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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

TEN Classic Indianisms:

How to fix grammatically-insane phrases found in common Indian English.

"Do one thing...take this piece of chalk..."

We are a unique species, aren't we?

Not humans.

Indians, I mean.

No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with,

"What is your good name?"

As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil

Pseudonym.

Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the TEN
most hilarious

Indianisms out there.

And here they are.

The most common ones, and my favourites among them.

1. 'Passing out'

When you complete your studies at an educational institution,

You graduate from that institution.

You do not "pass out" from that institution.

To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk.

Though I'm not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a
sudden elation on

Hearing you've passed all of your exams, which could lead to you
actually "passing out,"

But this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means "to return to a former state."

I can't help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

"Please revert at the earliest."

"Sure, I'll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my
original primitive

Hydrocarbon state at 12 p.m. Today."

3. 'Years back'

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."

Given how common this phrase is, I'm guessing the first person who
switched "ago" for

"back" probably did it years back.

See what I mean?

And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so

Wrong.

"So, when did you buy this car?"

"Oh, years back."

"Cool, can you open the backside? I'd like to get a load in."

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful."

It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other

Dinosaurs.

"Will you do the needful?"

"Of course, and I'll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too."

5. 'Discuss about'

"What shall we discuss about today?"

"Let's discuss about politics.

We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar."

You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.

The word "discuss" means to "talk about".

There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."

That would be like saying "talk about about."

Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let's order for a pizza."

"Sure, and why not raid a library while we're about it."

When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

Perhaps, somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the
"doing" word and

Added "for" to make sure their order would reach them.

They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'
When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase

"Do one thing," you're doing it wrong.

"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism.

It is only understood in India.

It is not proper English.

It is irritating.

There are better ways to begin a reply.

And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing"
invariably ends

Up giving you at least five things to do.

"My computer keeps getting hung."

"Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your
hardrive. Run a virus

Check.

Restart your computer... ."

8. 'Out of station'
"Sorry I can't talk right now, I'm out of station."

"What a coincidence, Vijay, I'm in a station right now."

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favourite
"I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I'm going to bed now, sleep is coming."

"OK, say hi to it for me."

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits.

"Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn't a poem.

You don't have to give body cycles their own personalities.

(Normally, we say 'I am getting sleep' - very rarely children might be
saying the actual

transliteration of Indian Language 'Sleep is coming')

10. 'Prepone'

"Let's prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m."

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that
I'm proud of, and

That I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.

Because it makes sense.

Because it fills a gap.

Because we need it.

We're Indians, damn it.

Students of chaos theory.

We don't have the time to say silly things like "could you please
bring the meeting

forward."…

Prepone it is.

Layman's language TEN commandments

1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble,
But it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small?
Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE.
So, look ahead and move on.
Concentrate and focus ahead always.

3] Friendship is like a BOOK.
It takes few seconds to burn,
But it takes years to write.

4] All things in life are temporary.
If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever.
If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old Friends are Gold!
New Friends are Diamond!
If you get a Diamond,
Don't forget the Gold!
Because to hold a Diamond,
You always need a Base of Gold!

6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end,
GOD smiles from above and says,
"Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7] When GOD solves your problems,
You have faith in HIS abilities;
When GOD doesn't solve your problems,
HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony:
"Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"
He replied:
"Yes, losing your vision!"

9] When you pray for others,
God listens to you and blesses them,
And sometimes,
When you are safe and happy,
Remember,
That someone has prayed for you.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The
first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The
priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The
doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The
engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build
targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a
civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer
said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but
a talking frog - now that's cool.

XX - Adult Puns!

The most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar is:
"May I move your stool?"

"So, he asked, 'Would you be interested in a threesome?'"
"OH, NO! What did you tell him?"
"I said, "I might. 'Whom did you have in mind?'
'He replied, 'Your pretty little friend Jill!'
'I said,
'That's too bad because I was thinking more along the lines of your
gorgeous, hunky friend Jerry, who I know for a fact has 10 and a half
inches to offer!'"

