Hilarious Church Notices

As soon as the weather clears up, members of the adult men's class
will have a goof outing at the Rapides Country Club.

November 11 -- An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
private study.

Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter
October 12 thru 17.

Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

Wednesday afternoon, when Ruby Chesterfield stopped by to deliver
supplies for the church kitchen, she encountered a young man in the
process of robbing the food cabinets.
After an extended chase all over the church, she finally caught him by
the organ.
Ruby, the coach of our High school track team, told police officers,
"I was determined that Andy Simmons was not going to have the personal
satisfaction of out running me."
Although law enforcement officers and the pastor have chosen not to
reveal the identity of the offender, it is known that he and his
family are members of our church.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb etertainment,
and gracious hostility.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
Maybe that explains why things get so hot on warm, sunny days.

We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

Vacation Bible School Starts Next Week!
Local artists will be featured Wednesday.
Mothers: If you have promising drawers in your house, be sure to bring them.

The agenda was adopted and minutes were approved.
The financial Secretary gave a grief report.

Thursday night -- Potluck Supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.

Following the work session, food and soft drinks will be provided for all.
Barbecue (grilled) chicken and hamburgers will be features.
A limited number of hot gods will also be available for the kids.

Closing Hymn, Page 132: "I Love Thee My Ford."

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mazie Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Friday, our normal Church workday, we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds
around the church building and the rector.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

The Young Adult class would like to grant special recognition to Hank Elliot.
Hank donated the use of a retired race horse to our church.
Some members have reservations about accepting an animal once used for
purposes of gambling.
We would like to remind everyone of the old adage:
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Please come early and listen to our choir practice.

Don't let worry kill you off.
Let our pastor, and the Church, help.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Next Saturday is the family hayride and bonfire.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns.
Friends are welcome!
We leave from the church parking lot.
Everyone come for a fun time.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

Two sisters were reunited after eighteen years at a checkout counter
in Alexandria.
One is a member of our Church.

Helen Turner has a seriously sprained ankle.
Let us hold up her leg in prayer.

The $50 cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes all meals.

Helpers are desperately needed!
Please sign up on the information sheep.

The wellness report is again short this week.
Margie Smith says she is feeling great after exploratory surgery and
Pastor Butts is much better.

Jamie Janssen, blind since birth, received the donation of a kidney
from a cousin who she hasn't seen in years.

Please be aware the bowl at the back of the Church, the one labeled
'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the
congregation will join in.

Ushers will eet latecomers.

You are reminded that Fifth Sinday is Lent.

Brother Lamar, our oldest deacon, has gone on to be the Lord.
The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

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Read carefully, and you will learn a lot!!

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.

Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a
Partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it.
One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.

Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and
Ironic. They also had myths.

A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River
Stynx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer.

Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the Java.
The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the
law into their own hands.

There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because
the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.

History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.

The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages.
King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of
Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings,

Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of
the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.

Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verse and also wrote literature.

Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling
papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull.

It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.

Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."
As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."
Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies
and errors.

In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote".
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."
Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who
came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them.

The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them.

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.
Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the
post without stamps.

During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls.
The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and
a loaf of bread under each arm.

He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a
horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country.
Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility.

Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands.

When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.

He said, "In onion there is strength."

Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.

But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and
other innocent victims.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton.
It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are flaling
off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.
He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.

The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it
catapulted into Napoleon.

During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling
in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks.

Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
He (sic) reclining years and finally the end of her life were
exemplatory of a great personality.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.

The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.

Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.

Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species".

Madman Curie discovered radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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Irony of life

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their
luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have
something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always
just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still
expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they
don't believe you.

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XX - Adult Puns!

God give women nipples to make suckers out of men.

Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent men
who are also hay fever sufferers.
By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the
impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at.

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.
A second man said,
'Gee, you're fat.'
The fat man said,
'Yeah.'
The second man asked,
'How long has it been since you've seen your dick?'
The fat man answered,
'Long time.'
The second man asked,
'Why don't you diet?'
The fat man asks,
'Why? What colour is it now?'

Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophillia is dead boring.

Two good ol' boys up in the Virginia hills were sitting on the front
porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, after getting off of
work at the local coal mine.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,
"If I was to sneak over to your house Saturday & make love to your
wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know 'bout kin, but it'd make us even."

