.

In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer .

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
and, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left t*t.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

Anon.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

X Puns of the Day

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
Why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears,
Does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
Is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an end angered
plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

President of Pakistan:

Mr. Asif Zardari teaching his children the spelling of Assassination.

One ass behind another ass, behind that I , and behind me the whole nation.

Well now you know!

XX ADULT PUNS!

The smell of limburger won't please
Most people, and I'm one of these
In fact that's the way
Most folks came to say
That farting, is cutting the cheese

Uncle Professor asked his nephews, Little Pauly and Little Maury,
"Do you know what the elements are?"
Maury, hesitantly:
"Fire -- Water -- I can't remember any other, Uncle."
"How about you, Pauly?" asked uncle Professor.
Pauly, confidently:
"Fire, Water, Earth and Screwing."
Uncle Professor was flabbergasted.
"That filthy thing you named, whatever made you include it?"
Pauly:
"My sister says that when her boyfriend gets to screwing, he's really in his
element."

Since his indiscretions have come to light, Several of Tiger Woods' sponsors
have dropped him.
However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
They are making a new drug called 'Tiagra'.
"It's good for 18 holes."

A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
So, she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later, the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks
his mother for a glass of cider.
His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass
and again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later, the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been
piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.
So, she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of
the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.
"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

You shouldn't hire two Greek guys in the same workplace
Because
They will always find a way to get a little behind in their work.

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed
out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked,
"Judy, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about
to kill someone."
"I am!" Judy fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All
summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin
for position."

In tennis one toe over the line is a foot fault,
But
The biggest mistake in tennis is an ass fault.

Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were
meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied,
"I know. I know."

Gladiator:
A Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two
front teeth.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

PUNS OF THE DAY!

You find no true love
Doubling up in tennis
For everyone scores

I'm working on a book on relationships, it's going to be called
'Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus,
Cougars are from Mercury, and because
Zombies look like crap maybe they're from Uranus'.

Texts on Twitter cannot be verbose,
So each message is just a small dose.
"The character limit,
One forty," said one wit,
"Is real good 'cause four more would be gross."

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who
had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death.
When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his
office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

When one fails to sew the seat of the pants together well,
The result is unseemly.

A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana,
this question.
"My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable
inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to
be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the
material universes, and life is impossible without it."
He continued,
"I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."

A Cajun restaurant made all their sauce on one day for the week.
The cook roux'ed the day.

Olivia came home crying one afternoon.
"Oh, Mom!" she sobbed as she walked in the front door.
"Dear, what's wrong?" her mother asked.
Her daughter tried to stammer out an answer but couldn't.
Her mother walked over and hugged her.
"Rick said we needed some space!" Olivia finally said, teary-eyed, a minute
later.
"That's terrible, sweetie! You two have been together so long," her mother
replied. "Did he say why?"
"I don't know why," Olivia said. "I just hung up as soon as I heard that."
"Let's go over there," Mom suggested. "I'll talk some sense into him!"
They drove over to their apartment.
Walking through the front door, they negotiated the hallways until they
found Rick.
"Hi, Mrs. Matthews," Rick said cheerily, then changed his tune when he saw
Olivia teary-eyed.
"What's wrong, Olivia?" he asked.
"My daughter has informed me you told her you and she needed some space,"
her mother said, eyebrows knotted into a brow and arms folded in front of
her.
"Of course we do!" Rick replied with a sweeping arm motion. "Look at this
place! It looks like an episode of 'Hoarders!' We seriously need to
organize!"

A young girl got a bad sunburn at the beach when she forgot to use a
sun-blocking lotion.
Her mother said.
"Let that be a less sun to you."

The preacher came to call the other day.
He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him,
"Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am - in the bedroom, upstairs,
in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here
after?'"

There are only 10 types of people in the world,
Those who know binary
And
Those who don't.

Computer Poem

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now his two front teeth are missing.

"It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his
partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see,
and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then
she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she
unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even
know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."

