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Friday, February 12, 2010

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

This is something we should all read at least once a week! Make sure
you read to the end.____________________

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of "The Plain Dealer", Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

It's estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who
will, forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

I did better - have it in the Blog.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

hilarious!

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank
God for church ladies with typewriters.

--------------------------
Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
--------------------------
Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
--------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

A Child's Fears... (Poem)

I think my dad is Dracula.
I know that sounds insane,
but listen for a moment and
allow me to explain.

We don't live in a castle,
and we never sleep in caves.

But, still, there's something weird
About the way my dad behaves.

I never see him go out
In the daytime when it's light.
He sleeps all day till evening,
Then he leaves the house at night.

He comes home in the morning
Saying, "Man, I'm really dead!"
He kisses us Goodnight,
And then by sunrise he's in bed.

My mom heard my suspicion
And she said, "You're not too swift.
Your father's not a vampire.
He just works the graveyard shift."

Cricket facts

A little known fact

The first testicular guard(ball guard) was used in cricket in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Italian secrets for a long Marriage

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well-a, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice-a, spend-a da money on her, but best-a of all-a is, I
took-a her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her. '

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

These are really good but ADULT humor. If you are an adult but think
like a child - dont..

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.
'Shhh!' said the bride. 'All the neighbours will know what we're about
to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask
each other in code. For example, how about asking,
"Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'
So, the following night, the husband asks,
'I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'
'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.
When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and
she nudged her husband and said,
'I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would
you like to do some washing?'
'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done
it by hand.'

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

"My but you look different today Sunshine." commented Renee to her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did
you use special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?"
"No !" replied Sunshine. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women.
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
walked by it.
She finally entered the shop one day and said,
"Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2,000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

The difference between a girlfriend and wife is 10 years and 45 lbs.
The difference between a boyfriend and husband is 45 minutes.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He says,
"Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
His father says,
"I'm filling your mother's tank."
Little Johnny says,
"Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning."

Air is a lot like sex because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time
a bus was passing by.
So, she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every
time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me"
and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds
the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

In case of fallout, put it back in and take shorter strokes!

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she
was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said,
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend."
The Doctor said,
"Nothing to worry about, your friend is in extremely good health,
except for her heart condition. How long has she been in the
business?"
The patient's friend replied
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for
16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to
start now!"

Monday, February 08, 2010

WILL LOVE THIS INTERVIEW

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood
mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he
expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to
test him, places a piece of wood in
front of him, and asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct, says the manager, now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers
the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.
He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.
"I'm confused, says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her arse in his face. The blind man says,
"Oh, you"re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of
wood that is. It's the shit-house door off a tuna boat!"

Children Writing About the Ocean...

The last one is hilarious

1) - This is a picture of an octopus.
It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.
If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
Cross the ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come.
My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean.
I like mermaids.
They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really?
(Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.
My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and
my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous.
Jellyfish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock.
They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.
(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water..
Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing.
She fell off when she was going very fast.
She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.
Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean.
He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
bursts into her Grandpa's room .....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

Sunday, February 07, 2010

S*X with an Older man

Not politically correct but a good one

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey,
Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You
are always working; at your age I think it's remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite proficient.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I don't believe
I've ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in
your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me up in
thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh
My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold
my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand
and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she
stole my wallet.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Three Nuns

First nun: Do you know what I found when I was putting order to the
Father's office the other day? A bunch of porn magazines!

The second and third nun gasp.

Third nun: So, what did you do?

First nun: I burned them of course!

Second nun: Well, you don't know the worst of it! I found a pack of
condoms when I was cleaning his room!

The first and third nun gasp.

First nun: And what did you do?!

Second nun: *grins* I *****ed holes on all of them, of course!

And the third nun faints.

Reverse Dynamics

The Theory of Reverse Dynamics

When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty, and

when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich ..

IDIOTS so far in 2009.

Number One Idiot, so far in 2009

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..

Number Two Idiot so far in 2009

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot so far in 2009

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ....
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!

Number Four Idiot so far in 2009

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later.

