How to negotiate a pay raise the Mexican way

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did
'Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well? '
'Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

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I'll Show Them!!!

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts
and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much
money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make
$400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '

From across the room came a voice, * '* *He's the take-away Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's.'*

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History: 101. Humour.

For those that don't know about history ...

Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet.

So, while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include:

The domestication of cats,

The invention of group therapy,

Group hugs,

And

The concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note:

Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men .

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to
make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud.

They eat red meat and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, chiropractors, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military,
airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.

They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives
were coming to America .

They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative, on the other hand, will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals
just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self.

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POEMS FOUND IN TOILETS.

Excellent poems by not so famous poets...
Found on toilet doors and walls...

A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapour,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But, only farted.

Someone who had a different experience wrote:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But, I come
Here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls....

Toilet's walls also double as job advertisement space... (written high
upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,
The Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

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Some 13 Points to Ponder.

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach,
You're aiming too high.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
You've got sick of him.
3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.
4. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ---
They try harder.
6. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't and 'stop' (but not used together).
7. Definition of a man with manners ---
He gets out of the bath to pee.
8. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
You will usually find that he is.
9. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of
five men ---
A woman.
10. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ---
Strong, Caring, Loving.
They'd be wrong but you could still use them.
11. Men are like animals ---
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets!
12. Men's brains are like the prison system ---
Not enough cells per man.
13. Husbands are like children ---
They're fine if they're someone else's.

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Farts!!!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at
least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

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Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here.."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the
'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

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Some men never listen....

Oldie but still good

In a Chicago hospital a gentleman made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom but it was continuously occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament and said, "Sir,you may use the
ladies' rest room but please make sure you don't touch any of the
buttons on the wall inside the toilet."

So he did what he needed to do and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by a letters. WW, WA, PP and a red one marked ATR.

Who would know if he touched the buttons? He couldn't resist.
So he pressed the WW. Warm water was gently sprayed upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling he thought, men's rest rooms don't have such nice
things !
Anticipating more pleasure , he pressed the WA button next. Warm air
replaced the warm water gently drying his underside.
He next went on to press PP. That was heaven indeed ! A large powder
puff caressed his bottom adding a scent of spring flowers to his
unbelievable pleasure.
This rest room is something out of this world he thought and couldn't
wait to press the ATR button. He was certain that it would bring
supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew was when he opened his eyes, he was on a hospital
bed, the same nurse staring down at him.
" What happened ?" he asked. The nurse replied, " The button marked
ATR is an automatic tampon remover"

" Your dangler is under the pillow."

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Giggles on Valentine's Day.

Perfectly Paired Puns.
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for
my husband.
When I discovered that his favourite red-plaid pants had a broken
zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine."
I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them.
On the package, I put a huge red heart on which I printed:
"My Heart Pants for You."
I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to
our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box.
On it he had written:
"Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman.

A Little Nuts About Love.
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand
that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was
painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared:
"Local Honey Dates Nuts"
-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna.

Check Out a Romance.
I met my husband while I was working in a science library.
He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually
decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and
started rummaging through my desk.
I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.
Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify
reference books.
"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will
have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in
capital letters, it read:
"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow.

Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year.
I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we
met over the Internet.
He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naively replied,
"I just used a regular 56K modem."
-- Contributed by Anne McConnell.

Pastoral Passion.
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers
selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives.
A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.
My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding
a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier
choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
"Would you have anything in black flannel?" he asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo.

9 to 5 Love.
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the
first few months of the year.
In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers
for Valentine's Day.
While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he
obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him.
His note read:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I weren't thinking of you,
I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf.

Mower Than a Greeting Card.
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse.
Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on
Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered
she was expecting one.
Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary.
Then, he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the
office -- and got an idea.
Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers,
next to which he wrote:
"I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
Mark's wife loved it.
The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde.

Irresistible Irony
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it
was time to start dating again.
Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my
local newspaper.
I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates.
A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and
discovered a message from my ex-husband.
"I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there
I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper.
Don't bother calling the guy in the second column.
I can tell you right now it won't work out.
That guy is me."
-- Contributed by Pat Patel.

Making the Grade.
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but
hard, grader.
One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.
In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine
season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with
the pre-printed inscription:
"BE MINE."
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.
It read:
"Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox.

Read All About It.
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages.
Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner
at a fancy restaurant.
When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to
see if he had written a note to her.
Near the bottom of one page she found:
"Bonnie -- What are you looking here for?
Aren't dinner and flowers enough?
Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell.

