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Friday, July 15, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

"And, Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff in this
case, was the young lady pregnant?"
"The young lady was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said,
"I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last
ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said,
"My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into
bed, he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,
"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said,
"My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
She caught him by the organ!

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
His elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,
'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies,
'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'

A man goes to his doctor for a check-up.
Half way through, the doctor tells him to take down his trousers.
The doctor pulls forward his pants and stands back in surprise, as
there is a squirrel in a chauffeur's uniform and little hat.
The doctor, in disbelief, looks again; and, sure enough, there is the
squirrel dressed as a chauffeur.
"Did you know you have got a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur down your
pants?" asks the doctor.
"Yes," says the man, "he's driving me nuts."

One Sunday morning, about four weeks ago, I found my dyslexic friend
covering his willy with black shoe polish.
I said
"No, no, Frank. Today you have to turn your clock back !"

"My hubby & I have, what he calls 'Olympic Sex'."
"Wow, you must be have a terrific sex life?"
"Not really. It only happens once every four years."

While making love to his wife, Bill discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily,
their love-making had become infrequent and bland.
Then, quite suddenly, alarmed, he said:
"What happened, did I hurt you?"
"Why no, not at all." said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?"
"Well, no reason actually." the bored husband replied with a sigh,
"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of
the Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom.

WORTH A GOOD READ..

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a
successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for
her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind
that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a
better husband than
you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are
afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he
would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is
the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one
finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and
requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a
suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh,
good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in
singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home
during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I
need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need
television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a
blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the
faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of
the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and
dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the
excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage
is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower
another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love
will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after
marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying
which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or
a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing
the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech
will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off
because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we
always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without
considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site.
A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember
me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her
millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you
will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should
appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire
and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad
relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be
another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the
way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on
the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the
donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and
commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride
on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife
quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can
the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman."
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey.
Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you
hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing
that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey
and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the
donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell
into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will
everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never
will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of
his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his
three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of
the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the
little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed
down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he
finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When
the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he
innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked,
"but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home &
committed
suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u
wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with
someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings
often can't.. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between
the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater
than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions
we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Keep Smiling

Thursday, July 14, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

He says,
"Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love."
She says,
"Well I can -and that's why we're not."

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all
night without getting any male in her box?

During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept
disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including
the host.
This did not go unnoticed by the host's wife, who was quietly
smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.
It was still fairly early when "Miss Willing" approached the hostess
looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.
"I'm sorry to rush off," she explained, "but I don't feel too well."
"Of course, I understand, my dear," the hostess replied. "That
sometimes happens when you swallow."

The difference between a woman taking a shower and a nun is:
The nun has hope in her soul.

Moses has been up on the mountain quite awhile and he's really weary,
but thinks he pretty well has it all down pat about the 10
Commandments and how the Children of Israel are supposed to comport
themselves with their neighbours.
Frankly, even though this was a conversation with God, Moses'
attention had been wandering as God summed everything up to conclude
this historic briefing.
Suddenly, Moses interrupts the Deity...
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, Lord, let me get this straight now.
Maybe I misheard?
THEY get all the oil, and we have to cut off the tips of our WHAT!

Grammar is important.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans, attended a Cubs
"Lovable Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
In order to be able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you
on the balls."

Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, the
husband demanded of her:
"Did you really pose for that?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not. He painted it from memory."

A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching the
Notre Dame game Saturday.
We had ordered a round of draft beers and after they were brought to
the table, one of the guys, a visiting German Lufthansa pilot, took
his back to the bar.
After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer,
to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.
When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened
and why she slapped him.
His puzzled reply was,
"Hell I don't know, all I did was ask her for some head."

Chess players check their mates

Irish joke

Wooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,..

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer..

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.................