On her eighteenth birthday Bambi went down to a stag bar and blew a few bucks.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So, although we are all
feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies,
go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love
with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
You call them up and tell them you can't come.

A certain guy had never had sex in his life,
So, his friend tells him that he'll take him to a girl who will teach
him a few things.
He agrees.
Later that week, he's in a motel room with the girl.
She takes off her clothes, and asks him,
"Do you know what I want?"
He says, quite honestly,
"No."
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again, he answers,
"No."
Now, she's not sure exactly what to do,
So, she spreads her legs all the way; we're talking spread-eagle.
She asks,
"Now do you know what I want?"
He answers,
"Yeah. You want the whole damn bed to yourself.

"Premature ejaculation"
A man younger than 18 having sex.

Woman asks:
"If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man.
How come?"
Confucius replies:
It's very simple.
Confucius says
"When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key."

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends would touch her stomach and say:
"Congrats!!"
But none of them would touch the man's penis and say:
"Good job".
Moral of the story:
Hard work is rarely appreciated

Girls say they like a sensitive man,
But then they complain about my premature ejaculation.

Morning Jokes.

Housecleaning Hints
*
-- Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply
look confused and exclaim
"What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children.
(Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob
vigorously, fake a growl and say,
"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the
shots are SO expensive."
~~~~~~~~~~
Housecleaning Hints Part 2
*
-- Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that,
"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
-- General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly.
Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh,
I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a
pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies
for a bake sale for a favourite charity and haven't had time to
clean...
Works every time.
-- Another favourite,
I think from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected
guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.
~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Wives?
A little boy was attending his first wedding with the family..
After the service, a cousin wondered aloud,
"I wonder how many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," volunteered Jenni's boy.
The cousin was amazed that the boy had figured it out so quickly and asked,
"How do you know that for sure?"
"Easy," Jenni's boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, didn't you
hear the preacher say:
'Four for better, four for worse, four richer, and four poorer,' and
that makes sixteen "
~~~~~~~~~~
Forgetful
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.
Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.
William was a little worried when the doctor came in.
Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was
to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never
sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a
letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get
there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Please pay me in advance."

BLESSED ARE THE Whackadoodles , FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig. (how true)

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life
is too short and friends are too few !

Sunday, July 10, 2011

XX- Racy proverbs

● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop
moving when the music stops.

● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your
way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard

● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until
you realize you are only f**king yourself.

● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society;
but always remember who laid them!

● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.

● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of
reason goes un- wiped.
● Men play the game. Women know the score.

● Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their
husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.

● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine
months later you wish you'd never come.

● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you
are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who
can't even remember her first husband.

● Here is the definition of divorce...She gets the ring and the man
gets the finger!

● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."

● Confucius say...... Man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.

● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis
is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

Morning Jokes.

New Accountant
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who
ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly,
I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to
have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money
worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
~~~~~~~~~~
England's West Country
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops.
While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see
shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books.
So, she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked,
"Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people
knock before entering someone's home."
~~~~~~~~~~
College Graduation
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation.
After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested,
"Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered,
"Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

XX - Adult Puns!

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this inadvertently racy testimonial from a little old lady
who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the
woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton.
But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the
best cotton-picking hoer in the county!"

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff.
"You claim that the defendant stole your money from your stocking?"
"That's right, Your Honour,"
"Well, why didn't you resist?"
The girl blushed and lowered her eyes.
"I didn't know he was after my money, your Honour."

You've gotta hand it to the blind hooker.

A guy meets a cute girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation.
Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening later, he asks her to come
back to his apartment.
In no time, they are in the throws of passion, tearing off each others' clothes.
His manhood at full attention, he has just her socks and panties to go
before reaching the promised land.
When he pulls off her socks he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes.
She explains that she lost them after having been unprotected in
freezing weather, and they were amputated due to frostbite.
This immediately causes him to lose his erection and to have no desire
to continue with his love making.
No longer the least bit interested in continuing, he apologizes to her
and rushes to get her dressed and out of his house.
As she was a real beauty and he couldn't wait to mount her, the event
really bothers him So, he visits his doctor and relates what happened.
Upon finishing his story, the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says
"Nothing to fret about. It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant."