Devoted and Determined.
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding.
Suddenly, my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts,
received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled.
Being a young man in love, he went AWOL.
He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally
planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant.
After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied,
"Okay, okay!"
Then, as an afterthought:
"But, don't let it happen again!"
-- Contributed by Sandra L. Caron.

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Why God made Moms....

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mom s have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of th at.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

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What causes goose bumps? and other trivia

1. What causes goose bumps?
Goose bumps (scientific name: piloerection) pop up when you're cold or
afraid. A tiny muscle at the base of each body hair contracts;
together, they appear as naked bumps on the flesh. They made sense
eons ago, when humans still had a natural "fur coat." Back then,
fluffing your ruff would warm the body by trapping an insulating layer
of air between the hairs. And standing your hair on end was
intimidating to predators or enemies (picture a cat facing off with a
dog). Evolution has since stripped humans of their pelts. Now goose
bumps are, of course, no medical issue. If you're uncomfortable
showing off your vestigial physiognomy, dress warmly, place yourself
in calm environments, and avoid horror flicks.
2. Why does chopping onions make you tear up?
When you cut into an onion, you rupture its cells, releasing enzymes
that produce a gas called propanethial sulfoxide. Once that gas
reaches your eyes, it reacts with tears to produce a mild sulfuric
acid. And that hurts. The brain then signals the eyes' tear glands to
produce more liquid to flush the stuff out. The more you chop, the
more irritating gas you produce and the more tears you shed. "The
onion's chemical reaction is a defense mechanism that evolved to repel
pests," explains University of Wisconsin-Madison horticultural
professor Irwin Goldman, Ph.D. Keep the stinging and crying to a
minimum by chilling an onion in the freezer before cutting it; cold
temperatures slow release of the enzymes. The highest concentration of
enzymes is at the bottom of the onion, so cut it last to postpone the
weeping (and the irritation) for as long as possible.
3. Why do your joints crack?
The most common type of joint in the human body is the diarthrodial
joint—knuckles and shoulders are examples—in which two bones come
together in a capsule. Inside that joint capsule is a lubricant called
synovial fluid, which contains dissolved gases. When you stretch the
joint, you're actually compressing it and the fluid within, forcing
those nitrogen-rich gases to escape the synovial solution. The release
of "air" within the joint capsule is what you hear as a "pop." Once
the gas is released, the joint is a bit more flexible (enabling you to
go a little further in a yoga pose, for example). But you've probably
noticed that you can't immediately crack the same joint again. That's
because the gases released in a pop must first reabsorb into the
fluid, a process that takes 15 to 30 minutes. If you habitually crack
your knuckles to relieve tension, try concentrating on your breath for
30 seconds instead. Knuckle cracking doesn't lead to arthritis, but it
can lead to decreased grip strength.
5. What makes your eyelid twitch?
This annoyingly common condition is known as eyelid myokymia. Not a
lot is known about eye twitches, which are more likely to occur in the
lower eyelid than in the upper, though they're probably caused by the
misfiring of a nerve. But experts know that fatigue, stress, and
caffeine all increase the likelihood of the pesky twitching. So do
eyestrain, poor nutrition, excessive alcohol intake, and allergies.
Fortunately, eye twitching is almost always benign and usually goes
away by itself. To put an end to a bout of the eye flutters, cut down
on coffee and alcohol and give your eyes—and your whole body—a good
night's rest.
7. Is it true that your ears grow throughout life?
Yes, the outer ears do. Starting at birth, the ears are,
proportionally, the body's largest feature, with a Spock-like
prominence. They grow rapidly until about age 10, then slow to the
languid pace of about 0.22 millimeter per year, according to a study
by Britain's Royal College of General Practitioners. Other studies
show that the earlobe itself also lengthens throughout life (men have
longer lobes than women). However, the size of the ear canal, which is
formed by bone and cartilage, does not increase into old age.
8. Is it true that all babies are born without a single freckle?
Babies, of course, can be born with birthmarks and "beauty marks," but
it's true that upon entering the world they have no freckles, which
the skin produces (using excess pigment) in response to sun exposure.
As babies get out in the sun, those with fair complexions and light
eyes will be especially prone to developing freckles (and will have a
higher likelihood of skin cancer and melanoma later in life). "Those
freckles on the redheaded kid's cheeks aren't cute—they're sun
damage," says Robin Ashinoff, M.D., director of dermatologic surgery
at Hackensack University Medical Center. "And freckles probably also
