Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?
Chinese : Is this a joke?
Japanese : Impossible!
American : The question's all wrong!
British : It's not found on the Internet
And the Sri Lanka .......................................................
...................................................................
............................................. f(iv)e
I have a little poem,
I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of owning dick.
A penis is a splendid thing;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
It's smooth and mostly hairless.
It starts to grow so quickly
When a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
His willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.
It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
Just when you 'spect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
And then I wish it wouldn't.
During summer, wearing little,
Sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
Will make it squirm and reach.
But handle it with love and care,
For it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
Now when did I last measure?
Some men will fret about their size:
They give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.
They sneak a look in toilets,
Wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!
Masturbating is a sin -
At least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
But must admit defeat.
It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
And more than that - to pee!
But what seems most amazing
About my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
It knows which juice to shoot.
And better yet, it stays with one,
Until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
The eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
Then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.. When
All eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
Of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.
The vicar fainted.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions,
But you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deep-shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is
to get there.
"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give blow jobs.
Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.
"I service her every morning when we get up.
I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.
"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."
* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in a LAW firm:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?
* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in the OFFICE:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1 It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!
* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, at GOLF:
10.Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
Christmas Party Company Memo
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2011
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2011
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2011
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2011
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2011
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2011
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three
kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his
60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.
As we progress through to the year 2012, I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year 2011. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public restroom..
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me
for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...
I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2 coin dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician
. .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY...AND A HEALTHY LIFE
1. The nicest thing about the future is .. . .. that it always starts
tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag
his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job..
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants
to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
a.m. - like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print .. . . There's no way you're
going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap
music will be the Golden Oldies!) (How about in 5 years?)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably
dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind .....
and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . .. but it's still a gift.
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but
the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The
balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
You're laughing aren't you
...I know you are!!!
A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York
for the Labor Day weekend. To save money, they decided to sleep two to
a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Trinidadian, because he
snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to
stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.
The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.
The next night it was the Barbadian's turn. In the morning, he arrived for
breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. They said,
'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.
The third night was the Jamaican's turn. Blacka was a big burly
Dread from Tivoli . The next morning he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and chipper.
'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it! They said,
'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night - said 'nite nite darling'... He sat up and
watched me all night long.
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas
time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with
Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you
do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year;
Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into Dads Rolls Royce and
drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at the empty
warehouse, and begin to sing, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then
we all go to the Bahamas on Dads Yacht."
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth! He spoke to his
toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 Today.
Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked on the park in the summer
every Sunday Afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy
Birthday toes!
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh,
the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.
"Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie !! You little
bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92 !!!!
1st Case-
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer!
2nd Case-
Good:Your son is finally maturing.
Bad:He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: so are you!
3rd Case-
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:you find porn there.
Ugly: You're in it.
4th Case-
Good: Your wife and you agree to no more kids.
Bad: She cant find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 15 year old daughter has them!
5th Case-
Good: you start telling your children about sex as they're getting old.
Bad:They keep interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!!
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night.This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning.We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a
hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
A wealthy Sindhi parked his brand new Porsche Carrera at the front of
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along too close to the kerb and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was
close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his
lights flashing.
But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the Sindhi
started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it
new again.
After the Sindhi finally calmed down a bit, the cop shook his head in
disgust, disbelief and wonder "I can't believe how materialistic you
Sindhis are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Sindhi.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the Sindhi. "MY ROLEX!"
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school
District .
Spellings have been left intact......
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
Had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We
thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
Sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."
"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book.
On the very first page he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called
out to Jeeves.
"Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?"
"This what, sir?"
"'Fox pass', Jeeves."
"Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir."
"Yes, dash it, whatever."
"Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:
'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of marmalade?"
"Yes, Jeeves"
"Well, that, sir, was a faux pas"
An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Pussy Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Pussy Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Pussy Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver
the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman entered the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the
priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching,
shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,
'Is that Pussy Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant down south. While having a bite
to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know,
I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed
nobody do it!'
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a
clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
_______________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
A young lady got kicked out of math class one day.
The teacher asked 'what comes after 69'?
Apparently 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer...........
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the
very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell
her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America
with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: 'I have to talk to you.
We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.
They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are
wearing Dolce and Gabana sarees instead of their white robes,
they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're
selling their halos to people for discounted prices.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they
keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea).
Some of them are even walking around with just one wing !
They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'
The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'
Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan
returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there.'
Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.
Now what was the question?'
Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'
Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'
This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said,
"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Indians are trying
to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to
live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them
uncomfortably hot!!Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to
start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME
and GOD.They have started a socal network service for the troubled and
believe in Karma and are good in convincing others.
Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa
and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla shop, which I had to stop.
Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on
earth. We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this
is Hell, but they have no problems in doing everything outside in
open.
They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staff are being
bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and
corruption in Hell.
They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they
came. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!!
I am therefore requesting you
OH LORD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".
So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born !
1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child, did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.
I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with smarter people than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I told my Mom that I love her one more
time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.
A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?" base controller asks.