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for
the third time.

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
"Hello" she says.
"Hello" says the male voice at the other end. "I'll bet you'd really
like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt and blouse and bra and
panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to
you…."
The Jewish lady replies,
"From 'hello' you can tell all this?"

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:
"What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

Morning Jokes.

Inflated Ego
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed
she had bought a new book entitled,
"What 20 Million American Women Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied,
"I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
~~~~~~~~~~
Points to Ponder
*
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found
someone to blame it on.

* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday
with a television on the blink.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some
willing to let them.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and
travelers cheque's.
~~~~~~~~~~
Think About It
*
* Money doesn't bring you happiness,
But it enables you to look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
But it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with,
But they make great ancestors.

* Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a
public restroom.
~~~~~~~~~~
Church Money
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting
for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of
inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the
finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs
cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you
who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
Just at that moment, the organist started playing,
"The Star Spangled Banner."

Friday, July 08, 2011

Phone bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
family meeting...

On a Saturday morning...

after breakfast...

Dad:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:
Same here,
I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:
Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.

Maid:
So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Irish Medical Dictionary

The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term

Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Not a friend
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
-
One plus one more

Urine
-
Opposite of you're out

Computer Terms

State-of-the-art -
Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete -
Any computer you own.

Microsecond -
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

GUI -
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(Pronounced "gooey").

Keyboard -
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse -
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Portable Computer -
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home,
On vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash -
A typical computer response to any critical dead-line.

System Update -
A quick method of trashing ALL of your soft-ware.

Some British Humour!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him,
I was still up playing my Trumpet

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself,
Please don't get an erection,
Please don't get an erection...
But she did!

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was
Eat,
Drink
&
Be Mary.

Man calls 999 and says.
"I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says,
"The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said,
"You're pulling my leg."

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it
&
Some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass with instructions do not use
under sunlight!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!!
At least I presume she was poor -
She only had $1.20 in her purse.

XX Adult Puns!

If you come across a tiger in the jungle,
Wipe it off and apologize.

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend.
When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband
to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after five minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold,
So, she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So, he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another five minutes and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again."
So, she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So, he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
Five minutes has passed and he went in again and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again."
She then said,
"Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

If I were ever in one of those jokes where you have to tell the native
chief which way you'd prefer to die,
I'd tell him that I'd like to be hung like a horse.

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day
in a snappy new suit.
"Where'd you pick 'em up?" Jim beamed.
"My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Jim with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work
early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the
bedroom."

I have a genetic predisposition for hiring prostitutes.
You might say I'm buysexual.

A bill collector came knocking at Nadine's door; she had fallen behind
on her bills.
"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next
installment on that couch?" Nadine shrugged and said.
"I guess that's better than having to give you money."

Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

Rodney sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to
hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

Those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
version -- with nuts of course?

Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So, " says the second drunk, "what's your point? "
"Well, " says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get! "

My neighbour's daughter hollered up to her mom,
"The bill collector is here. Have you got the money or do you want me
to go out and play for a while?"

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness.
As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar, she was
distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Shay, honey-baby, I'd really like to get into those pants of yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there. "

A new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples will be
called Genitalia?

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Home Mathematics

TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how
many will you have
Johnny ?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Very angry Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I fuckin' already have one at home!!!

Doctors' notes on patients' hospital charts

(purportedly unedited)

1. Patient has chest pain if lying on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it
disappeared altogether.

3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1997.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.

5. Discharge status:
Alive but without permission.

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

7. The patient refused an autopsy.

8. The patient has no past history of suicides.

9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant,
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal exam revealed a normal-sized thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a lawyer instead.

21. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

22. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

23. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

24. She has had no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband says
that last night in bed, she was very hot.

25. Patient has two teen-age children, but no more abnormalities.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Morning Jokes.

Job Interview
An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to
an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the
application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not
answered one important question concerning transportation to and from
work.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
~~~~~~~~~~
Coins
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece
was being issued to honour two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other
side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman
replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or
Hale's'."
~~~~~~~~~~
Who is it?
An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the
hotel clerk asked him a riddle.
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister.
Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't
know, who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get