You'll like this

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong
he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped.  John, desperate for shelter
and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...
only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine
wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.  John looked at the road ahead and saw
a curve approaching.  Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
life.   Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out
of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.  John, paralyzed
with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never
touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.  Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the
pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
dark and stormy night.  They, like John, were also soaked and out of
breath.  Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,
one said to the other...  'Look Paddy......there's that freaking idiot
that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

Morning Jokes.

Blonde in a Small Town
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a
long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a
parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes.
"Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals,
anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a
Sunday!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Too Cute
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.
'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my
bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.
Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and
she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:
'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked,
'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied,
'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How
will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant.
Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,
'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
~~~~~~~~~~
How They Met
"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"
"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her
feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin
a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."
"Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her."
"Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling."

Two old gambling friends meeting on the street for the first time in
several weeks and one asked the other,
"Joe, where you been? Haven't seen you around for weeks."
"I've been to South Africa with my son. While I was there, I taught
some of them to play poker."
"Zulus?"
"Nah, I beat them 4 out of five times."
~~~~~~~~~~
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula.
We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard
that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable.
Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest Road
when we saw a sign:
"Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on there was another:
"Ice 5 miles."
The next one was:
"Ice 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign.
It was outside a small grocery, and it read:
"Ice 75 cents."

Morning Jokes.

Pampered Pigs
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and
during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary
manner.
The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig
would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig
was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply
shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the
ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied,
"What's time to a pig?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Count to Three
A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship.
On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the
beautiful mountain passes of Europe.
As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
mis-steps and jostles the man's wife.
Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse,
and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states,
"That's one."
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping
over a fallen tree.
The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states,
"That's two!"
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost
its footing on a mossy slope.
The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out
of the saddle. The man, moving to the front of the horse, stares it in
the eyes and firmly says,
"That's three,"
Removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to
her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says,
"That's one!"
~~~~~~~~~~
About Two Miles
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie.
It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest,
were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.
Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.
"Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our
own, anyhow!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Bangety Bang Bang!
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his
sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go,
'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end.
"Here, use this... Just go, 'Stabity Stab stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom,
"Bangety Bang Bang!"
The German falls dead.
More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier
walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.
He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use!
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says,
"Tankety Tank Tank."

X Mild Adult Jokes.

Hmmmmm!
Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!

~~~~~~~~~~
Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's end,
I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate--household
projects that had awaited me all summer. When my wife asked, "What are
you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and
ends with ISH."
"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects!

~~~~~~~~~~
Well, we've all been there - both the guys and the gals, and today
it's even more confusing than ever. So, here is a little guide to help
you out.

1. If you ask a girl to have sex with her and she says "definitely
not," she really means "NO."
2. If she says "NO," then you have to do better, and then maybe, but
make sure you ask again before going to far and then go back to number
#1 and start again. (kinda like Monopoly "Go back to GO - Do do
collect $200).
3. If she says "MAYBE", she means "YES", but you have to really
encourage her along the way. But don't do anything stupid such as
rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the MAYBE to a
DEFINITE NO, which neither of you really want.
4. If she says "YES", she's probably not worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed, driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so
long? Hit the darned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

~~~~~~~~~~
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a
stranger on top of his wife.
He says, "What are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "See? I told you he was stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a man, complete
with tools, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed,
"Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "No, but your
neighbours did."

~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmmm!
It's easy to spot the smart people . . . They're the ones listening.

Afternoon Jokes.

Terms to Know
*
FOREIGN FILM --

Any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
*
OPTIMIST --

Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
*
MAGAZINE --

Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
*
COLLEGE --

The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
*
EMERGENCY NUMBERS --

Police station, fire department and places that feliver.
*
OPERA --

When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
*
BUFFET --

A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
*
BABY-SITTER --

A teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are
out can behave like teenagers.
*
TATTOO --

Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

~~~~~~~~~~
Knowing Your Terms
*
TRAFFIC LIGHT --

Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
*
DIVORCE --

Postgraduate in School of Love.
*
PIONEER --

Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
*
PEOPLE --

Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority
has no idea what's happened.
*
SWIMMING POOL --

A mob of people with water in it.
*
SELF-CONTROL --

The ability to eat only one peanut.
*
SALESMAN --

Man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
*
CANNIBAL --

Person who likes to see other people stewed.
*
EGOCENTRIC --

A person who believes he is everything you know you are.