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

Woman:
"I just had a baby and the Doctor told me to  do those Kegel exercises
- you know to tighten up things down there." [giggle]
Nurse:
"Yes, I understand. Are yo u in pain?"
Woman:
"No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those
exercises, I have an orgasm." Nurse:
"I'm sorry, did you say 'orgasm'?"
Woman:
"Yes. Am I doing them right?"
Nurse:
"Sounds like it to me!"

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,
and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
''Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No.. I rather like it.'
''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant.
The woman was mystified.
'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think congressmen come from?'

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman.
As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency,
they bolted away.
The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him,
"When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right
up his ass."
Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree.
"Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."

The vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way?

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Morning Jokes ...

Teacher
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my
head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red
in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then, why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~
License Plate
While driving with my daughter and her husband, I noticed that the
woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.
"That's weird," I said, pointing to it. "Why would anyone want to
boast about mold on their car?"
"Call me crazy," said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, "but
I believe that reads 'FUN-GAL.'"
~~~~~~~~~~
Cheque book
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's cheque book, Mike made a
deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few
hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and
figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... Mortgage
550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read
the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Ad Campaign
I saw a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by
our county tourist board. Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, it
reads:
Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation!
It's got everything...
Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, sun for the wife, and
plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law.

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA

1.  Both words have the same letters
2.  Both are drinking zones
3.  Both have restricted timing for opening & closing
4.  More importantly, both makes men crazy when open.

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MORNING JOKES

  Got Bugs?
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each
appointment by phone the night before his service call to that
household.
One evening, he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone,
he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife
phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the
other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you
about your relatives."
~~~~~~~~~~
Ransom
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to
the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he
ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from
behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ?
You're over two hours late."
"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."
~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Men
*
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General
Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it!
How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a
man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to
get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like
portable heaters that snore.
~~~~~~~~~~
Things your Mother would NEVER say:
*
-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
walk him every day.

-- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here.

-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if
you're in trouble.

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A good old Irish chuckle

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
__________

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
__________

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy:  "We'll lie and say we only found two."
__________

The Irish have solved their fuel problems.  They've imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their
own oil.
__________

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing
with himself in front of a tractor.  Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in
hell d'yis t'ink yer doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom
lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to
attracter....."
__________

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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MORNING JOKES!

  An Addiction
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds.
After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he
fall,he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed... And he was back to jumping on the beds.
Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but
it's so hard to quit."
~~~~~~~~~~
Names
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy,
and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my
first two sons Mark and Frank."
~~~~~~~~~~
Computer Novices
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the
following call to IBM's help centre show there are plenty of people
out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a
database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva"
desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd
be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she
was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me,
I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
~~~~~~~~~~
Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't really think so."

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XX - Adult Puns!

A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
Was in court for a horrific crime,
Said, "Your honour, oh no!
It cannot be so
For I was a broad at the time.

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump,
I start reading the newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business.
I think might I have Attention Defecate Disorder.

Sex Education:
Sermon on the mount

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a rise.

A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

A sweet young thing visiting Brooklyn's Zoo in Prospect Park one
Sunday asked the keeper where the monkeys were.
Keeper:
"They're in the back, making love."
Sweet young thing:
"Would they come out for some peanuts?"
Keeper:
"Would you?

The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary
is morning sickness.
Bill and Harry w ere having a beer at the neighbourhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy.
"You look kind of down."
"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

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Morning Jokes ...