home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them:
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister.
Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So, he
told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."

Morning Jokes.

The Laws of Golf, Part I
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the
more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.
If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5:
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath
of the universe.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part II
LAW 6:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
an instructor.
LAW 7:
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8:
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9:
Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10:
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part III
LAW 11:
Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist
of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer
and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14:
Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15:
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part IV
LAW 16:
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an
easy one, sucker."
LAW 17:
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score
to what it really should be.
LAW 19:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

XX - Adult Puns!

He says,
"Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love."
She says,
"Well I can -and that's why we're not."

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful,
Provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

"What does this patient have, Nurse Welby?"
"A chronic erection,"
"And where are you taking him?"
"To my apartment."

The party was going really well and the drinks were flowing freely.
A man was getting along very well with an attractive young woman and
he asked the host,
"Do you mind if I use one of your spare bedrooms?"
"Not at all, Dave," replied the gracious host, "the bedrooms are
upstairs, but make sure you use the second one on the left."
"Oh, all right…," said the man, "why?"
"Tom and your wife are using the first one."

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Two women friends

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their

business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her

panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was

wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was

lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the

graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said

"We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night

without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck

between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never

forget you'."

The Wasteful Older Generation

HOW WASTEFUL WAS OUR
OLDER GENERATION?
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for
the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained: "We didn't have the green
thing back in my day."
The clerk responded: "That's our problem today. The former generation
did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer
bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and
refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled.
But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an
escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the
grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every
time they had to go two blocks.
But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an
energy-gobbling machine burning up 240 volts - wind and solar power
really did dry the clothes.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a
screen the size of the Scotland. In the kitchen, they blended and
stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do
everything.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a
wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble
wrap.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut
the lawn. They used a push lawn mower that ran on human power. They
exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a glass tumbler when they were thirsty instead of
using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.
They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen,
and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away
the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus instead of turning their mothers and
fathers into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in
a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And
they didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza
joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old
folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

Afternoon Jokes.

The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
So, the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Needing Help
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's
dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that
they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence:
"But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his
mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Bad Combinations
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near
60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or
not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
The following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
*
1.
A nose ring and bifocals
2.
Spiked hair and bald spots
3.
A pierced tongue and dentures
4.
Miniskirts and support hose
5.
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6.
Speedo's and cellulite
7.
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8.
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9.
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.
Bikinis and liver spots
11.
Short shorts and varicose veins
12.
Inline skates and a walker
*
And last, but not least...
My personal favourite:
*
13.
Thongs and Depends.
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.
"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times
their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with an answer:
"They don't have a union."

TWENTY FOUR Maxims for Life

1.
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

3.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If s/he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing her/him again.

6.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8.
My reality check bounced.

9.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10.
I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.

11.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.

13.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14.
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level,
Then beat you with experience.

15.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

16.
Don't be irreplaceable -
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

18.
The more rubbish you put up with, the more rubbish you are going to get.

19.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

21.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22.
When you don't know what to do,
Walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Morning Jokes.

Excuses You Can Use
*
- The dog ate my car keys.
We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm Gonna Be Late Because...
*
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh?
So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false
Information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.
He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
~~~~~~~~~~
Best Friends?
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best
of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed
that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents
of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed
and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend
one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied,
"Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started,
"Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I
was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your
grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said
Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you getting at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if
I filter it through my kidneys first?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Father's Lesson
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered, he asks,
"Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up.
"That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a
second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call
again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says,
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

A Classic!