You must have a mirror in your pocket
Because
I can easily see myself in your pants.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit
TV show.
All she had to do was divide her favours between the star and the producer.
It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all.
You might even say she was shared skit less.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies:
"Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be
best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have
sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother:
"Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
The little boy returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father then says:
"Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal
for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister:
"Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
He returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father answers:
"Okay son, here's the deal: hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in
reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one
night.
The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool.
The nurse said,
"I would rather play with your privates."

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to do
about sex .
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to undress and
get on the bed and he would show them what to do. The young woman undressed
as she was told by Maury and preceded to get on the bed.
Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps involved in making love,
in every possible position.
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman interrupted,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do. He is a little forgetful."

A gay masochist is
A sucker for punishment.

Three Drunkards!

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned
it off again.
He told them.
"We have reached ".
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked,thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
But he asked "whats that for?".
The 3rd guy replied:
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!". . .

XX ADULT PUNS!

Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating a Kurd all day.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
And with her he had his whey

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says,
"Open wide."
"I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms!"

A passionate kiss like a spider's web,
Soon leads to the undoing of a fly.

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
Even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me. Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the daughter, "won't it knock my
teeth out?"

Secretary to boss:
"I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"You're not sterile."

The abbot of a nearby abbey was out in the city running errands downtown
when he saw a woman of questionable character say to a passerby,
"Twenty bucks for a blow job,"
At which point the passerby and the woman promptly went down the next alley,
where they went out of view.
The abbot was perplexed, for the very same thing occurred at another street
corner in the city.
He was walking down a sidewalk, when another woman, much the same as the
first, stated to another passerby,
"Twenty bucks for a blow job," at which point the two rapidly went into a
nearby alley, where the abbot couldn't see what was going on.
Still not knowing what a "blow job" was, the abbot left the city as naive as
he was upon entering it.
Back up the hill, the abbot was still contemplating what a blow job was, so
he went to see the mother superior at the adjacent convent.
"Mother superior," he asked, "what's a blow job?"
"Twenty bucks, same as downtown."

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
All you can eat under a buck.

Judy took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said,
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"
She replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied, "Who did I miss?"

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Donuts.

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle

The attractive Yuppiette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was
talking to one of the wives over drinks.
"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied,
"That's not surprising darling, considering the number of times you've been
inoculated."

When you mix PMS with GPS,
You get a crazy bitch who WILL find you.

A young couple were on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at
a historic graveyard to look around.
After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and
went at it on a tomb.
The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a
doctor.
The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.
"How old are you, my dear?" the doctor asked.
"I am 22!" replied the wife. "Why?"
The doctor replied,
"Because on your butt it says that you were born in 1755."

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny lady?
A counterfeit dollar is a phony buck.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel room and
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said
"No."
Daisy told Donald that they could not have sex if he didn't have a condom.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So, Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms,
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that one your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am!"

Love is a matter of chemistry,
Sex is a matter of physics.

Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.
He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly
sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her
cunt.
The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim.
"You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your face looks familiar."

Dairy Queen:
A milkman in high heels

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his car in
a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said,
"I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof," Mike turned into a hotel.

An Australian leisure centre is
A sheep tied to a lamp post.

XXX An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel....

With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....
"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm
breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to
live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in
the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could
feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically
thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by
inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned
ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with
enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself
from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing
climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment
that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep
orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching
night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long
and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Wales, and certain parts of
North Yorkshire.

Monday, January 14, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Woman wanted to screw on her date
Man was flaccid.
She said,
"I can't wait."
Put blue pill in his hand.
"Take it now, understand?"
He replied,
"Let me get this straight."

The attorney said to the victim on the witness stand,
"When my accused client hit you with a near lethal blow, you were
hospitalised. What did you have in your hands at that time?"
The injured replied,
"I had his wife's legs raised and held in my hands."

The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked,
"What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed,
"I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because
I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read.
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she
caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's
throat!"