Casserole
Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.
"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."
~~~~~~~~~~
Glasses?
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Juggling Test
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So, the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Woman of his Dreams
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

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pakistan press brief - a parody (FYI)

Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Pakistan

-Delayed briefing on the tragic events in Abbottabad
-By the Official Spokesman
-To the Intl Media

"How could we not have known where OBL was?
As you know, there are known knowns and unknown knowns.

We like things to be clarified, which is what we're doing now.
But there are other things that we don't know we know.

These are things buried deep in the rubble of our subconscious, like
the Mossad agents under the debris of the twin towers they brought
down.
So we didn't know that we knew where OBL was.
Or didn't know when we were asked if we knew.

When we said OBL wasn't in Pakistan we weren't lying.

You just don't understand how tough a neighbourhood we live in.
None of our borders is settled.
Afghanistan claims Pakhtunkhwa, the Indians won't give us Kashmir,
we've given up part of the Northern Areas to China.
We just don't know where Pakistan begins and where it ends.
Honestly.

Truth is we didn't know Abbottabad was in Pakistan.
How could we?
Abbottabad?
In a pure Muslim country?
A town that sounds like an abbey?
I ask you.

Of course we thought it didn't belong to us.
Would we have kept calling it Abbottabad if we'd known it was ours?
These old colonial names are like pork.
We don't want to put them in our mouths.

Why did the Pakistan Army have its academy and so many establishments
there then?
You know how our Army is.
It keeps going into places that don't belong to Pakistan.
It's a tradition it started in 1947.
Doesn't mean that because the Pakistan Army's there it's part of Pakistan.

But of course we knew he was there, but we knew him as Abu Abdullah.
If you'd asked us, Do you know where Abu Abdullah is, we'd have told you.
You never did.
We wonder why.

We also thought he was dead.
Earlier, well before the Americans arrived.
Why?
Because over the last five years we've delivered well over 72 virgins
to that house.
So we thought he'd been martyred already.

Now of course you've killed him while he was saying his sehri prayers.
Yes, yes, that's why he didn't have a gun with him.
You know what this means of course.
The US President has holy blood on his hands.
Obama Sin Laden.

Yes,we saw the helicoptors.
So why didn't we shoot them down?
Well you see, like the rest of you, we knew that Will and Kate hadn't
announced where they were going to honeymoon, and we thought this
might be them coming in on the quiet to give the slip to the
paparazzi.
Can't blame us, can you?

Yes,and OF COURSE we picked up the yells of "Geronimo EKIA".
You know it's an Indian name.
Always knew he was an Indian, that bastard.

Thank god our good friends the Americans now know the truth.
We've known it all along."

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NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...

Yikes!

You might not read these without having to laugh out loud...

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district, USA.

Spellings have been left intact...

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathe the shi**.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We
thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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Attorney

A  very successful attorney parked his brand new  Lexus in front of
his office, ready to show it off  to his colleagues.  As he was
getting out, a  truck came along too closely and completely tore  off
the driver's door.

Fortunately, a  cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his  lights flashing.

Before the cop had a  chance to ask any questions, the attorney
started  screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which  he had
just purchased the day before, was  completely ruined and would never
be the same, no  matter how any car body shop tried to make it new
again.

After the lawyer finally  wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head  in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic  you lawyers
are," he said. "You are so focused on  your possessions that you
neglect the most  important things in life."

"How can  you say such a thing?" asked the  lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you  even realize that your left arm is
missing?   It was severed when the truck hit  you!"

"OH,  MY GOD!!!" screamed  the lawyer.
 *
*
(keep  reading)

*
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*
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*
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*
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*
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*
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  "My  Rolex!"

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Advice

A lady to doctor: My husband has the habbit of talking in sleep .

What should I give him to cure ?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake !

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Morning Jokes!

Wheelbarrow Bet
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the
older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
~~~~~~~~~~
A Visit from Grandmother
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly
departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her
voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she
begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Without Bias
Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an
interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for
$10,000 to find in his favour.
Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favour.
I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the
case without bias."
~~~~~~~~~~
The Boring Speaker
The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a stop button. He burbled on
and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience.
Finally, one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at
him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was
heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

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Five pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember

1.
Money cannot buy happiness but somehow,
it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2.
Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

3.
Help a man when he is in trouble
And
He will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5.
Alcohol does not solve any problem,
But then neither does milk.

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Morning Jokes

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university
and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students
there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him
(no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal
and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on
that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."
~~~~~~~~~~
Collectibles
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of
an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their
pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine
behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
~~~~~~~~~~
What Movies Have Taught Us
*
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have
large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
*
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will
not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
*
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
*
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank
security system or the communication system of an invading alien
civilization.
*
5) Every single person in martial arts film has a black belt in karate.
*
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
*
7) One man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20
men shooting at one man if he is the hero.
*
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip
joint at least once.
*
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single
people with a low wage.
*
10) The entire British population lives in London.
*
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts
fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others
dance around you menacingly.
*
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the
words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
*
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not
necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best
weapons.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dog names
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And what's your cat's name?"
"Bob."
"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

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GIGGLES

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.
She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes." She asked me,
"Single click or double click?"

Teacher: "Max, use 'defeat,' 'defense,' and 'detail' in a sentence."
Max: "When the rabbit cut across the field, defeat went over defense
before detail."

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols,
what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the
opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation." "And you sir, how about
the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up"

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said,
"Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth eaten miserable beasts
I have ever seen." One of the buffalo turned to the other and said,
"You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word.

Out for a stroll, a couple of drunks are staring at the sky.
"What a beautiful night," one of the guys says. "Look at that moon!"
"That's not the moon, you moron," his inebriated pal replies. "That's the sun!"
They're still arguiing when another drunk staggers over.
"Help us out, buddy," the first man says. "Look up--is that the moon
or the sun?"
"I don't know," the man slurs.... "I don't live around here."

"I promise; that bird is so well-behaved, you can take it anywhere,"
the pet store owner assured the woman buyer.
Delighted with her purchase, she took her parrot to church the next day.
Things were great until, halfway through the sermon, the bird blurted
out, "It's DA*n cold in here!"
Embarrassed, the woman ran out of the service and took the bird back to
The pet store the next day.
"This 'good bird' you sold me swore in church yesterday." she told the
shop owner.
"I'm sorry, It sometimes does that in new environments," he explained
to her. "Next time, grab its feet and swing it over your head a few
times. That should stop it."
The following week the woman and her parrot were in church again, when
The parrot yelled, "It's DA*n cold in here!"
Quickly, the woman got up, grabbed the bird and swung it above her
head six times. Then she put the bird back on her shoulder and sat
down.
"Da*n," the bird says... "It's windy too!"

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This is real talent

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MORNING JOKES

Political Quotes
*
"I resent your insinuendoes."
*
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
*
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
*
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
Members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle
*
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
*
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what
Newspapers can report."
*
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
~~~~~~~~~~
Politician's Blathering
*
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
*
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
*
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
*
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
*
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
*
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
*
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished
yourselves in this session."
*
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
~~~~~~~~~~
Jawboning
*
"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest
crime rates in the nation." --
Marion Berry
*
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
*
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
*
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
*
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
*
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
~~~~~~~~~~
Working Hard at Saying Nothing
*
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter
if it goes through or around the city."
*
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
*
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear
suppository in our state."
*
"These numbers are not my own;
They are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
*
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their
seat belts on."
*
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