"AND GOD CREATED THE ORGASM SO THAT WOMEN CAN MOAN,EVEN WHEN THEY
ARE HAPPY."

XX - Adult Puns!

The vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way?

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work.
The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So, the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for
years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him.
He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in.
He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table
with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and
looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing
like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window.
He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is
waiting for him. The window cleaner says,
"Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what
is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to
see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky
monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese
in his foreskin."

Judy the blonde runs crying into the office.
"Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend Paul, the Porsche Driver" gushes Judi.
"He was working on the engine under the hood of his 911 when the lid
came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god" shrieks Carol.
"Did it amputate his whole finger!? "
"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi."But it was the one just next to it!"

If American ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over?
On the Captain's dingy.

Very Funny Short Jokes”

There is only one perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbor has it

————————–

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?

Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

————————–

The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: "Everything".

and the book is titled: "What Women Want!"

————————–

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

————————–

Man receives telegram: Wife dead – should be buried or Cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

————————–

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying &

The other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!

————————–

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

————————–

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said,

"I've found a man just like father!"

Mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Friday, July 01, 2011

Banking crisis - a word of caution!!!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this
year only two banks will be left operational..... the Blood Bank and
the Sperm Bank! And before you know it, these two will merge, and
the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Quick Laughs

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever,
So, he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a
bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at
the neighbour's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural
causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says,
"Um.. No.. Um.. What happened?"
The neighbour replies,
"We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is
that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug
him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be
some real sick people out there!"

~~~~~~~~~~
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older
woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain
young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how
surprised I am! I'm her mother!"
~~~~~~~~~~
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies,
"I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks,
"Would you like the milk pasteurised
She answers,
"No, just up to the neck".
~~~~~~~~~~
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender says,
"What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says,
"Arrr! I've got a bounty on me head!"

Thursday, June 30, 2011

MAXINE FOR 2012 PRESIDENT!

Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United
States , beginning with the Year 2012.

For those of you who would like THE VERY BEST choice for President, we
have a solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. One
choice is a very special lady who has just about every answer to
assist in helping us to solve our problems.

PLEASE give this a thought when you have a moment...

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

Very eloquently put.............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I
have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.
I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do
what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or
wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking
somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This
works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are
urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old
ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's
scary!)

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry
in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Mirth . . . . .

Q: Why are condoms transparent?

A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead

of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today...

tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?

A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?

A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR

& a STAGE CURTAIN?

A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when
you pull down the UNDERWEAR.....

it's SHOWTIME!!!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?

A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later...

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise .
Why?

Because they would have eaten the snake

instead of the bloody apple!

The Best Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,'
the officer said..
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right
in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up
for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck,
huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

XX - AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR

This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT (Department of Foreign
Affairs and Trade) Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then
Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in
desperation to censure the author,but got nowhere because every legal
person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing! Please excuse the
language contained within, but I suspect the author was somewhat
upset? I'll let you decide!

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows
that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in
1997,and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was
born and on what date.

My birth date you have in my medicare information, and it is on all
the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my
driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all
those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before
being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years
since1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be
absolutely fucking astounded, if that ever changed between now and
when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this
morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You
send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking
address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a
gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture.. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a
Kiwi girl).. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a
shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever
got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe
you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, and to
part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN
INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot,
to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo..
that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense. You would
much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with
our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society
wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo!
You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
...you fucking morons

Signed -
An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone
in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took
up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30
years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security
clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL..
and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am; You know... someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN
AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !!!. ......a country where they
either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended
from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all Fucking idiots

Monday, June 27, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

What are the advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell
And
There are no wedding bells!

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.
Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit.
"He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

The difference between a woman taking a shower and a nun is
The nun has hope in her soul.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that
You never get to prove it.

Monica Lewinsky came to the White House as a naive and shy young women,
But left with a bad taste in her mouth.

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class,
"Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.
No one knows.
Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for
foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask.
Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says,
"Yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says,
"Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's
lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

Mexican Words Of The Day In A Sentence

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me,
But cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car,
there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home, wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left,
But don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her,
Honey, harassment nothing to me".

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Morning Jokes

Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes
the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outraged, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to it all, you show
up and drink my
Poison."
~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said,
"How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied,
"She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
~~~~~~~~~~
Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled,
"Um ... No."
The lawyer interrupts,
"or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no Idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

