Actual adverts placed by people in the newspapaers

has anyone lost a roll of $50 dollar notes with a rubber band around them?

I HAVE FOUND YOUR RUBBER BAND.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mother's helper­peasant working conditions.

Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore­unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.

Wanted­unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted­hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted­man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted­preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

Wanted­part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used cars­why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

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XXX - Adult Puns!

According to a new study, 20% of men do not know how to properly put
on a condom.
You know what they call these men?
Dad.

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain. Do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might
happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the
poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air,
filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
"Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman
next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight, and remember that
this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again." The husband
rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind,
he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and
says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants
sixty."
The wife 's face slowly turns red with anger,
"Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over
here, I only charged him fifty!"

Raggedy Anne was kicked out of the toy box because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face saying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.
A big bouncer says,
"Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!" The gay man
looks around and says,
"I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are."

The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem.
Every time I want sex, she says,
"Wait."

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody
stupid with it."
"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used
to get once a month."

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Red Skelton's Recipe

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will
enjoy this e-mail.   For those of you not old enough you will see what
you missed.   Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a
great entertainer.   A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who
was known for his clean humor.   I hope you get a chuckle or two
reading them once more.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

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THE BUTTOCKS...

          A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

          man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

          husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

          because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

          some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

          that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

          from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

          would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

         requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

         all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

         completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

         He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

         friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

         beauty!  One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

         overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

         I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

             How can I possibly repay you???'

                 'My darling,' she replied,

          'I get all the thanks I need.. every time I see your mother

               kiss you on the cheek !!!'......

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old Nun

Sent in by a good Catholic with a sense of humor.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of

the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their
ways.  She decided she would

take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.  She put her
sandwich in a brown bag and walked

over to the spot where the men were eating.  She walked up to the
group and with a big smile asked,

"Do you men know Jesus Christ?"  They shook their heads, shrugged and
looked at each other dumb founded.  One of the workers looked up into
the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"  One
of the steelworkers asked why.  The worker yelled, "His wife is here
with his lunch."

 

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if you need a laugh today

some old but still good..

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND
ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

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WE WILL NEVER SEE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN..

Harry Truman was a different kind of President.  He probably made as
many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as
any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of
his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which
was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from
her mother and father and other than their years in the White House,
they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army
pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that
he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him
an 'allowance' and,  later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per
year..

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home
to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined,
stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and
that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's
not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him
the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it,
writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be
the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on
the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress
also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the
fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.  (sic.
Illinois )

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in
life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a
politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!!

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XX - Kamasutra Explained

You have to hand it to the ancient indian Rishis for their deep
understanding of the essence of life

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamasutra" that ....Sex is….

"Duty", if done with your Wife

"Art", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Meditative Trance", if done by yourself

"Teamwork"

if done with a member of the same gender

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"Daddy's Poem..."

 Her hair was up in a pony tail,
 Her favourites dress tied with a bow.
 Today was Daddy's Day at school,
 And she couldn't wait to go.

 But her mommy tried to tell her,
 That she probably should stay home.
 Why the kids might not understand,
 If she went to school alone.

 But she was not afraid;
 She knew just what to say.
 What to tell her classmates
 Of why he wasn't there today.

 But still her mother worried,
 For her to face this day alone.
 And that was why once again,
 She tried to keep her daughter home.

 But the little girl went to school
 Eager to tell them all.
 About a dad she never sees
 A dad who never calls.
 There were daddies along the wall in back,
 For everyone to meet.
 Children squirming impatiently,
 Anxious in their seats

 One by one the teacher called
 A student from the class.
 To introduce their daddy,
 As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
 Every child turned to stare.
 Each of them was searching,
 A man who wasn't there.

 'Where's her daddy at?'
 She heard a boy call out.
 'She probably doesn't have one,'
 Another student dared to shout.

 And from somewhere near the back,
 She heard a daddy say,
 'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
 Too busy to waste his day.'