Number Five Idiot so far in 2009

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot so far in 2009

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA ...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne ...

JUST AN IDIOT :

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

Friday, February 05, 2010

XXX - Adult Puns!

Some are really crude...so if a prude...stay away...

Q: What type of music sounds like periods in a woman's life?
A: Rag Time

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
"Mum, where do babies come from?"
"Well dear, a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled.
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how
you get a baby."
"Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, dear."

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC.

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what
seemed likae years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup.
My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for
birth control.
I gave the only possible response I could:
"The Atlantic Ocean."

Most males in a men's room are stand-up guys.

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.
He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.
He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful
hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he
wants to make love to her right now.
The hooker says,
"Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."
Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker
that he will have the money in about an hour or so.
The hooker says,
"No money, no lovin'"
Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.
She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy
to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she
reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand
and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when
you have $$$.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from
his bank finally arrives.
He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".
He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but
alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts
rubbing his penis frantically.
At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked
at this sight.
Tom says to the maid,
"Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

For his 60th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to an elderly medicine man living on
a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have the absolute cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
certificate to the medicine man and wondered what type of hokey pokey
was in store.
The medicine man told him,
"When you take this, say 1-2-3 & you will be ready."
As the man walked away, miracle in hand, he asked,
"How do I stop this from working?"
"Your partner must say "1-2-3-4".
When she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon", he replied.
The man was very eager to see if the stuff worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, doused himself in cologne & took a spoonful of the
miracle medicine, then called his wife into the bedroom.
When his wife came in, he said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began ripping off her clothes, when she suddenly asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for ?"
Which is why it is improper to end a sentence with a preposition,
because you could find yourself with a dangling participle.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

The Potty.

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG.

SO, SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO
THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD
WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS:
"BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS:
"I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS:
"OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU
HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS:
"WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Password

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin

When asked why he had such a long password :

''Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Good advice

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start
gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle repeatedly for about ½ an
hour".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk I gargled repeatedly for ½ an hour with chamomile tea and
he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

Interesting information

Expressions Explained, Part I

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.

One's image was either sculpted or painted.

Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk
with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both
arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to
be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.

Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.

Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

---

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year
(May and October)!

Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because
of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.

Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.

They couldn't wash the wigs.

So, to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in
the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.

The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."

Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone
appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

---

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair.

Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining.

The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone
else ate sitting on the floor.

Occasionally, a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit
in this chair during a meal.

To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.

They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."

Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or
"Chairman of the Board."

---

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.

As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.

The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out
their complexions.

When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at
another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax."

Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile."

In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would
melt...therefore, the expression "losing face."

Expressions Explained, Part II

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.

A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.

---

Common entertainment included playing cards.

However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
applicable to the "Ace of Spades."

To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.

Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to
be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

---

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
the people considered important.

Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent
their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.

They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's
conversations and political concerns.

Many assistants were dispatched at different times.

You go sip here" and "You go sip there."

The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the
local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

---

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and
quart-sized containers.

A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.

She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in
"pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your
"P's and Q's."

XX - The day the Penis asked for a raise.

Crude but funny.

If you are a prude dont check this out.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not
stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Friday, January 29, 2010

XX- Adult Puns!

Some of these are REALLY crude.

So if you are a Prude go to the next post..

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Blondes usually turn on the lights after having sex by opening the car door.

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't
having any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks
Frank, the husband. "What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently. The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then
asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's
icky. So, I shoot it into the pillow."

"Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?"
"Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, 'So! Is this how it's
going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?'"
"Typical! What did you tell her?"
"I said, 'Gee, I hope so!'"

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and
a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man,
"My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning. Left
one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for
tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."
The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady,
"I don't believe it."
Young lady said,
"You can try it if you want."
Young man said,
"OK, come to my hotel room and prove it to me."
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room.
Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the
young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine tuning.
After a while nothing happen.
He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure.
Again, nothing happened.
The young man soon give up and ask the lady,
"Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and t reble/bass nipples
there are no response."
The sexy lady replied,
"You forgot to plug in your power."