XX - Adult Quickies

The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic moon.
Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered,
"I love you."
With a deep sigh, the girl replied,
"A little higher."
"I love you," came the higher-pitched reply.
~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between frustration and panic?
Frustration is the first time you discover
You can't do it the second time.
Panic is the second time
You discover you can't do it the first time.
~~~~~~~~~~
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived.
She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out
for a night on the town.
After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's
apartment for a nightcap.
They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then
Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.
"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."
"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."
~~~~~~~~~~
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".
~~~~~~~~~~
One Greek says to another,
"Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"

Adopt A Terrorist

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters

MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa,ON K1A 0K2

Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces - who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new Department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem " will
help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been
known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with
the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed - and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense

XX - A BIT OF OFFENSIVE HUMOUR

I thought about selling my car in the Auto Trader.
My wife said "Maybe it'd help if I pose on the bonnet like the girls
in Max Power".
The fat bitch left a big dent in it.
Mind you,I did hit her at about 60mph.

Whats the difference between a white fairy and a black fairy tale?
A white fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time",
A black one starts with "Ain't no motherf - - - - r gonna believe this
shit......!"

An american fighter plane was flying over Libya when he noticed a
flying carpet on each side of his plane,
both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right f - - - - - g bollocking.
Apparently they were Allied Carpets!

Just got a job with the Samaritans.
Tried to phone in sick the other day but the f - - - - - s talked me out of it.

I went to the gym yesterday and said to the trainer,"Which machine can
I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there?"
He looked at me and replied "Try the cash machine outside the front
door you fat bastard".

I met a fairy today who granted me ONE wish.
"I want to live forever" I said
"Sorry" said the fairy", I'm not allowed to ok wishes like that".
"Fine" I said "I want to die when Liverpool win the Premier League"
"You cratfy bastard" said the fairy.

Man walks up to a fat girl in a pub and asks...
"Have you got a pen?"
The girl being thrilled to get some attention eagerly says yes and
reaches into her handbag........
Man says "Well don't you think you better get back in it before the
farmer realises you're missing"
(a pen is where pigs are kept)

Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest "I'M PREGNANT"
He asked "How did this happen my child?"
She said "I think it must be the second coming"
The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it was
the second coming?"
She replied "Because I swallowed the first"

I got some toy soldiers for x'mas
I play with them when I'm in bed.
I'm fed up with sargents and corporals
So I play with my privates instead.

I was in bed last night with a blind woman and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on!
I said "You are pulling my leg!"

Quentin and Jeremy, two gays, are at the zoo.
When they come to the gorilla enclosure they notice one of the
gorillas has a massive erection.
Jeremy can't resist, he reaches through the bars and fondles the gorilla's tool.
Suddenly the gorilla grabs him,drags him into the cage and screws him
for 6 hours non-stop.
When he's done the gorilla throws Jeremy out of the cage.
An ambulance rushes him to hospital.
Two days later Quentin visits him and asks "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT??!!!!!! Jeremy screams.
Wouldn't you be?
He hasn't called, he hasn't text..............."

I saw a dead woman laying in a field last night, so I reported it to the police.
They said "How did you find her body?"
I said "Her tits were okay but her arse was a bit tight"

The Priest is showing his nephew how to wank.
His nephew says "This is great!"
The Priest replies "Wait till you're 13, you'll be able to use your own cock".

A man walks into a pharmacy and says
"Where's the Tampax?"
The assistant replies "Over there mate"
The man returns with cotton wool balls and toilet paper.
"Thought u wanted Tampax" says the assistant.
"Yeah well last week I asked the wife 2 buy me a pack of 20 fags,
but she came back with a pouch of tobacco.
So we will see how she likes rolling her own!"

MIXED JOKES

Read The Label
A three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were
two boy kitties and two girl kitties.
"How do you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~
How to avoid a shark attack:
*
1. Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally
large bodies of water also known as oceans.
The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the
water, which should be salty.
2. Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen
carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary
film Jaws.
All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-DA, daah-DA" chords, which
will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer.
This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3. Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.
If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan
lotion with A-1 steak Sauce.
This will definitely improve your odds.
4. Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the
decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack.
Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your
freakin' life.
And finally...
5. Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm.
This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will
appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and
can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about
you!
~~~~~~~~~~
Robbery!
A young lady, whose aunt was home with the flu, went to the office
where the aunt was employed to collect her paycheck.
On the way home she was robbed.
"Help! Help! I've been robbed!" she cried. "Someone has taken my aunt's pay."