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FACTS OF LIFE

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks,
Especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go,
But enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ...
Well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women,
2 - Fractions

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Puns of the Day...

A couple who crosses LSD with birth control pills takes a trip without
the kids.

An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?" "Well; as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've
been divorced three times."

Police arrested a transvestite, and charged him with male fraud.

The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the 'Circumvent'.

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory, when
the case comes to caught the judge decides to make an example of him
to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge:
"Well, what have you to say in your defence?"
Boy:
"I'm sorry, Your Honour."
Judge:
"I sentence you to 10 years hard labour, starting immediately."
Boy:
"But sir, it were only a few bars of cheap soap."
Judge:
"Consider yourself lucky, it could have been life boy!"

Cadaver:
Gaining possession of something belonging to a female.
"The coroner had to get back to the morgue, but she said I CADAVER fries."

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Long live Bachelors

- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
Why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
Wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

-
When a man opens the door of his car ofr his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding

  her way back to home always.
--Anonymous

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said,"Some where I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then  the mud fell off.
--Anonymous

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the
frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... At least he'll shut up after you let him in!
 --Anonymous

A couple came upon a wishing well.

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.

But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not
the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,
they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2

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Puns of the Day...

A young family, feeling cramped in their small apartment, went
shopping for a house. The parents looked at houses for a month before
deciding on a two-story house in the country.
While driving to their new home, the mom told the children about the house.
It was a big, two-story house with lots of room.
She told them about the big back yard with a swing-set; the playroom,
big enough for all their toys; and each child would finally have a
room of their own.
On their first night in their new home, the parents got the kids to
bed later than usual, so the mother said they could only read one
story.
The 4-year-old frowned and said,
"No, mommy, this is a two story house!"

Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God,
"God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says,
"Here, Moses, take these two tablets."

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny although
measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the
moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the
earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs -- the tallest of all animals.

Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing
in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,
"Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies,
"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."

Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,
"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a
tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said,
"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.

When I was an infant, my mother had to also take care of my twin
brothers who have CP [cerebral palsy].
Mom obtained a French girl to be my nanny for my first two years.
Instead of the usual strained baby food, she gave me pureed goose
livers as a steady diet.
To this day, Mom credits the nanny for pâté training me.