 The words did not offend her,
 As she smiled up at her Mom.
 And looked back at her teacher,
 Who told her to go on.
 And with hands behind her back,
 Slowly she began to speak.
 And out from the mouth of a child,
 Came words incredibly unique.

 'My Daddy couldn't be here,
 Because he lives so far away.
 But I know he wishes he could be,
 Since this is such a special day.

 And though you cannot meet him,
 I wanted you to know.
 All about my daddy,
 And how much he loves me so.

 He loved to tell me stories
 He taught me to ride my bike.
 He surprised me with pink roses,
 And taught me to fly a kite.

 We used to share fudge sundaes,
 And ice cream in a cone.
 And though you cannot see him.
 I'm not standing here alone.

 'Cause my daddy's al ways with me,
 Even though we are apart
 I know because he told me,
 He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
 And lay across her chest.
 Feeling her own heartbeat,
 Beneath her favourite dress.
 And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
 Her mother stood in tears.
 Proudly watching her daughter,
 Who was wise beyond her years.

 For she stood up for the love
 Of a man not in her life.
 Doing what was best for her,
 Doing what was right.

 And when she dropped her hand back down,
 Staring straight into the crowd.
 She finished with a voice so soft,
 But its message clear and loud.

 'I love my daddy very much,
 he's my shining star.
 And if he could, he'd be here,
 But heaven's just too far.

 You see he is a Canadian soldier
 And died just this past year
 When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
 And taught us all to fear.
 But sometimes when I close my eyes,
 it's like he never went away.'
 And then she closed her eyes,
 And saw him there that day.

 And to her mothers amazement,
 She witnessed with surprise.
 A room full of daddies and children,
 All starting to close their eyes.

 Who knows what they saw before them,
 Who knows what they felt inside.
 Perhaps for merely a second,
 They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
 To the silence she called out.
 And what happened next made believers,
 Of those once filled with doubt.

 Not one in that room could explain it,
 For each of their eyes had been closed.
 But there on the desk beside her,
 Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.

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Nice ones

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything !! "

****

What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

****

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,

so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

****

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "

His father replied :

" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,

because I still have mine. "

****
John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "

The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I'm facing the same problem
with his father !

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Wars, politics, sex all because of different perceptions

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled
over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had
an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my
wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut
the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out
to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We
had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there
was no electricity so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I
was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come
for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't
fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

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Mans world

Oldie but still great ...

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
Boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :

Dear Mrs Lewis,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Oxford is
Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our
Surveillance cameras:

1. June 15th:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2nd:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.

3. July 7th:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
Products aisle.

4. July 19th:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14th:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15th:  Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
Told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
Gas stove.

7. September 23rd: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,  he
Began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4th:  Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10th:  While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.

10. November 3rd:  Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November  6th:  In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
Using different size funnels.

12. November 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21st:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
The foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And last, but not least:

14. November 23rd:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
Then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

 

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Humour- classified ads

You may read this before... still good for a chuckle though!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K.  newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.

Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

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News from the Pharmacy...

These are the new wonder drugs that will soon be available:

Peptobimbo ...
Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. Causing
enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ...
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...
Potent antibiotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better
person ... Can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...
Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of
doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ...
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A new 'cure' for prostate problems???
WTF?

An oldie...
    A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

'So Doc , look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new.

So, how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big  bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running.

 It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug
Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result
when Viagra is taken along with Ex-Lax.

Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.

The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up both
coming and going at the same time.

It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other
drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if you're coming or
going.

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THE BLONDE

She was so Blonde

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says, "Sign here:" she
wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican
phone company……

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XX - Adult Puns!

Double x rated..

Uncle John, who was in his eighties, went to live in a nursing home
because of 'Alzheimers'.
I gave him a call to see if he was up for a visit.
He said,
"Sure come over about 2, and will you bring me a couple tubes of KY
jelly. Oops, I got to go, I have a date. See you then."
I arrived and was walking down the hallway when Uncle John came out of
a room with a lady on each arm.
He introduced me to the ladies, then he and I walked to his room.
I handed him the bag with the KY jelly, and I asked,
"What do you use it for?"
"Well, my boy," He said to me with a wink. "This place has more women
than I can shake my dick at."
I replied,
"Oh Wow, Uncle John, I didn't know you could still do it at your age."
He looked at me in a strange way and said,
"Do what?"