Officer answers,"There's a big fat darkie dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,
"You have to use the politically correct terminology"*
"AYE! OK" he says:
"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
…Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country running,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine…and even feel better
Notices in English for tourists in Gujarat-India
In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.. If you are not a person to
do such thing is please not to read this notice.
In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.
In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, ea ch one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.
In a Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases
In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amjad Haseeb <amjad_haseeb@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Sat, Nov 5, 2011 at 3:21 AM
Subject: Re: Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!
To: Rifky Mackeen <rifkyn@gmail.com>
Thanks for making it suitable for all.
Amjad.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics, the drug users and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour who never said anything nice.
Joe , who I always thought was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the Angel of Death , 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
Can it be a mistake?
'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' he said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you..'
JUDGE NOT!!
Remember...Just going to a place of worship doesn't make you more
pious any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
1.
Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner
is actually in the bed.
2.
Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off
in the middle of the session.
3.
Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)
4.
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.
5.
Write partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.
6.
Use extra polygrip so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.
7.
Have Tylenol ready
in case you actually complete the act.
8.
Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.
9.
If it works,
call everyone you know
with the good news!!
10.
Don't even think about trying it twice...
__________________________________
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and
you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky'
means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
_____________________________________________________
Two men are at the Dr's,waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse breezes in,tells them to strip and put-on the medical gowns
She returns a few minutes later,reaches under one man's gown and
begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
She saya as a matter of fact,"We have to vacate the sperm from your
system to have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.
The second man watches bewildered and by the time the nurse turns to
him,he is quite ready for his turn.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, seductively parts her lips
and begins a blow-job.
The first guy,somewhat let-down,demands to know "Hey,why only a hand
job for me and a blow-jog for him?"
The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between public
healthcare and private medical insurance coverage"
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know
it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:
'What happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....
This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'
A group of Cubans desert their island and are on their way to Miami. In the
middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (an old one) suffers a
major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a Cuban flag to kiss and
say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.
Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately
in their boat to find something that would resemble the flag of their
country -- a T-shirt, a handkerchief, anything.
With everyone almost ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a
23-year-old girl shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a
tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks. The
young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear, showing
the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped tanned buttock cheek. She approaches
the dying man and sticks her butt right up in his face.
The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with
both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I
say goodbye to you with great sadness. Farewell my land, my flag. Havana, I
will miss you so."
After going on non-stop for almost 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now,
Chica, par favor, turn around and allow me to kiss Fidel, our bearded
dictator, goodbye too!""
Yes there is such a thing, sad as it is!
Who said Australians weren't romantic?
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch me another beer.
Halloween Costume Problem!!!
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head & his leg, so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will look just
right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg.. so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by, he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you should really look the
part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a
small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST!!!
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses & a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on all our crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: ' Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only
animals which resemble men in their behavior???
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to
it and see how horny it gets just as men do'.
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla
begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it
wanted to break free.
'See - says the woman - 'Now I know why you react the way you do, men
can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't'.
Says Mark : 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens'.
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited
and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark : 'This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around
and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen'!!!
The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla
which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs
the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: ' Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me'!!!
Mark replies: 'Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me:
That you don't feel like it
That you have a headache
That you're tired
That your throat is aching
That it is still too early
That I must understand you as a woman
That you are depressed
That you are in one of those days
That you are having a very busy week
That all you need is just to cuddle up
That you're tensed up
That you have to wake up very early tomorrow
That you woke up very early today
That you walked for long and your feet are aching
That caresses and hugs is all that you want today
That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax
That you feel like watching TV
That you don't wanna miss the soapies
That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair
Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you
can persuade it, then I'll accept that Gorillas and men are same and I
promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses'!
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.The
Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."Arching his eyebrows, the Italian
replies, "We have the Coliseum."The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave
birth to advanced mathematics"The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."And so on and so on until the Greek
comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says, "We invented sex!"The Italian replies, "That is
true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give
me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"
5 Minute Management Course 5 Lessons to Learn
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone..
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I
want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's
clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is
easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because
wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on
the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained
since.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and
is pronounced, approximately,' mayday.'
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis became popular, round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French
for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans
(mis)pronounced it 'love.'
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a
buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If
a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he
would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by
offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was
safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it
simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or
clink the host's glass with his own.
Q : Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by
burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the
theatrical performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on
cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis,
King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he
had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To
make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played,
Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked
this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the
long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet
is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have
notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing
gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small
quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars
are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels
aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough
to shave.
So there! Now you know! Almost everything?
Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."
CASHIER: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?"
Cowboy: "NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!"
A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is
unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their
son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a
long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they
want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of
requirements.
The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to
visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has
found. He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt
Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by
heart,
and she's a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large
family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get
excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.
But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:
'Is she any good in bed?'
The marriage broker answers,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Some say yes, some say no
POSITION : MOTHER, MUM,MOM, MOMMY, MAMA, MA, AMMA, AMMI
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs some money.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 kmph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that passing matric will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
THE VALUE, LIFE TIME DEDICATION AND HARD LABOUR, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
OF
"THE MOTHER"
October 18, 2011
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released
today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:
Dear Investor:
Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the
protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean,
however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands
have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep
discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests.