Part of Sylvester Stallone's long term success can be attributed to
his Rocky start.

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CAR NAMES! THEY DO HAVE MEANINGS !

Who said car names don't have meaning???

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive.

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

MARUTI: MASS Adam (and Eve) Rural Urban Transportation (tinny and
plasticky) (in) India

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

HONDA: Hung Over, Now Driving Away.

And the last.

BMW: Brings Me WomeN!! ;)

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QUICKIES

Rosey wanted her husband to stop smoking so she sent him to the doctor.
The doctor gave him a box of these patches and said to use one a day.
He said ok, and took them home. Rosey asked him what the doctor said
and he showed her the patches and told her that the doctor said to use
one patch a day.
Rosey commenced to sew one patch on each shirt he had.
Both of them are still trying to figure out how that's going to help
him quit smoking.
~~~~~~~~~~
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
~~~~~~~~~~
One of the workers on my construction crew didn't show up for work on
Monday, and he didn't phone to explain his absence. On Tuesday
morning, though, he did call. "I won't be able to make it to work
today," he said, "or yesterday."

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Layman's language 10 commandments ?

They are like the Ten Commandments to follow in life all the time.

1]  Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in  trouble,
     but it is a "steering wheel"  that directs the right path throughout.

2]  So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small?
     Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look
Ahead and Move on. Concentrate and     focus ahead always.

3]  Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it
takes years to write.

4]  All things in life are temporary.  If going well, enjoy it, they
will not last forever.
     If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5]  Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond,
     don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need
a Base of Gold!

6]  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from
above and says,
     "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7]  When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities;
     when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8]  A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse
than losing eye sight?"
     He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

9]  When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and
sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has
prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away
today's PEACE.

 

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THE VALUE OF A DRINK !!!!!

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory
to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not !!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!

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Chocies choices

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his
buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed
into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her
clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

 

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X MIXED JOKES

Jewish Student
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old
country for America returns to visit the family. "But--where is your
beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers
In his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you're still circumcised?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Airline Humor

- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest
Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight."
- This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We  ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot
down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
~~~~~~~~~~
Shipwrecked
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm
in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can
do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Naked on the Golf Course
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of
the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the
other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again
bared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy
in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran
past.
Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer
again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a
white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand
and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here
chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the
woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him
and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby
and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is
get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I
caught her last time!"

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ADULT JOKES

Hmmmmm!
According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe unless your
wife comes home and catches you.
~~~~~~~~~~
This kid comes home all wet, one shoe off and one shoe on, dripping
water all over the house. "Momma, momma, I fell in the drainage canal
!!!"
"Omigosh! How did you get out?"
"This man was walking nearby, heard me yelling, and jumped in to save me."
The mom rushes out the door, runs to the canal, and finds a gentleman
trying to dry himself off with old newspapers. "Are you the man who
pulled my little boy out of the canal?"
"Yes, ma'am, but it was really nothing."
"Nothing?" she screamed, "what did you do with his other shoe?!?!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and
approached an executive. "Sir," said one, "We are soliciting funds for
the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to
donate?" "Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."
~~~~~~~~~~
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then, one
day, a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped
off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams,
and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then, she shows him again.
Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
~~~~~~~~~~
Ol' Jack gets thrown out of the pub at closing time and staggers down
the road in the general direction of home. Knowing that he's not going
to make it he goes into the woods to throw a hughie (vomit).
He leans against a tree and brings up the last four hours of alcohol
and then stands upright to wipe his mouth and beard. Looking down
blearily he notices an old lamp sticking out of the dirt, fortunately
untouched by his offering to hughie.
"Hey, some fool ha' thrown away a gud lamp here," says Jack and he
bends down to pick it up. He examines the lamp and brushes off some of
the dirt and grit.
There's a flash of light, plumes of smoke and a genie pops out of the
lamp. This thing is eight feet tall and twice as wide; wearing a
yellow saffron loin cloth and those weird slippers with the upturned
toes.
"Master," the genie booms. "You have freed me from imprisonment in the
lamp. I shall grant you three wishes!"
Jack looks up at the genie and says, "Well, just f*ck me!"
History does not relate what his next two wishes were.
~~~~~~~~~~
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends, and told that he
may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in
the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His
friends are concerned that he may need to seek help. He took their
feelings to heart and joined AA.
At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his
"pin" showing his progress of one year being clean and sober.
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use
the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on
the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco-free,
and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets
together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is
in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free.
They applaud his dedication.
About a year later, he has another dinner party and announces to all
his friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends -- as
well as his gay friends -- are totally amazed at this. No one believes
he has managed to change so much in his life!
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked.
"Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked.
"Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic," he replied. "It's just when I quit smoking,
I found everything tasted different."
~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmmm!
The funny thing about miracles is that they never happen the way you plan them.

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Traffic Camera

                                                       
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..                                                               
                                                                          
You can't fix stupid.

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Some Good Advice!!!

"Never squat while wearing your spurs"

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash,
Was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.  Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
...The ones that learn by reading.
...The few who learn by observation.
...The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgement.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it is still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want
people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and
some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or lraks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top..
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you're old.

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Generation Why?

 -  People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..

- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

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XX - Adult Jokes.

Hmmmmm!
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who
are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
-- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~
A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water
Mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear
the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh hay.
In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.
For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~
A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it
had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and
built a fence; cut  down trees to create a clearing; built a house and
a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several
years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a
small, neat, productive farm.
Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather
fulsomely, and at great length, at all that, "You and God have done
together."
"He," the farmer said dubiously.  "Ya shoulda seen the place when God
ran it on His own."
~~~~~~~~~~
I went fishing down the lake this morning and as I got there a bloke
fishing had his cooler absolutely CRAMMED full of fish.
I said, "What's the secret mate?"
He said, "Well, every time I pick up my rod I think about my wife."
I said, "Does that help you catch fish?"
He said, "Not really - but it keeps me  from going home for  two weeks."
~~~~~~~~~~
I was sat in the park watching my young son play on the swings when
this gorgeous woman came and sat on the bench beside me. After a
moment, she asked, " Is he yours? He's lovely."
I replied, " Yeah, he is. Thanks." She said, " Where's his mum? "
I looked down to the ground and replied, " There is no mum, I'm
afraid. She died giving birth to him. You know, the last two years
have been the hardest of my life. Nobody ever prepares you for being a
single parent. With no family here, I've had no support network and
I've had to bring him up all by myself. You never know if the things
you do and the
Decisions you make are the right ones but despite everything, he seems
to have turned out all right."
By the time I'd finished, I could feel a tear welling in my eye. She
sat looking at me for a moment before saying, " That breaks my heart
but hearing you say that, makes me feel so attracted to you. "
She took out a pen and a bit of paper, wrote something down and said,
"Here's my number. I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime." And
with that she got up and started to walk away. As I watched this
beautiful woman walk out of the park, I felt my son tugging on my arm,
beckoning me to push him on the swings again.
I looked down and said, " Sorry son, we haven't got time. I need to
get home and kill your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor," a man told his psychotherapist, "My wife uses her vibrator
every evening and for a long time. What should I do?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "Maybe you should be more attentive to her
sexual needs and make love to her more often..." "It's not that,
"interrupted the man, "It's just that the DA*n thing interferes with
the TV remote!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmm!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

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Mixed Jokes...

"Miss, would you help me?" a customer at a department store asked a
female clerk. "I would like to purchase a birthday gift for my
brother. What do you suggest for a man who has everything?"
The clerk offered, "My phone number?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Children At Play
As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at our
apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb children's
playground next door. My wife organized games outdoors for our eight
nieces and nephews, and the laughter and activity drew other children,
until about thirty kids were playing and clamouring for my wife's
attention.

After three hours, she called it quits.
The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two boys
knocked on our patio door and asked if our children could come out and
play. I told them we had no children; our nieces and nephews had just
been visiting.
Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they
asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Home Office Chairs
Our three children like to spin in our home office chairs. One of the
chairs makes this annoying popping noise whenever they are spinning in
it that is not conducive to productive thought processes. We have told
the children time and time again not to spin in the chair. Either they
forget or it is an act of defiance but they continue to spin in the
chair from time to time leading us to believe that this is an act of
swivel disobedience.
~~~~~~~~~~

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10 Funniest Badly-Translated Ads

When it comes to advertising, we've come a long way, baby.
All of these marketing slogans and brand names were perfectly fine...
In English.
However, once they were translated into other languages they took on
hilarious new meanings!