If Iran penetrated Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut
back on expenses quickly.
As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.
He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex
and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held.
Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on
him, he knew she was one of the chosen.
"Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior
to our session." replied the girl.
"You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always
prevails."

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered...
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

A Judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by
the Jewish faith.
The judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony, like a Bris?"
"Yes," she replies, "Very similar, only in this case you, get rid of
the entire shmuck!"
("Shmuck" in Yiddish is the equivalent of "Prick" in English)

Read More...

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Murphy's Rules of Sex

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

~ Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.

~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had
A man, the women he couldn't.

~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

~ Don't say no,
Say maybe,
Say any old thing say come back in the
Spring but don't say no.

~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

~ Beauty is skin deep ugly goes right to the bone.

~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation the other eight are
unimportant.

 

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XX - Adult Puns!

Remember these are XX ated.

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they
were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered.
"How about standing up?"
"Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in,
they'd think we were dancing."

A masochistic homosexual is a sucker for punishment.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse.
Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and
drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says,
"Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says,
"Screw that, I can do that myself!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

I knew my husband was messing around on me.
But I just never could catch him in the act.
But I still had suspicions.
One day, I cut my leg with the razor while I was shaving.
I looked in his shaving kit for that little styptic pencil to stop the bleeding.
I found K-Y Jelly!
I knew WE never used it.
"Ah Hah!" I said to myself.
"He's been messin' around on me on the side!"
Well, well, well! I decided to get a syringe and I filled it with Tabasco sauce.
Then, I injected it into the K-Y Jelly tube.
What a blistered dick he had! I can only hope!
I'm wondering if she got a little feel of it, too!!
Never sell yourself short.
Unless you're a midget hooker.

It seems that a group of men who were employed in the wine industry
preparing the corks for capping each bottle as it was filled were
having a national convention at a convention centre in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.
At the same time in the same centre a group of women who worked in the
garment industry making maternity clothes were also holding a
convention.
On the last night, the convention centre hosted a joint party with an open bar.
As expected, these men and women took full advantage of the free
drinks well into the night.
A wild free-for-all fight broke out, and the police had to be called
to restore order.
In his report, the police captain wrote that in his thirty years on
the force he had never before encountered a more rowdy gang of cork
soakers and mother frockers who insisted on fighting and brawling
until the police fired shots into the air.

A survey on the most alluring female thighs showed that:
18 percent liked slender thighs,
23 percent liked firmer larger thighs,
But most generally went for something in between.

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them
down BAM! BAM! BAM!
Then, he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but
is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the
problem?"
The guy answers,
"I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone.
I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour.
So, I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl
of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.
"So, you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says,
"It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."

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Catholic Definitions...

Choir:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water:

A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn:

A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that
of the congregation's range.

Incense:

Holy Smoke!

Jesuits:

An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with
good basketball teams.

Jonah:

The original "Jaws" story.

Justice:

When your children have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison:

The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi:

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession:

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar
servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics:

People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments:

The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.

Ushers:

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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XX - Adult Puns!

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go, since she was hard working,
knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office.
"But why?" he asked.
"Nothin', I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me why."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair,
"Look! I haven't had this before. It's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her youthful innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said,
"Ha ha... My dear... it's nature. Look! I have it too."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as w ell!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak their name,
and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says,
"My name is Gabe and I'm in for murder."
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting
his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says,
"My name is Rich and I'm in for armed robbery."
Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says,
"My name is Eli, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."
The group leader says,
"Now, come on Eli, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.
Tell us what you did." "Ok then," agrees Eli, "I'm in for fornicating
with dogs."
Everyone is disgusted.
One in the group shouts out,
"That's sick! How low can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", replies Eli .