~~~~~~~~~~
An Addiction
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds.
After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he
fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed... And he was back to jumping on the beds.
Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but
it's so hard to quit."

~~~~~~~~~~
Religion Explained by Kids
*
Sunday School students tell about the Bible:
*
-- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

-- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by
sweat alone."

-- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

-- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

-- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

-- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

-- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

-- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

-- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

The difference between sin and shame is:
It's a sin to put it in,
But it's a shame to pull it out.

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines
they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said:
"Tylenol?"
"Very good! And what is it used for?"
"It is used for a headache."
The second pupil said:
"Nytol."
"Excellent!" said Sister Catherine.
"And what it is used for?"
"To help you sleep," replied the student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said:
"Viagra."
"And what is it used for, Johnny?" asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
"It is used for diarrhoea."
"And who told you this, Johnny?"
"Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father take a viagra,
and maybe that shit will get harder."
Sister Catherine fainted.

You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love
to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is
talking to that she will call them back in ten minutes.

A man went into a store to buy some condoms.
"That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax," said the store assistant.
"I don't need tacks," said the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant.
The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour.
One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly
asked the waitress when she came to take their orders,
"Do you believe in free sex?"
The waitress huffed up and yelled at him,
"I certainly do NOT!"
"Soooo," asked they guy, "what do you charge?"

A girl I know left the promotional orgy at the Sex Device
Manufacturers' Convention feeling unease.
She didn't know what was eating her.

Morning Jokes.

Bidding Higher
One day, a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and
higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the
parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much
for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think
kept bidding against you?"

~~~~~~~~~~
The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their
adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch,
the sailor asks,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept
me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks
appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols
blastin and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand
got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

~~~~~~~~~~
Baseball
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons
and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says,
"Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies,
"I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and
tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do
the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper,
"Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds,
"Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks,
"So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says,
"Well... There is baseball in heaven."
Sol says,
"That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers,
"You're pitching on Friday."

~~~~~~~~~~
Captain's Mystery
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.
This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided
merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.
He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.
He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up.
Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map?
Was it a letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, the captain died at sea.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire
crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port :Left.
Starboard: Right.

TEN Classic Indianisms:

How to fix grammatically-insane phrases found in common Indian English.

"Do one thing...take this piece of chalk..."

We are a unique species, aren't we?

Not humans.

Indians, I mean.

No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with,

"What is your good name?"

As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil

Pseudonym.

Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the TEN
most hilarious

Indianisms out there.

And here they are.

The most common ones, and my favourites among them.

1. 'Passing out'

When you complete your studies at an educational institution,

You graduate from that institution.

You do not "pass out" from that institution.

To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk.

Though I'm not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a
sudden elation on

Hearing you've passed all of your exams, which could lead to you
actually "passing out,"

But this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means "to return to a former state."

I can't help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

"Please revert at the earliest."

"Sure, I'll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my
original primitive

Hydrocarbon state at 12 p.m. Today."

3. 'Years back'

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."

Given how common this phrase is, I'm guessing the first person who
switched "ago" for

"back" probably did it years back.

See what I mean?

And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so

Wrong.

"So, when did you buy this car?"

"Oh, years back."

"Cool, can you open the backside? I'd like to get a load in."

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful."

It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other

Dinosaurs.

"Will you do the needful?"

"Of course, and I'll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too."

5. 'Discuss about'

"What shall we discuss about today?"

"Let's discuss about politics.

We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar."

You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.

The word "discuss" means to "talk about".

There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."

That would be like saying "talk about about."

Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let's order for a pizza."

"Sure, and why not raid a library while we're about it."

When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

Perhaps, somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the
"doing" word and

Added "for" to make sure their order would reach them.

They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'
When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase

"Do one thing," you're doing it wrong.

"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism.

It is only understood in India.