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts out to his wife,
"I don't know why I even put up with you. You aren't even good in bed!"
He then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" he asks.
"I was in bed," she answers.
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" he asks.
"Getting a second opinion!" comes her climactic reply.

A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman.
He propositioned her, and all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually he went to bed with the woman, but his friends had to put him up
to it.

Judy was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.
"After dinner, "she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I
refused. I told him how my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly,
"Then what happened? "
"Oy, Michael kept insisting, and I kept refusing,"
Judy said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his
mother worry."

COOKIE:
A virgin doughnut.

Friday, January 11, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating a Kurd all day.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
And with her he had his whey

The constipated composer couldn't finish the last movement.

The guy who delivers our office supplies has a heavy Portuguese accent, and
when he saw the National Geographic video about seals sitting on the table
he smiled broadly and shouted,
"Foka! Foka!"
"No," I said, "If you Fuck one of those in this country I'm pretty sure
you'll go to prison on some 'humping and endangered species' charge."
"No, no, no," he said quickly. "Foka mean 'seal' in Portuguese."
"I see," I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the
picture. "So I'm betting that that's the mother foka?"

Half of all people use the Internet, and the other half of the people have
sex with a live partner.

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the
morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

A fourth-grader is sitting at dinner with his parents and says,
"Pop, today one of the kids in my class called me a faggot."
His father says,
"Well, son, tomorrow I want you to walk up to that boy on the playground and
punch him right in the nose."
His son says,
"Do I have to, Pop? He's awful cute."

A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she were
sexually active.
She said that she was not.
Examination revealed she was pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied,
"I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies,
"No. Who?"

Did you hear about the medieval prostitute who worked six knights a week?

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught.
I asked him what was wrong.
Bill said,
"As you know, I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a
part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's 'Romeo And Juliet'. I went and
tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a
misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script
clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

Country preacher

Country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his
study table four objects..

1. A Bible.....?

2. A silver dollar.....?

3. A bottle of whiskey.....?

4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he
comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and
Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver
dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

He is going to run for parliament

Thursday, January 10, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to
calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

Confucius Say:
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says
"We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . .. Why?"
She answers
"I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get
the bloody mop out again!"

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.? Can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is
so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was
missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next
door joined the Navy!'

This blonde thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each one had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents,
Do you think they went for water?

This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking
about getting married.
They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were
sexually compatible.
The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said,
"So long Lucy."
She said,
"Goodbye, Shorty."

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dicktater.

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the
main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source
of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?"
The Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your
boobs twice a day and only having sex once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

What do you call a chain of hotel rooms where midgets can stay for nothing?
Stay Free Mini Pads.

An old man made it shakily through the door to the Mustang Ranch, outside
Reno, Nevada.
The receptionist stared at him.
"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking
for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got four or five
girls ready-n-able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed,
"Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Pop, you've had it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers
reached for his wallet.
"How much do I owe you?"

The difference between a nun at vespers and a nun in the bathtub is;
A nun at vespers has hope in her soul.

A guy goes into the doctor's office and says he has a problem in his rectum.
The doctor tells him to take off his pants and sees that there is a lettuce
growing out of his ass.
The doctor examines it and the guy says
"Is this serious?"
And the doctor says "You have a big problem here, buddy. And this is just
the tip of the Iceberg!"

Propose:
A provocative stance by a prostitute or fashion model

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
If dicks had wings her mouth would be an airport

Monday, January 07, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now two of his front teeth are missing.

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for
Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl,
"Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Chanukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl,
"Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies,
"That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."

You can easily tell if a track star is gay.
He's always trying to lap the other runners!

Two housewives met in the local supermarket.
One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline.
She explained,
"They are going to raise the price. So, I'm stocking up."
The other woman replied,
"I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She can count the people she's had sex with on one hand -- if that hand was
holding a calculator.

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a
neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him. One weekend, the husband
is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba comes in after having mowed the lawn
and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!
The man asked Bubba,
"I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I
couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three
times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly
wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on
the bedpost three times.
He was just climbing into bed with new found confidence when his wife sat
up, half-asleep and mumbled,
"Is that you, Bubba?"