indicate damage to the DNA in your skin cells." Children and adults
alike should have their freckles monitored regularly by a
dermatologist and vigilantly use sunscreen of SPF 30 or higher.
9. What causes the feeling of "pins and needles"?
Called paresthesia, pins and needles are caused by blocked blood flow
to a pressed nerve. If you sit too long in an awkward position—or even
just with your legs crossed—you may press hard enough on a nerve to
interrupt its signaling to the brain, causing your feet, for example,
to "fall asleep," or go numb. This is not the same as a pinched nerve,
a longer-lasting condition that occurs when a part of the body,
swollen because of injury or misalignment, applies steady pressure on
a nerve. Paresthesia is usually felt in the extremities—hands, feet,
and ankles. That crazy-making prickly sensation is the resumption of
pain messages to the brain. Simply changing your position is almost
always enough to allow the nerve to resume communication. But prickly
feelings more rarely can be symptoms of diseases as diverse and
serious as diabetes, lupus, and MS. If your pins and needles don't
resolve quickly with a change of body position, see a doctor.
10. Why are there rings or halos around lights when you drive at night?
This phenomenon falls under the category of "spherical
aberration"—just one of several examples of how the human eye is
optically imperfect. In daylight, the pupil narrows to a very small
opening, allowing light to hit the very center of the lens. At night,
when the pupil dilates dramatically to allow maximum light to enter,
your eye is using a much larger swath of its lens to see. "The farther
out on the lens you go, the less perfect the optics are," says
Duffner. "And as you get off center, those light rays won't be focused
to the center of the eye." You see circles, well, because your lens is
round. Almost everyone sees these rings, and if you've always seen
them, you're probably just fine, he says. But halos can also be caused
by opacities in the lens—a sign of cataracts. So if seeing halos is
new to you, see a doctor for a cataract exam.
11. Can "cankles" actually be good for you?
Maybe. Scientists haven't studied the significance of ankle shape, but
other research on fat distribution may point to an answer. Ankles that
have lost a bit of definition over the years and appear to merge with
the calf (hence the hybrid word) might actually improve your health
profile, as long as you're not seriously overweight. Fat stored in the
intra-abdominal region—in and around the organs—correlates highly with
metabolic disorders, such as type 2 diabetes; fat in the legs is least
linked with these maladies. Wendy Kohrt, Ph.D., professor of medicine
at the University of Colorado Denver, found that postmenopausal women
who had a relatively high level of leg fat (as opposed to abdominal
fat) had lower risks of heart disease, hypertension, and type 2
diabetes. Leg fat, she explains, may protect postmenopausal women by
drawing triglycerides out of the bloodstream, where they constitute a
risk factor, and into fat deposits in the legs and, possibly, cankles.
Her findings suggest that removing lower-body fat cells—by
liposuction, say—may not be a good idea: Women who do may begin to add
weight to fat cells in the more dangerous midriff zone, she suspects.
12. How could chewing sugarless gum and eating cheese prevent cavities?
Every time you eat, bacteria in your mouth react chemically with the
food and introduce an organic acid that can cause tooth decay. By
dislodging food, rinsing teeth, and diluting acid, saliva counters
this process. The key is to keep it flowing, which is where chewing
gum—or at least chewing—comes in. "We showed that the simple
mechanical act of chewing stimulates salivary flow," says James Wefel,
Ph.D., director of the Dows Institute for Dental Research in Iowa
City. As for cheese, its fats may act as a protective barrier for the
teeth; it also contains calcium and phosphate, which may discourage
decay and strengthen teeth. What this all means to you: Limit
between-meal nibbles, thereby reducing the number of acid exposures.
Chew sugarless gum after meals. Or do like the French and finish your
meal with a few pieces of cheese.
13. Why does your side hurt sometimes when you laugh really hard?
Two classic causes of a "side stitch" are running and prolonged
laughter. Those activities have at least one thing in common: exertion
of the diaphragm. "When you laugh really hard, you're sucking in a lot
of air, which fills the lungs and pushes down on the diaphragm while
the abdominal muscles are also contracting and pushing up on the
diaphragm," explains Robert Gotlin, D.O., a sports physician at Beth
Israel Medical Center and former director of orthopedic rehab with the
New York Knicks. All of which, of course, happens scores of times each
minute when you're howling. The repeated compression can produce a
muscle spasm that we all know as a stitch. "Sometimes when you laugh a
lot, you get a pain in your right arm as well as the side stitch.
That's because the nerve that supplies the diaphragm also goes to the
right shoulder," he says. So, in addition to busting your gut, a
hearty laugh can mistakenly make you think you're having a heart
attack. Try breaking the rapid cycle of diaphragm punishment that we
call laughter by slow, deep breathing between fits of hysteria. And
avoid eating big meals, which draw blood to the stomach, before
settling in for an evening of "30 Rock" reruns.