It is not proper English.

It is irritating.

There are better ways to begin a reply.

And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing"
invariably ends

Up giving you at least five things to do.

"My computer keeps getting hung."

"Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your
hardrive. Run a virus

Check.

Restart your computer... ."

8. 'Out of station'
"Sorry I can't talk right now, I'm out of station."

"What a coincidence, Vijay, I'm in a station right now."

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favourite
"I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I'm going to bed now, sleep is coming."

"OK, say hi to it for me."

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits.

"Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn't a poem.

You don't have to give body cycles their own personalities.

(Normally, we say 'I am getting sleep' - very rarely children might be
saying the actual

transliteration of Indian Language 'Sleep is coming')

10. 'Prepone'

"Let's prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m."

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that
I'm proud of, and

That I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.

Because it makes sense.

Because it fills a gap.

Because we need it.

We're Indians, damn it.

Students of chaos theory.

We don't have the time to say silly things like "could you please
bring the meeting

forward."…

Prepone it is.

Layman's language TEN commandments

1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble,
But it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small?
Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE.
So, look ahead and move on.
Concentrate and focus ahead always.

3] Friendship is like a BOOK.
It takes few seconds to burn,
But it takes years to write.

4] All things in life are temporary.
If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever.
If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old Friends are Gold!
New Friends are Diamond!
If you get a Diamond,
Don't forget the Gold!
Because to hold a Diamond,
You always need a Base of Gold!

6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end,
GOD smiles from above and says,
"Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7] When GOD solves your problems,
You have faith in HIS abilities;
When GOD doesn't solve your problems,
HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony:
"Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"
He replied:
"Yes, losing your vision!"

9] When you pray for others,
God listens to you and blesses them,
And sometimes,
When you are safe and happy,
Remember,
That someone has prayed for you.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The
first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The
priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The
doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The
engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build
targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a
civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer
said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but
a talking frog - now that's cool.

XX - Adult Puns!

The most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar is:
"May I move your stool?"

"So, he asked, 'Would you be interested in a threesome?'"
"OH, NO! What did you tell him?"
"I said, "I might. 'Whom did you have in mind?'
'He replied, 'Your pretty little friend Jill!'
'I said,
'That's too bad because I was thinking more along the lines of your
gorgeous, hunky friend Jerry, who I know for a fact has 10 and a half
inches to offer!'"

On her eighteenth birthday Bambi went down to a stag bar and blew a few bucks.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So, although we are all
feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies,
go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love
with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
You call them up and tell them you can't come.

A certain guy had never had sex in his life,
So, his friend tells him that he'll take him to a girl who will teach
him a few things.
He agrees.
Later that week, he's in a motel room with the girl.
She takes off her clothes, and asks him,
"Do you know what I want?"
He says, quite honestly,
"No."
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again, he answers,
"No."
Now, she's not sure exactly what to do,
So, she spreads her legs all the way; we're talking spread-eagle.
She asks,
"Now do you know what I want?"
He answers,
"Yeah. You want the whole damn bed to yourself.

"Premature ejaculation"
A man younger than 18 having sex.

Woman asks:
"If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man.
How come?"
Confucius replies:
It's very simple.
Confucius says
"When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key."

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends would touch her stomach and say:
"Congrats!!"
But none of them would touch the man's penis and say:
"Good job".
Moral of the story:
Hard work is rarely appreciated

Girls say they like a sensitive man,
But then they complain about my premature ejaculation.

Morning Jokes.

Housecleaning Hints
*
-- Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply
look confused and exclaim
"What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children.
(Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob
vigorously, fake a growl and say,
"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the
shots are SO expensive."
~~~~~~~~~~
Housecleaning Hints Part 2
*
-- Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that,
"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
-- General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly.
Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh,
I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a
pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies
for a bake sale for a favourite charity and haven't had time to
clean...
Works every time.
-- Another favourite,
I think from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected
guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.
~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Wives?
A little boy was attending his first wedding with the family..
After the service, a cousin wondered aloud,
"I wonder how many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," volunteered Jenni's boy.
The cousin was amazed that the boy had figured it out so quickly and asked,
"How do you know that for sure?"
"Easy," Jenni's boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, didn't you
hear the preacher say:
'Four for better, four for worse, four richer, and four poorer,' and
that makes sixteen "
~~~~~~~~~~
Forgetful
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.
Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.
William was a little worried when the doctor came in.
Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was
to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never
sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a
letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get
there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Please pay me in advance."