How are an actor and a rabbi different?
You might want to take a look at the actor's collection of clippings.

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.
For twenty years he never sees another human being.
Then, one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes
half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams,
and eating fruits and berries.
She says,
"Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She shows him.
Then, she shows him again.
Then, she shows him one more time.
When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?" He says,
"It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.

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Brains of Britain

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:

Homosexuals..

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong..

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What
A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France.

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )

Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. ... ....

Richard:

He makes bread . . .

Contestant:

Er .. .......

Richard:

He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:

Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona.

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific..

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:

Japan.

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.

Caller:

Er ............ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant:

Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Er... ...... ...

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . ..

Contestant:

Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

Read More...

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X-Rated Bumper Stickers-X

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

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XX - Adult Puns!

As the subject lines says - ADULT

Best firewall Ever:
1. One human cell contains: 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains: half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains: 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains: 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to:
(37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second =
1,6875 Terabyte/sec
This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package,
thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!
The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour
today after 'beating' the world's #1 golfer.
The win came after the top golfer played the wrong hole.

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one,
"This is for the shame," and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one,
"This is for the shame" and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering, what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to
do about sex (one would have thought it's intuitive, but there you
have it).;
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to
undress and get on the bed and he would show them what to do.
The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury and preceded to get
on the bed.; Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps
involved in making love, in every possible position.;
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman said,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do... ; he is a little forgetful."

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the
newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business.
I think might I have: Attention Defecate Disorder.

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go
back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

The members of a certain Indian tribe had a custom.
If they weren't married, rather than defile the young tribes-women
sexually, they would go and satisfy their sexual needs by their own
hands, aiming their discharge at small, round hills.
These were known as semen knolls.

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XX - Adult Puns!

Seen on the back of a septic tank service truck:
"We'll take crap from anyone!"

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked
the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.
As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself,
"At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite. What a laugh!"
That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite
their suite.
All night long, all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room.
He couldn't believe his ears.
In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them,
but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at
his age.
"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my
clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her
clothes. Then..."
"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.
"Grinning, the elderly husband replied,
"Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."
"You make a BET?" exclaimed t he bellhop. "What bet?"
Smirking, the husband explained,
"If it falls to the right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins."
"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.
"Then, we both win!" replied the husband.

Confucius says,
"Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand."

New girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet paper.
It may be hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one
off anytime.

Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in
Virginia where I work. They accidentally walked up to the offices
where hunting licenses are sold.
"We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?"
The clerk replied,
"No, but I can give you a three-day permit."

Giving a blow job a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls.

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally
consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son
fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his
advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed,
"I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of
weakness I sinned twice!" John said,
"What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!"
Jill looked at John and said,
"Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

When John asked the call girl if she was free tonight, she replied,
"No. But I am reasonable."

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
"Hello" she says.
"Hello" says the male voice at the other end.
 "I'll bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt
and blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made
hot, sweaty love to you...."
The Jewish lady replies,
"From 'hello' you can tell all this?"

911 Call: Woman: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those
Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there." [giggle]
Dispatcher: "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?"
Woman: "No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do
those exercises I have an orgasm."
Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, did you say 'orgasm'?"
Woman" "Yes. Am I doing them right?"
Dispatcher: "Sounds like it to me!"
 

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My Name is Gossip

--Author Unknown

I have no respect for justice.
I aim without killing.
I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning and malicious, and gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.
I flourish at every level of society.
My victims are helpless.
They cannot protect themselves against me,
Because I have no face.
To track me down is impossible.
The harder you try, the more elusive I become.
I am nobody's friend.
Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.
I topple governments, wreck marriages and ruin careers. . .
Cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion.
I spawn suspicion and generate grief.
I make innocent people cry in their pillows.
Even my name hisses.
I make headlines and headaches.
Before you repeat a story,
Ask yourself ...
Is it true?
Is it fair?
Is it necessary?

If not . . .
SHUT UP!"

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XXXXX - Very Naughty Short Messages...