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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord
said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should 'offend' just about everybody.

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Cute Story...

Someone recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard, and then was
afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if
he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he
could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress from the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would
be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But, as he moved the car a little farther forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the
air, out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.

He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a
little kitten.

No, nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and
went on about his business.

A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members.

He happened to look into her shopping cart, and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater, and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her
little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days earlier, the child had begged again, so the mom
finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let
you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes! A kitten suddenly came
flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right
in front of her!"

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True or False?

Can you guess which of the following are true, and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors
a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart!

6. Only 07 percent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5
years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a
tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 07th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, think about your answers,
And
Re-read them,
Then, scroll down to the bottom for the answers......

No peeking early!!!

They are all true....

Now go back and think about No. 16...ick!!!

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Children's Science Exam.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain;
The borax contains the heart and lungs,
And the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
(I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Be Specific

The Ostrich story...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

MORAL OF THE STORY
When you make requests, be specific. precision is of utmost importance.

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Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

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Irony In Middleast !!!

What happens when a fly falls into a cup of coffee? HOW THE WORLD REACTS!!

 

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

 

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

 

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

 

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.



The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

 

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, drinks tea and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

 
The Palestinian leader- blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinians.

 

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Pay your bills

The Itch:

 

 Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

 

 Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He 

 knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to 

 touch them, but he had to try.. One day Nick revealed his secret

 desire  to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the Kings chief

 doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for

 Nick to  more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to  arrange it.

 

 Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

 

 The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and  poured a

 little bit into the Queens bra while she bathed. Soon after she 

 dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned

 to  the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the

 King  and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,

 would  cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the

 saliva of  Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

 The  King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

 chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching

 powder, which he  put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,

 Nick worked  passionately on the Queens large and magnificent breasts.

 The Queens  itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied

 and hailed as a  hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found

 Horatio demanding his  payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession

 now satisfied, Nick  couldn't have cared less and, knowing that

 Horatio could never report  this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

 

 The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching 

 powder into the Kings underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

 

 The moral of this story............

 

 Pay your  bills

 

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x - Bobby with two arseholes

 

Bobby died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bobby'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bobby'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bobby had two assholes.      'He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,

'There's Bobby with them two assholes..'

 

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Talk show jokes

Talk show jokes are....hilarious - contemporary, original and
informative - what do you say to these?

President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not
going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still
plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall
short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is
sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which
President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down half
the industries and banks" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are
released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home
countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that
he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost
writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a
horror story. He'll need a ghost writer." --Jay Leno

"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people
were throwing shoes at Al Gore." --David Letterman

"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only
afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno

It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is
an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic
skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox
News." --David Letterman

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President
Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good
reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an
expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit
the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people
can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly,
people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers
threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno

"Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on
January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will
feel." --David Letterman

President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told
Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack.
Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan
O'Brien

President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from
Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the
inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a
very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is
plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at
least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last
hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way
back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost
money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his
money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to
collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air
time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the
White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his
accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14
minutes." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into
the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack
Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno

George W Bush admitted in his farewell speech that a couple of things
didn't go according to plan. Yeah, his first term and his second
term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they
moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard
dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all
those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

There was a huge inauguration lunch with all the past presidents.
There was a fight over who would pay the bill, but eventually they
agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth
Meyers

I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the
waitress." --David Letterman

At the luncheon, president-elect Obama was kind of awkward, because
he didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as
president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in
common." --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry
is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry.
Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

And you know, I think Bush is struggling to come up with some
accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like
today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay
Leno

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select
Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor
must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these
years." --Conan O'Brien

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like presidential
limousine is also shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president,
but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a
good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay
Leno

Many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the
ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be
thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless
John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a
series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after
President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the
absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."
--Conan O'Brien

Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a
hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money."

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An elderly Scotsman lay

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

'Bugger off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

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Chuckle for the day

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod.

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ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes
off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND
SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS.

And lets not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another
story............

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THE JOB - URINE TEST

(Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine
test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is
the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine
test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because
I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no
problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other
hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their Ass doing
20 drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state
would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public
assistance check?

Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you
all will pass it along, though. . Something has to change in this
country -- and soon!!!!!!!

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

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XX - the why's of men

1. WHY DO MEN USUALLY BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
One for the ladies.......

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------------------------------------ -----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: Either gay or a rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.
AMEN

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

--- --------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

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Twenty Dollars!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
down sizing and he had
been let go.