 KFC

When American fast food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken opened their
first restaurant in Beijing in 1987, they accidentally translated
KFC's famous slogan, "Finger-lickin' good" to "We'll Eat Your Fingers
Off!" in Chinese.

 Coors

U.S. Beer-making giant Coors apparently thought their slogan, "Turn it
loose!" would translate to Spanish just fine.

Unfortunately, "Turn it Loose" came out, "Suffer from Diarrhea" instead.

Frankly, if you've ever had Coors...

This slogan isn't too far off the mark.

 Clairol

In 2006, hair care company Clairol introduced a curling iron called
the Mist Stick, which did very well in U.S. Markets.

When the company marketed the product in Germany, however, they failed
to realize that "mist" means "manure" in German.

Oddly enough, the "Manure Stick" didn't sell so well in Germany.

 Milk

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?"
campaign, that they decided to extend the ads to Mexico.

Unfortunately, the Spanish translation is "Are you lactating?"

Kind of a personal question, we think!

 Pepsi

Pepsi's slogan "We bring you back to life" caused a bit of panic in
China, where they

Read it as, "We bring your ancestors back from the grave."

   Puffs

Puffs brand tissues are quite popular in the U.S. A., however, their
quest for global marketing ran into a few snags due to their name.

In Germany, "Puff" is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

In England, "Puff" is an offensive term for homosexual.

 Ford Pinto
The Ford Motor Company introduced the subcompact Pinto in 1971.

The company couldn't understand why they weren't selling more cars in
Brazil, until they

Learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals."

 Braniff Airlines
In 1977 Braniff Airlines only meant to advertise the leather seats
they'd installed in First Class, their slogan, "Fly in leather"
translated for Spanish-speaking markets as, "Vuela en cuero," which
means "Fly naked."

Let's hope they at least bring a towel to sit on!

 Parker Pens

When Parker Pen's famous slogan "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you" was translated into Spanish, it confused many Mexican
consumers who read it as,
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

 Coca-Cola
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke- la,"
meaning"Bite the wax tadpole" or the equally hilarious, "female horse
stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect.

Coke then researched to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko- Le,"
translating into "happiness in the mouth."

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True Calls to the Emergency Services [911 in USA and 999 in UK]

Call one - Wrong gear?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Caller two - Wrong Child?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Caller three - Wrong state?
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Caller four - Wrong order?
It may have seemed like an emergency at the time, but an inebriated
man from Hebron, Connecticut, USA, is now regretting his call to 911.

The 35 year old man was arrested when Police reported that he called
911 numerous times and told the dispatcher he was out of beer and
asked them to pick up more for him.

He was arrested for disorderly conduct and will appear in court soon.

Caller five - Wrong number?
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Caller six - From 5 ridiculous people to 1 remarkable dog
When Leana Beasley of Richland, Washington, USA, fell out of her
wheelchair, her service dog, Faith, called 911 by pushing a speed-dial
button on Beasley's phone with her nose.

Beasley, 45, who suffers from grand mal seizures, had trained Faith,
with the help of the Assistance Dog Club of Puget Sound, to call for
help in the case of emergencies.

The 4-year-old Rottweiler barked into the receiver until the 911
dispatcher sent help. Then she opened the door when the paramedics
arrived.

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Expressions Explained

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.
One's image was either sculpted or painted.
Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk
with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both
arms.
Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to
be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression,
"Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
---
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year
(May and October)!
Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because
of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.
Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.
They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a
loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.
The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."
Today, we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig"
Because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
---
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was
used for dining.
The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone
else ate sitting on the floor.
Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit
in this chair during a meal.
To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.
They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."
Today, in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or
"Chairman of the Board."
---
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.
As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.
The women would spread bee's' wax over their facial skin to smooth out
their complexions.
When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another
woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile."
In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt...
Therefore, the expression "losing face."
~~~~~~~~~~

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.
A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.
---
Common entertainment included playing cards.
However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
applicable to the "Ace of Spades."
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to
be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
---
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
the people considered important.
Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent
their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.
They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's
conversations and political concerns.
Many assistants were dispatched at different times.
"You go sip here" and "You go sip there."
The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the
local opinion
And, thus we have the term "gossip."
---
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and
quart-sized containers.
A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.
She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in
"pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your
"P's and Q's."

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Italian humor with a purpose

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button
301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?

"Whaaaat, you two coming empty handed?"

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