Vulgar language but humorous.

Not for Prudes

* If necessity is the mother of invention,
then… Frustration is the father of masturbation!

* What is the definition of a healthy virgin?
One who has never been Bed RIDDEN !

* Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.

* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

* Same Sex Marriage: What's the big deal in same sex marriages?
I've been married to the same woman for 25 years and had the same old
sex all that time.

* Tension: When wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When YOU are not responsible for both!

Read More...

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Husband V/S Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,With Idiot For Ever

************ *********

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

************ *********

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

************ *********

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.

************ *********

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it..
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

************ *********

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

************ *********

 Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

************ *********

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you..

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

Read More...

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XX - Adult Puns!

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in
the middle of the night.
05 percent said it was to get a glass of water,
12 percent said it was to go to the toilet,
83 percent said it was to go home.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been on her knees more times than
Billy Graham

A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She answered,
"Well, that depends on what's in it for me."
Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk, and a
TEXAS Aggie.
Each was allowed to take one item to help pass the time while incarcerated.
On the bus, the drunk guy turned to the mobster and said,
"So, what did you bring?"
The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he intended
to paint anything he could.
He wanted to become the DA Vinci of the prison system.
Then he asked the drunk,
"What did you bring?"
He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked,
"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile,
"I brought these."
Puzzled, the other two convicts asked,
"What can you do with THOSE?"
Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin,
"Well, according to the box , I can go horseback
-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.
"Christian or Muslim?" the sales assistant inquires.
The man asks : "What's the difference?"
The sales assistant says : "The Muslim one blows herself up."

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the
convent was a problem.
She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.
"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
in and wick out."

The square root of 69 is "ate something." (8.xxxxxxx....)

Wire Services Late Night Edition, San Francisco, California --
Police were called to the scene where Mr. Frank, an irrigation canal
repairman was found beaten to death in a back alley.
Sam had been dispatched to repair a leaking barrier which was supposed
to be keeping water out of a lower-than-sea-level apartment complex
near 3-Com Candlestick park. Eyewitnesses described how he had
unknowingly entered a women's gay bar and asked the patrons where he
might find the crack in the dike.
The 86 year old man was acquitted of rape because the evidence
wouldn't stand up in court.

Since Frat was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and relatives
were stunned when he got married, and even more when his wife became
pregnant.
One day, a group of them spotted Frat on the beach and they came right over.
"So, Frat, how'd it happen?" asked one of them, with a wink at the
woman's ballooning belly.
Frat blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing next to his wife.
"I have that marvelous young man to thank," he explained.
"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.
"Not entirely," replied Frat with a giggle and a grin. "He's our go-between."

There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put
my finger on it.

"Doctor!" cries the embarrassed bloke, "I have a bad sexual problem. I
can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"OK," says the doc, "bring her back with you tomorrow. Mr Thomas, and
let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fella returns with his wife.
"Take off your clothes please, Mrs Thomas," says the doc.
"Now turn all the way around.
"Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you can put your clothes back on."
The doc takes the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he says. "Your wife's so ugly she didn't
give me a fuckin' erection either.

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X - We live and learn

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most
deserted beach at St. Kilda, Victoria.

She looked up and noticed that
a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket
on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live in Brighton," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like
pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her
life..

When the cloud of fine sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name is Katz?"

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Judas Asparagus

Old one but I laughed again so thought u might....

 A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what
we are teaching???Edith

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eatin' .

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.

After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born
in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius
the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 

Read More...

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind ..

I  was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce
it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.
I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them  while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Holy Books a whole
lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Read More...

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XX- Adult Puns!

Faced with some of the world's strictest anti-drug laws, some addicts
in Malaysia are sniffing fresh cow dung to get high.
The cow dung emits gases like sulfur, and addicts sniff on these gases
to get high.
This gives new meaning to the comment,
"Wow man, this is some good shit."

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were
making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they
spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.
"Cletus, what should we do?"
The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.
Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground.
"Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with
little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"
Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.
The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake,
rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.
The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went
drooling to the tent. Cletus entered and said,
"Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say,
"Daddy?"