She was heard by a burly policeman who came rushing up and said,
"Cut out the pig-Latin and tell me what happened."
~~~~~~~~~~
Smoking
Three kids were smoking behind the shed.
"My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first.
"Ha, mine can blow smoke through his ears!" countered the second boy.
"That's nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through
his arse. I know, 'cos I've seen the nicotine stains on his undies."

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

XX - Morning Jokes

"Under The Sea"
*
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids
were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers
got together to compare the results and put together some of the
comments.
Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged
between 5 and 8 years...
*
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
*
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
*
A dolphin breaths through an a hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
*
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)
*
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
*
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
*
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie age 7 )
~~~~~~~~~~
5th Graders
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their
way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew
began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to
settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution
that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and
announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop
this airplane and come back there!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Jury Selection
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly
contesting and dismissing potential jurors. John was called for his
question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honour."
"Married or single?"
"Married for years, Your Honour."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in many years, Your Honour."
~~~~~~~~~~
Amish Carriage
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy Efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do Not
step in Exhaust."

XX - Adult Puns!

Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite.

Confucius say:
"Nail on board is not good as screw on bench."

He said,
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way."
She said,
"Well, you succeeded."

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said,
"Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had! " gasped the girl.
Then, she smiled and added,
"Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack
our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah
drink."

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of crap.
He buzzes down and says,
"Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"

Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home.
He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man.
He started to yell at the interloper,
"What right have you got to be screwing my wife?"
The man answered calmly,
"You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to
marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good
sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose,
I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.
Okay?"
"Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more
interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

Cannibal -
One who is apt to pass his best friend.
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they
were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied,
"I know. I know."

Smart Spouse

A woman was sipping a glass of wine, whilst sitting on the patio with
her husband, and she says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how the hell I could ever live without you!"

Her husband asks"Sweetheart, is that you, or the wine in you talking?"

She replies "It's me...talking to the wine"

Morning Jokes.

The Danger Of Typos
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room
port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson,
at her address, which began with JennJohn.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended
up going to and address that began with JeanJohn, a Jean Johnson in
Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried
that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read,
"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde and Library
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.
A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter,
"This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many
numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian,
"So, here is the person who took our phone book!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Personnel
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down
by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
~~~~~~~~~~
Things You May Hear Just Before Downsized
*
-- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!

-- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is,
I'm sick of you.

-- Its not that you aren't a responsible worker.
In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else
in the place.

-- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!

-- I've got good news for you.
You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.

-- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

XX - Adult Puns!

The first guy said, ]
"You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an
acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said,
"I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have
sex. She's got the most talented hands; the third guy,
"George how's you wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied,
"I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."
"A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

A few days after refusing to sleep with her boss, the secretary
stormed into his office. "My salary's been cut in half!" she
shrieked."
"That's right," the boss replied, "haven't you ever heard of a withholding tax?"

Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales
records with his 'like new' models.
A large sign in his window announced:
"One Blonde Free With Every Car."
A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot
anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country.
He parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and whispered a
suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said,
"You got that when you bought this car."

Man:
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:
Un fertilized.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

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