Women are like roads.
Both have manholes.

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman,
I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."

Become an amateur gynaecologist.
Look up a friend today.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to
be when he grows older?"
The father replied,
"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her
husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should
become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer
list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation,
"Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the
missionary position."

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and hoot you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Once you have understood these rules - please complete the application form below -

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY___________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ___________________________

If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a bakkie? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________

______________________________________________________________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________________

G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Minister/Priest Government Representative

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

Dealing with threats

The English are feeling the pinch due to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are as usual preparing pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". There are three more escalation levels : "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

------------------------------

They omitted the Sri Lankan approach.

Being a mature and sophisticated people not easily aroused to violence, we have a gradual and well calibrated system. We start with 'umbata pissuda ?' and escalate from 'mala karadarayak' to 'ona magulak unave, mama yanava yanna' to 'gahuvoth gahanava', 'panata aadarenang navaththapang' and finally 'umbe ammata .....'
_________________________________________________________________________________

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written

An impressive new book. It's called .........

'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink

And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and

Your boss, the Pope only expects you

To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant

Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to

Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.

The seat folded up, the drink spilled and

That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes

Now, of course, there's

shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking

the trash out, gives the impression that

he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just

Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my

Mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all

I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may

The splinters never point the wrong way.

NOW GO HAVE A GOOOOD DAY.......

X - A collection of retirement jokes!

Retirement Sex!!!!

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

________________________________

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

________________________________

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for
'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
______________________________

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
________________________________
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

________________________________

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex...
He could also fly.'

________________________________

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Funny Oxymorons

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words have a
seemingly self-contradictory effect

1) Clearly misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty ugly
8) Seriously funny
9) Only choice
10) Original copies
11) Blonde Intelligence
12) Beaurocratic efficiencies

And the best of all is

13) Happily Married

Sunday, January 24, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and
told the others:
"I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".
The other two were amazed.
"Let me try", the Englishman said.
So, he put his organ in the water, waited and said:
"To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".
At last the Nigerian man said,
"Let me have a try".
So, he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said:
"I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him,
"A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick."
"Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.
He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how
desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried
to figure out what to do.
As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young
ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that
he now sported a raging hard on.
Finally, he struck up a course of action.
He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly,
"Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a
lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.
She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and
straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch
before it gets away!"

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing.
They were both stuck up bitches.

Two co-workers are leaving the office.
"I can't wait to get home," says one of them.
"As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even
married any longer." "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're
killing me."

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills.
I can't afford to get pregnant!"
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy,"
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

A young Aussie joins the navy.
On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware
of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know."
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port.
The father was on the dock waiting for his son.
The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand.
"Well on, how did it go?"
"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was
out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my
shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling,
"THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"

A man asked his wife during a recent love-making session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never at home!"

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied,
"I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple,
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied,
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

Thursday, January 21, 2010

XX - Adult Puns.

Some are real CRUDE

*One day Jimmy and his dad are out for a walk in the park.
Jimmy sees a dead bird with its legs up in the air and says,
"Daddy why is the birds legs sticking up in the air like that?"
Not knowing how to explain death he says to 4 year old Jimmy,
"Well, that is how we know the bird is ready go to heaven.
God is coming to take the bird away."
Little Jimmy says,
"So, then Mr. Reamer from next door is a hero then!?"
With a peculiar look on his face he asks,
"Mr. Reamer a hero? What do you mean, Jimmy!?"
Jimmy begins to explain,
"Last week when you were at work. I saw mommy and Mr. Reamer in the
bedroom. Mommy was on her back with her feet in the air screaming,
"Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming,' and Mr. Reamer was laying on top of
her holding her down screaming 'Not Yet, Not Yet!'"

Smart Ass:
Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavour it is.

Rodeo Sex is mounting your woman from behind, start going nice and
slowly, taking her hair and pulling her head back slightly, whispering
in her ear,
"Your sister was better than you," and then trying to hold on for 08 seconds!

95% of all people have haemorrhoids.
The other 05% are perfect ass holes!

A hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box
of condoms.
The druggist says,
"How old are you, son?"
The kid replies,
"Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says,
"Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid.
"What kind of condoms do you want?"
The kid tells him,
"Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says,
"Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

The movie "Constipated " never came out.

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother, "and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks;
They were really forrible huckers;
They had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly, there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage
with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight
otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the cloc k struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out
tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella
lived hers with a follen swanny.

Confucius say:
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse".

Words To Watch!

Oh Lord,

Please make my words
Sweet and tender,

For tomorrow...

I may have to eat them.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Speak when you are angry and you will
Make the best speech you will ever regret.

It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like
a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.

If you tell the truth
You don't have to remember anything.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

XX - Mommy Mommy Questions

This is a little crude - so if you are a prude do not look at it....

You need click on the image to enlarge...

Then use the back arrow to return to the site.

XX - Discrimination

This is a little crude - so if you are a prude do not look at it....

Monday, January 11, 2010

Wanna hear a funny joke?

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she
was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years
old, has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?

Peltry/Zovitzki Syndrome

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and
walking slowly.

One student said to her friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell
us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two
fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I
was wrong, too!"

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Actual school papers from America

A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female
moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his sons head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
'hurrah.'

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and
no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states
formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A
horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very
large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from
this.

18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men.

19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Retirement At 61

Upon reaching 61, Bob decided to retire. Now after having him under
foot for a few months, his wife became very 'agitated' with him. She
suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club
or get a hobby. Bob obliged.. and went out for a couple of hours..

When he got home, his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I
just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And Oh Yeah, I
joined a parachute club.

"What?

Are you nuts?

You're 61 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes???"

"Yeah, look.. I even got a Membership Card."

"You crazy old bugger.. where's your glasses???

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?

I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Questions are easy but so are the answers

BRAINS OF BRITAIN.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No.
They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues:
What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm.
Stewart White:

Correct.
And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:

Correct - and
What was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:

Well, there we are then.
So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country.
Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry.
Let's try another question.
In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one.
Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know.
I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue.
It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ....
Richard:
He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:

I did say which European country.
So, in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ............ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line.
Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no.
The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way.
Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day..
Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

5 NICE LITTLE STORIES

1. Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer
all the People gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella...

THAT'S FAITH

2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you
will catch her...

THAT'S TRUST

3.Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the
next Morning but still we set the alarms in our watch to wake up...

THAT'S HOPE

4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the
future or having any certainty of uncertainties...
THAT'S CONFIDENCE

5. We see the world suffering. We know there is every possibility of
same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married??...
THAT'S OVER CONFIDENCE!!

Monday, January 04, 2010

X - 2010 Tax Code

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rafil Hamid <rafil1604@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 4, 2010 at 2:04 AM
Subject: LANKAN Government's LATEST TAX CODE - 2010......... please
pay attention !!!!
To:

The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.

On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER: effective January 1st, 2010, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:
The brackets are as follows:

5 - 10 cm. Nuisance Tax 20.00

10 - 20 cm. Privilege Tax 100.00

20 - 25 cm Pole Tax 200.00

25 - 30 cm Luxury Tax 300.00

Males exceeding 30 cm must file capital gains.

Those under 10 cm are eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION...

Profound Statements

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read
the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
handle .

-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting
on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at GeorgetownUniversity

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors
to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if
it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature
is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

Chutzpah....!!!

Chutzpah (pronounced hootz-paah) is a Yiddish word meaning gall,
brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and,
as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, in no other language, can do it
justice. This example is better than 1,000 words...

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents
each... Every day a young man would leave his office building at
lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a
quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
Without blinking an eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The smart Irishman

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman:

"Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin' boat."

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Annual Christmas Party

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------From
- Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table..

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have
a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Bottle Of Wine - (a good reason why women drivers should always carry one in the car?}

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is
yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in
peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She
hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever and sometimes evil. Don't mess with them.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Love Making for Seniors

1.. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too...

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . .. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

Mixed emotions explained.

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap.. I bet you
can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same
time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis… "

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