BLESSED ARE THE Whackadoodles , FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig. (how true)

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life
is too short and friends are too few !

Sunday, July 10, 2011

XX- Racy proverbs

● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop
moving when the music stops.

● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your
way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard

● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until
you realize you are only f**king yourself.

● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society;
but always remember who laid them!

● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.

● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of
reason goes un- wiped.
● Men play the game. Women know the score.

● Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their
husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.

● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine
months later you wish you'd never come.

● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you
are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who
can't even remember her first husband.

● Here is the definition of divorce...She gets the ring and the man
gets the finger!

● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."

● Confucius say...... Man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.

● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis
is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

Morning Jokes.

New Accountant
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who
ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly,
I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to
have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money
worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
~~~~~~~~~~
England's West Country
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops.
While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see
shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books.
So, she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked,
"Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people
knock before entering someone's home."
~~~~~~~~~~
College Graduation
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation.
After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested,
"Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered,
"Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

XX - Adult Puns!

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this inadvertently racy testimonial from a little old lady
who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the
woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton.
But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the
best cotton-picking hoer in the county!"

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff.
"You claim that the defendant stole your money from your stocking?"
"That's right, Your Honour,"
"Well, why didn't you resist?"
The girl blushed and lowered her eyes.
"I didn't know he was after my money, your Honour."

You've gotta hand it to the blind hooker.

A guy meets a cute girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation.
Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening later, he asks her to come
back to his apartment.
In no time, they are in the throws of passion, tearing off each others' clothes.
His manhood at full attention, he has just her socks and panties to go
before reaching the promised land.
When he pulls off her socks he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes.
She explains that she lost them after having been unprotected in
freezing weather, and they were amputated due to frostbite.
This immediately causes him to lose his erection and to have no desire
to continue with his love making.
No longer the least bit interested in continuing, he apologizes to her
and rushes to get her dressed and out of his house.
As she was a real beauty and he couldn't wait to mount her, the event
really bothers him So, he visits his doctor and relates what happened.
Upon finishing his story, the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says
"Nothing to fret about. It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant."

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for
the third time.

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
"Hello" she says.
"Hello" says the male voice at the other end. "I'll bet you'd really
like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt and blouse and bra and
panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to
you…."
The Jewish lady replies,
"From 'hello' you can tell all this?"

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:
"What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

Morning Jokes.

Inflated Ego
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed
she had bought a new book entitled,
"What 20 Million American Women Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied,
"I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
~~~~~~~~~~
Points to Ponder
*
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found
someone to blame it on.

* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday
with a television on the blink.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some
willing to let them.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and
travelers cheque's.
~~~~~~~~~~
Think About It
*
* Money doesn't bring you happiness,
But it enables you to look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
But it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with,
But they make great ancestors.

* Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a
public restroom.
~~~~~~~~~~
Church Money
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting
for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of
inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the
finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs
cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you
who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
Just at that moment, the organist started playing,
"The Star Spangled Banner."

Friday, July 08, 2011

Phone bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
family meeting...

On a Saturday morning...

after breakfast...

Dad:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:
Same here,
I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:
Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.

Maid:
So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Irish Medical Dictionary

The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term

Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Not a friend
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
-
One plus one more

Urine
-
Opposite of you're out

Computer Terms

State-of-the-art -
Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete -
Any computer you own.

Microsecond -
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

GUI -
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(Pronounced "gooey").

Keyboard -
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse -
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Portable Computer -
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home,
On vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash -
A typical computer response to any critical dead-line.

System Update -
A quick method of trashing ALL of your soft-ware.

Some British Humour!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him,
I was still up playing my Trumpet

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself,
Please don't get an erection,
Please don't get an erection...
But she did!

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was
Eat,
Drink
&
Be Mary.

Man calls 999 and says.
"I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says,
"The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said,
"You're pulling my leg."

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it
&
Some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass with instructions do not use
under sunlight!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!!
At least I presume she was poor -
She only had $1.20 in her purse.

XX Adult Puns!

If you come across a tiger in the jungle,
Wipe it off and apologize.

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend.
When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband
to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after five minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold,
So, she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So, he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another five minutes and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again."
So, she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So, he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
Five minutes has passed and he went in again and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again."
She then said,
"Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

If I were ever in one of those jokes where you have to tell the native
chief which way you'd prefer to die,
I'd tell him that I'd like to be hung like a horse.

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day
in a snappy new suit.
"Where'd you pick 'em up?" Jim beamed.
"My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Jim with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work
early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the
bedroom."

I have a genetic predisposition for hiring prostitutes.
You might say I'm buysexual.

A bill collector came knocking at Nadine's door; she had fallen behind
on her bills.
"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next
installment on that couch?" Nadine shrugged and said.
"I guess that's better than having to give you money."

Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

Rodney sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to
hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

Those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
version -- with nuts of course?

Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So, " says the second drunk, "what's your point? "
"Well, " says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get! "

My neighbour's daughter hollered up to her mom,
"The bill collector is here. Have you got the money or do you want me
to go out and play for a while?"

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness.
As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar, she was
distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Shay, honey-baby, I'd really like to get into those pants of yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there. "

A new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples will be
called Genitalia?

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Home Mathematics

TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how
many will you have
Johnny ?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Very angry Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I fuckin' already have one at home!!!

Doctors' notes on patients' hospital charts

(purportedly unedited)

1. Patient has chest pain if lying on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it
disappeared altogether.

3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1997.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.

5. Discharge status:
Alive but without permission.

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

7. The patient refused an autopsy.

8. The patient has no past history of suicides.

9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant,
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal exam revealed a normal-sized thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a lawyer instead.

21. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

22. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

23. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

24. She has had no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband says
that last night in bed, she was very hot.

25. Patient has two teen-age children, but no more abnormalities.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Morning Jokes.

Job Interview
An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to
an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the
application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not
answered one important question concerning transportation to and from
work.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
~~~~~~~~~~
Coins
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece
was being issued to honour two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other
side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman
replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or
Hale's'."
~~~~~~~~~~
Who is it?
An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the
hotel clerk asked him a riddle.
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister.
Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't
know, who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get
home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them:
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister.
Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So, he
told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."

Morning Jokes.

The Laws of Golf, Part I
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the
more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.
If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5:
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath
of the universe.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part II
LAW 6:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
an instructor.
LAW 7:
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8:
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9:
Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10:
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part III
LAW 11:
Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist
of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer
and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14:
Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15:
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part IV
LAW 16:
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an
easy one, sucker."
LAW 17:
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score
to what it really should be.
LAW 19:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

XX - Adult Puns!

He says,
"Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love."
She says,
"Well I can -and that's why we're not."

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful,
Provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

"What does this patient have, Nurse Welby?"
"A chronic erection,"
"And where are you taking him?"
"To my apartment."

The party was going really well and the drinks were flowing freely.
A man was getting along very well with an attractive young woman and
he asked the host,
"Do you mind if I use one of your spare bedrooms?"
"Not at all, Dave," replied the gracious host, "the bedrooms are
upstairs, but make sure you use the second one on the left."
"Oh, all right…," said the man, "why?"
"Tom and your wife are using the first one."

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Two women friends

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their

business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her

panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was

wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was

lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the

graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said

"We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night

without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck

between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never

forget you'."

The Wasteful Older Generation

HOW WASTEFUL WAS OUR
OLDER GENERATION?
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for
the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained: "We didn't have the green
thing back in my day."
The clerk responded: "That's our problem today. The former generation
did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer
bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and
refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled.
But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an
escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the
grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every
time they had to go two blocks.
But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an
energy-gobbling machine burning up 240 volts - wind and solar power
really did dry the clothes.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a
screen the size of the Scotland. In the kitchen, they blended and
stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do
everything.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a
wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble
wrap.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut
the lawn. They used a push lawn mower that ran on human power. They
exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a glass tumbler when they were thirsty instead of
using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.
They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen,
and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away
the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus instead of turning their mothers and
fathers into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in
a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And
they didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza
joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old
folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

Afternoon Jokes.

The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
So, the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Needing Help
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's
dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that
they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence:
"But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his
mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Bad Combinations
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near
60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or
not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
The following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
*
1.
A nose ring and bifocals
2.
Spiked hair and bald spots
3.
A pierced tongue and dentures
4.
Miniskirts and support hose
5.
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6.
Speedo's and cellulite
7.
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8.
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9.
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.
Bikinis and liver spots
11.
Short shorts and varicose veins
12.
Inline skates and a walker
*
And last, but not least...
My personal favourite:
*
13.
Thongs and Depends.
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.
"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times
their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with an answer:
"They don't have a union."

TWENTY FOUR Maxims for Life

1.
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

3.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If s/he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing her/him again.

6.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8.
My reality check bounced.

9.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10.
I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.

11.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.

13.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14.
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level,
Then beat you with experience.

15.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

16.
Don't be irreplaceable -
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

18.
The more rubbish you put up with, the more rubbish you are going to get.

19.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

21.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22.
When you don't know what to do,
Walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Morning Jokes.

Excuses You Can Use
*
- The dog ate my car keys.
We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm Gonna Be Late Because...
*
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh?
So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false
Information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.
He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
~~~~~~~~~~
Best Friends?
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best
of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed
that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents
of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed
and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend
one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied,
"Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started,
"Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I
was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your
grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said
Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you getting at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if
I filter it through my kidneys first?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Father's Lesson
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered, he asks,
"Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up.
"That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a
second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call
again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says,
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