It was unlikely that at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally.. he
found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

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XX - The Straggly Old Cat

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her,
put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to
call her, so we
named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O',
and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the
same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my
husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved,
so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even ! ! ! ..

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A FEW words of wisdom...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead;
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either;
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. Before you criticize someone,

You should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them

You're a mile away and you have their shoes.

3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him to fish, and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

4. If at first you don't succeed,

Skydiving is not for you.

5. Some days you are the bug;

Some days you are the windshield.

6. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tyre.

7. It's always darkest before dawn.

So, if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,

that's the time to do it.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,

Try missing a couple of child support payments

9. We are born naked, wet, hungry; we get slapped on our butts.

Then, things get worse.

10. There are two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one works.

11. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. Sex is like air.

It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

14. No one is listening until you fart.

15. Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else.

16. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

18. Never, under any circumstances,

Take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

THESE ARE THINGS WE LEARN WITH AGE...

SO, PASS THE WISDOM ON OR JUST LET THE YOUNG ONES LEARN THE HARD WAY...

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Chinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese
detective...the cheapest one he could find.
This is his report...

Most honourable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He
kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee

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obama

Only
Black
African 2
Manage
America

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A Few Interesting Sex Facts From Around The World]

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely person is reading e-mails.

You hang in there sunshine!

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Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man
walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want
to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much
to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled
off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing
here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to
the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

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Psychiatry

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children ...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother,
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother.
"Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up,takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

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Senior age disorder

BE CAREFUL, THIS FOR YOU ALL ONLY!!!

Friends,

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the

bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd

been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the

kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all

damn day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet,

Your day is coming!!

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X- Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan....................... Searching for the pussy

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic.......................... A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate......................... To live long

Enema.......................... Not a friend

Fester......................... Quicker than someone
else

Fibula......................... A small lie

Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid......................... A higher offer

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................. A letter carrier

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet......................... A small table

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport

Tumour..........................One plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

2 Condoms..................To be sure, to be sure!

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X - Tuesday Evening Jokes.

Body Found!!!

Today, the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term
woodpeckers like to use).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a
sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican
tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your
fourth-storey window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honour.
Judge: That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have
been for anyone passing at the time?

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come
to the corral, he explained,
"That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
"That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said,
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,
"Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,
"If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says,
"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies,
"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says
"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have................. Only fifty cents!"

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried
everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part
of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to
talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

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..... And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds!'

I bought her a scale

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive so, I took her to a gas station

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt' So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair She said, 'that
silver hair on your chest is proof of enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants You
might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes', I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please"

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself"

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly

I really need you to pay me a compliment'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $1495

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $795

I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the man 'Holy crap that must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go A few minutes later
he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? "It warmed my heart to see her face melt
in sweet appreciation "Somewhere I haven't been
in a long time!" She said So I suggested, "How
about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire?", while we were in bed I turned to her
and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered I then said, "Is that
your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes" So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend"

And that's when the fight started

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XX - CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

This is a little risque...

If you are a prude ...please abstain from reading...

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million people are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!

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XX - Nun the wiser

If you can get this you are not a prude

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome ..
One leans over to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones"

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Pick up line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I
screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
Been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a
lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

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The Bear and The Racoon

A bear and a raccoon were walking through the woods one day. They came
across a genie that was lost in the woods. The genie was so happy with
the directions that the animals gave him that he said to them, "I will
give you both three wishes each." He turned to the bear first.
The bear (who was really into sex), said, "Ok, ok...I want...All the
bears in this forest to be female, except me!" Poof! It was done.

The genie turned to the racoon. The racoon thought for a minute, and
said, "I want a...MOTORCYCLE!"
The bear thought he was crazy, but the genie granted his wish.
Turning back to the bear, he goes, "I wish...the bears in the next
forest over were female, too!" POOF! It was done.
The racoon thinks for a minute, and says, "I want a motor cycle HELMET!"
The bear say, "You idiot! You could ask for all the money in the world
and BUY those things! You're wasting your wishes on JUNK!"
The racoon just shrugged, and POOF!-it was done.
The bear's final wish was, after very little thinking, "I wish all the
bears in the whole world (except for me) were female!"
Poof, it was done.
The bear and the Genie look at the racoon expectantly. The racoon got
on his motor cycle, strapped on the helmet, and turns it on. He reved
the engine and said, "I wish the bear was GAY!" and roars away .

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It doesn't hurt To have a little Biblical humour to start the YEAR...

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah.

He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter.

She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson.

He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses.

He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan .

The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David,

He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep...

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua,

Son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

( Groan...)

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible.

It says . . 'He-brews'

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