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
and puts him to sleep first.

There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Center and prizes are
being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce."
Huge applause.
Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a check
for $10,000."
Huge applause.
Frank goes up to collect his keys and check and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!"
Ghastly silence.
Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce,
3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a check for $10,000, so what the hell
do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
 "Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It's made by
the Rabbi's wife"
"Fxxk the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the first prize as well?" came the reply.

Did you hear about the new high school course?
Intercourse.
You go between periods and you are expected to come.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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XX -Adult Puns!

As it happened, their wedding night fell during a religious holiday,
and, devout Episcopalian that he was, Mr. Rogers simply couldn't make
love to his virginal bride.
"I'm sorry," he said as they snuggled in bed, "but I can't have you
tonight. It's Lent."
Her brow crinkling with concern, his new bride said,
"Okay... But to whom and for how long?"

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple
stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said,
"Enter Juliet from the rear."

After their recent wedding, Jennie and Brad got away for a few days on
a brief honeymoon.
While she was inspecting their honeymoon hotel room Jennie discovered
a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked Brad.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket," the
bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," Jennie giggled and said. "When you're a quarter in,
I start vibrating!"

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour,
The asshole is always in front of you!

A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his
girlfriend says,
"Sorry Jock, not without a condom."
Young Jock searched the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every
place was closed.
Walking around, he eventually met Old Angus, a very good friend of his father.
Young Jock explained his problem.
Old Angus said,
"Don't worry son, I can help you out."
Young Jock took off and the night was beyond his wildest expectations.
A week later, he met Old Angus in the street and told him about his experience.
"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."
"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus.
Young Jock looked at him and replied,
"I threw it away."
Old Angus, with a scowl on his face, said,
 "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie -- that condom belonged to the club!"

Girls say they like a sensitive man,
But then they complain about my premature ejaculation.

Driving down U S 85 in South Carolina, I was getting low on gas, so I
exited to fill up in a small town.
On the outskirts of town, there apparently was a revival meeting going
on in a huge tent pitched in a field.
A large sign was on the street corner proclaiming....
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100
yards, and come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one:
"IF NOT WEARY, CALL SHERRY 555-3550."

Hershey Bar:
Another name for a lesbian cocktail lounge

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his
other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on
to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet..
What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed
the eighty bucks and left!

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Salt & Pepper.

Oldie but still good

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.
A few years ago there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and
several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper
and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling and
using only the implements at hand?

Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a
brilliant solution involving a napkin a straw and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am" they said "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker
contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh" the waitress interrupted.
"Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Read More...

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XXX - Adult Puns!

Some are triple X - Caution.

Not for prudes

There once was a young man from Rhode Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style
"I'll get my workouts," he said.
While at home in my bed,
'Cos a Miss is as good as a mile."

Medical history was recently made at a famous children's hospital.
A baby boy was born with no eyelids,
So they fashioned replacements with his circumcised foreskin.
Everything seemed fine until they realized he turned out cock-eyed.

If it weren't for pickpockets,
I'd have no sex life at all.
The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new
billboard.
It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of
steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant.
A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a
bottle of A1. Originally they had titled the billboard,
"What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"
But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too
suggestive, they changed the headline.
Now it reads:
"He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

Sex is very much like drugs as the quality depends on the pusher.

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation,
"Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about
teenagers parking behind the church at night. I was out there this
morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said,
"Amen brother, and enough rubbers to put tires on it."

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned
to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
The wife replied,
"Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That's not true," she replied,
"The last time you woke me up twice!"

Did you hear about the new high school course?
Intercourse.
You go between periods and you are expected to come.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting
there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So
we're just waiting."

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says
"Th-that's... Um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh.. That.. that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

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Pope & Tiger Wood

Rather sacrilegious but still funny..

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to
Heaven.  The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk
in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an
error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it
can be rectified".

 Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

 On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and
they stop to have a chat.  "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the
Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

 Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

 Tiger: "Why is that?"

 Pope: "All my life I have
 wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

 Tiger: "You're a day late."

Read More...

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XX - Adult Puns!

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week"
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had
practically nothing on?
When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella.
"I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"

Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighbourhood.
'But he acts so stupid.' said Sheri.
'I think he must have his brains between his legs.'
'Yeah,' sighed Rosey, 'but I'd sure love to blow his mind.'

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The hot nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger.
After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away
the excess blood.
She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his
finger, and sucks it.
The guy is so heated up he asks;
"Do you think I could also get a urine test done?"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said,
"How can you tell them apart?"
He said,
"Her brother's got a moustache!"

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender,
"The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiles and asks,
"That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
"Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy, "They saved me a
fortune... Both of them are pregnant!"

The difference between a man and a vibrator is one is cold and
impersonal, and the other needs a battery.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."

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Conversation with God

man   :    Hello God ?
God   :    yes ?
man   :    Can I ask you something ?
God   :    sure …..
man   :    What's a million years to you ?
God   :    a second
man   :    and a million euros ?
God   :    a cent
man   :    God, could you spare me a cent?
God   :   just a second ….

 

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Computers....there is hope for me yet..

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you
skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly
all true!!!!

============ ========= ========= ===

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:   A white one...

 ============ ===

Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....

============ ===

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?

============ ===

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

============ ===

Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says he can't find it...

============ == =

Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

============ ===

Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

============ ===

Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

============ ===

Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== ============ =

Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.

============ ===

Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

============ ===

Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

============ ===

Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?

============ ===

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
 The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine.'

============ ===

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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XX - Adult Puns.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental.
So, although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson
to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them
that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please
make a little wiggle."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet. Jerry asks,
"What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask." "I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How's that possible?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

The gay burglar couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed.
When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on
the bottom level of the hay shed.
He decided he wouldn't disturb them,
So, he laid down and rested.
After a while he heard his son say,
"Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove."
So the father, being smart, replied,
"Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

"I broke my glasses when I was kissing my girl,"
"How could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs..."

The blonde was upset when she got her Driver's License because she got
an F in sex.

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had
rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them
before the Judge;
Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.
He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate,
"I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student
doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said,
"Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research by now.
My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250
fine."
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.
The woman began crying softly and said,
"Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said,
"Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of
bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac.
Thirty days and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply,
"I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
"How's business?"
She sneered and replied,
"Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives undercutting
me, I can't turn a single trick."

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Not another Irish joke ...

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid,
all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times."

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X - Adult Puns!

Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local bar.
Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business.
Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is
the most successful man in town.
After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says,
"I'm gonna go home to feed the beaver."
Farmer Dan asks,
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Farmer Bob replies,
"Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to use names of
chores on the farm for having sex."
A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down.
He's so distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar.
After sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home.
To his surprise, he finds a brand new tractor in front of his house.
He begins to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife.
Farmer Bob says to his wife,
"Honey, where did this great tractor come from?"
His wife replies,
"Well, farmer Dan gave it to me. All I had to do was handle his eggs,
and milk his udder!"

Hannibal Lector didn't eat people that work at Texaco because they give him gas.

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every
gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear.
When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic
medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and
tender.
The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and
applying it to the area.
It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie
still in considerable discomfort.
So he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community.
In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks.
The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.
"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed.
"What's the diagnosis?"
"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but
the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."

The movie star's fans were disappointed in his first nude movie
because he had a very small part.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the
firm's new secretaries.
"I just don't get it." said one.
"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the
floor he's getting off on."

Guys... Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
walked by it.
She finally entered the shop one day and said,
"Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?" "
Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.

Pete, a very proper man started going into the neighbourhood chemist
every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the pharamist, Jim felt he had to say something to Pete.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky!
How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
Pete looked at him in disgust and said,
"I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, Jim asked,
"Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
Pete answered,
"I feed them to my poodle. This way when she goes to the bathroom, she
shits in little plastic baggies."

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