And we have asked ourselves this question:
How can we make money off them?
The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose
investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as
they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the
capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there's
plenty of money to be made on the way down.
The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that
are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons
and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as
clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are
making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for
broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials
necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.
It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say "Let them eat cake."
But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake
futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation,
the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.
Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As
the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs
Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, "Occupy this." We
haven't felt so good about something we've sold since our souls.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Blankfein
Chairman, Goldman Sachs
Friends are like knickers, some crawl up your arse...Some snap under
pressure...Some don't have the strength to hold you up...Some get a
little twisted...Some are your favorite...Some are holey...Some are
cheap and just plain nasty...And some actually do cover your arse when
you need them too !!
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the
counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the
unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that
she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it
raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.
Ghaffar Bhai and Fatima Bai, were sitting outside a Mall
A rich Arab Sheikh approached them.
After salaams, he asked where they were from.
"Pakistan," Ghaffar Bhai replied.
Looking at his wife, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Ghaffar Bhai looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the Arab left, the wife said "Ghaffar that was sooo romantic but
what took you so long to answer?
Ghaffar Bhai replied…
"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back to Karachi."
A university scholar, Mr. John Smith approaches his friend a
software-testing guru telling him that he has a Bachelor in
programming,
and now would like to learn the software testing to complete his
knowledge and to find a job as a software tester. After summing him up
for a few
minutes, the software-testing guru told him "I seriously doubt that
you are ready to study software testing. It's the serious topic. If
you wish
however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test
I will help teach you software testing. "
The young man agrees. Software testing guru holds up two fingers "Two
men come down a chimney.
One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face.
Which one washes his face?
The young man stares at the software-testing guru. "Is that a test in
Logic?" software testing guru nods.
"The one with the dirty face washes his face," He answers wearily.
"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the
simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the
clean face
and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the
one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with
the
clean face washes his face."
"Very clever" Says Smith. "Give me another test"
The software-testing guru again holds up two fingers "Two men come
down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes
out with a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?
"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"
"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his face is
clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty
face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face
washes his
face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean
face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his
face"
"I didn't think of that!" Says Smith. " It's shocking to me that I
could make an error in logic. Test me again!."
The software-testing guru holds up two fingers "Two men come down a
chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with
a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?
"Each one washes his face"
"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his
face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the
dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean
face sees
that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also
doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face".
Smith is desperate. "I am qualified to study software testing. Please
give me one more test"
He groans when the software-testing guru lifts his two fingers, "Two
men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other
comes
out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
"Neither one washes his face"
"Wrong. Do you now see, John, why programming knowledge is an
insufficient basis for studying the software testing? Tell me, how is
it possible for
two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a
clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see?
GUYS !!! Requirements for testers will look the same but expectations
from clients will vary every now and then…
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae
West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx
Life would be perfect if anger had mute button, mistake had back
button, hard times had fast forward button and good times had pause
button,
Difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi – Einstein believed
everything is relative while Karunanidhi believes relatives are
everything,
A bird asked Bee you work so hard to make honey and people steal,
don't you feel bad? Bee said that I don't feel bad as they can never
steal my art of making honey,
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us,
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only few people can hold it,
The happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts but
quality of our thought depends on the people we have in our life,
We get lot of unconditional love when we are born and lots of
unconditional respect when we die. We just have to manage the time in
between.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators !
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he called a baker and ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him on the phone what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are
getting better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said
'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top
and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at
the message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better
at the bottom"
Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof- read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it correctly for you.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life...
The wives want both!
====
Marriage is like a Public Toilet.
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are
desperate to come out.
====
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.
Searching these keywords on Google : `How to tackle wife?'
Google search result :
`Good Day Sir, Even we are searching`.
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says
the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
It takes thousand workers to build a castle, million soldiers to
protect a country,
but just one woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!
Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt : All girls are devils, but my wife
is the queen------------
of Them
Pakistan's president Zardari has tasked his country's top
investigation agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward
funny or derogatory text messages about the country's president.
Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari will now become liable
for a 14-year jail sentence.
Temporarily, many Pakistanis who have so far been enjoying sending and
reading funny text messages about their president have reverted to
sending messages without any mention of Zardari. Bloggers and
mainstream Pakistani media have called the new rules 'draconian' and
many others contended that such laws would actually encourage further
ridicule of the Pakistani president who is consistently portrayed in
these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani
establishment:
1. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line
that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns
after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him", everyone asks him.
"No, that line is longer than this one", he replies.
2. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari."
Robber: "OK. Give me all my money."
3. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding
$5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you
can. I have donated five liters."
4. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has
officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are
confused which side on the stamp to spit on.
5. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an
upright position. Thank you….
6. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes
and long jury trials
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.
7. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want
to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife
That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.