The Mother Superior's out bicycle riding with about a dozen nuns, and the
nuns are giggling, and carrying on.
The Mother Superior says,
"Calm down, now, girls, or I'm gonna have to put the seats back on those
bikes."

At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer.
Little Boy:
"But I don't know how to pray.
Dad:
"Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.
Little Boy:
"Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all
my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled
with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on
my Daddy's Blackberry,
And
Provide shelter for the homeless men who use Mom's room when Daddy is at
work.
Amen."
For some reason, Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening.

I once knew a man who had five penises.
He wasn't much to look at, but his underwear fit him like a glove.

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet'
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Friday, January 04, 2013

XXX Adult Puns!

There was a young teacher named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So, they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and
she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again
throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said,
"You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my
attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at
dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in my
apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

Sex is like going to the gas station.
Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room
and says,
''I have something to tell you about your child.''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look one her face and says,
''What's wrong with it?''
The doctor says,
''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a
hermaphrodite.''
The woman looks confused. '
'A hermaphrodite, what's that?''
The doctor replies,
''It has both features of a male and a female.''
The woman looks at him and says,
"Wow, you mean it has a penis and a brain?''

What should you do if your sister-in-law sits on your glasses and breaks
them?
Next time remember to take them off first.

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.
The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide
and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
She said to him,
"What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old man said
"Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, dat vould not be proper
vare I come from".
She said,
"Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He said,
"Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vare in DA
hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
If her vagina was a restaurant, it would be a drive-thru.

A trucker had driven his rig to the top of a steep hill and was starting
down the other side when he noticed a man and woman lying in the center of
the road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on the couple.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of the way, he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches away from them.
Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the driver walked to the front
of the cab and looked down at the couple, still in the road, and yelled,
"What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could
have been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up
and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming! You were the only
one with brakes!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- is that spooky or what?

Thursday, January 03, 2013

OBSESSIONS

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He said to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests
itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called
the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your
girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Lucy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

MONTANA DEPARTMENT OF EMPLOYMENT

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a
small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay
him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the

mentally- challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all
the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and
board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope

with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which and to whom!

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her
fortune.
At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him:
"Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Bob and says,
"Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like
to talk to you."
Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says,
"Bob, I'm going to unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best
blow job you ever had!"
Bob smiles slightly and says,
"Well, okay. But what's in it for me?"

Rhumba:
An asset to music.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he
was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil:
"The hat check girl puts out!"

It Could be Worse.
You could be Tim Tebow after splitting up with actress Camilla Belle
And
Now you're not having sex with everyone again instead of not having sex with
just her.

Two big shot lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive but obviously knew nothing about city life.
"She's so young and pretty she may be taken advantage of by some of those
fast talking city guys," one attorney said to the other. "Why don't we teach
her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said his partner. "You teach her what's right."

He was so dumb
He took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get
an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet
pills!
I'm looking for a place to live,
Can you help me?

XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked,
"Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved
one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"
"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase
'family jewels'."

How is sex like a roll of toilet paper?
After you tear off the first piece the rest comes easy.

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown".
So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at
his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the
whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice
"Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied,
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money. Just looking."

While watching the movie 'The Sound Of Music' last night I was reminded of
that sad day when I learned that it's actually O.K. To go out on a date with
a nun, as long as you don't get in the habit.

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was jerking off
several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So, the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got
married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!"
"I know Pa," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

If earth rotated 30 times faster,
Men would get their salary everyday, and women would bleed to death.

Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work.
One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and
kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
Then he turned and said,
"Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that
she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."
At which point I put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly,
"You think you've got it bad, she's cut me out all together."

I said,
"Shall we try a different position tonight?"
My wife said,
"That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa."

Two old guys were chatting.
The first old guy says to the second old guy,
"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."
The second old guy responded,
"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"
The first old guy says,
"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)