A Classic!

"AND GOD CREATED THE ORGASM SO THAT WOMEN CAN MOAN,EVEN WHEN THEY
ARE HAPPY."

XX - Adult Puns!

The vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way?

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work.
The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So, the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for
years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him.
He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in.
He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table
with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and
looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing
like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window.
He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is
waiting for him. The window cleaner says,
"Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what
is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to
see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky
monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese
in his foreskin."

Judy the blonde runs crying into the office.
"Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend Paul, the Porsche Driver" gushes Judi.
"He was working on the engine under the hood of his 911 when the lid
came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god" shrieks Carol.
"Did it amputate his whole finger!? "
"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi."But it was the one just next to it!"

If American ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over?
On the Captain's dingy.

Very Funny Short Jokes”

There is only one perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbor has it

————————–

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?

Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

————————–

The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: "Everything".

and the book is titled: "What Women Want!"

————————–

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

————————–

Man receives telegram: Wife dead – should be buried or Cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

————————–

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying &

The other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!

————————–

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

————————–

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said,

"I've found a man just like father!"

Mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Friday, July 01, 2011

Banking crisis - a word of caution!!!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this
year only two banks will be left operational..... the Blood Bank and
the Sperm Bank! And before you know it, these two will merge, and
the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Quick Laughs

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever,
So, he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a
bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at
the neighbour's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural
causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says,
"Um.. No.. Um.. What happened?"
The neighbour replies,
"We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is
that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug
him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be
some real sick people out there!"

~~~~~~~~~~
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older
woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain
young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how
surprised I am! I'm her mother!"
~~~~~~~~~~
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies,
"I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks,
"Would you like the milk pasteurised
She answers,
"No, just up to the neck".
~~~~~~~~~~
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender says,
"What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says,
"Arrr! I've got a bounty on me head!"

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