Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with Banks at the moment,
I was wondering, if you could please advise me…
If one of my cheque's is returned marked "insufficient funds,"
How do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
Thank You.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest
is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver
than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .. .
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
You guys are still looking at your thumb, aren't you?
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
2, Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
10. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.
15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of
Lehman brothers… His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as
losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
· The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left
side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.
· There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are
all sub-prime.
· How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
· Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
· For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
· A trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth
and I still have a wife."
· If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in
derivatives, God bless you.
· What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in
Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.
· What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
· Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had
enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I
checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, I'd have enough
money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
· Personal Favorite by Bush – When asked about if he knew about the
Credit Crunch, prompt came the reply – Oh! That's my favorite candy
bar!
· On the Jay Leno show – America has made a new weapon of mass
destruction that destroys people without damaging the buildings, it's
called the Stock Market !!
Today's Economics
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you
would have received $214!
Based on the above, the best current investment play is to drink
heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American male walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year. This means that, on average, Americans get
about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be an
American!
This is what happens with written communication...!!!
These four classified ads appeared in a local newspaper on four
consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the
first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707
after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday.. It should have read,
"One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs
Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows:
"For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it!
Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my
housekeeper.. but she quit.
"This is worse than a divorce…..I have lost half my
net worth and I still have my wife."
Anonymous Banker, London , 10/10/2008
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Teacher : Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No mam I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher : Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Question: What is the full form of math's.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
~ Women think all beer is the same.
~ Women brush their hair before bed.
~ Women are paid less than men, except for one field:
Modelling.
~ Women never have anything to wear.
Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet;
You 'just don't understand'.
~ Women need to cry.
And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
~ Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an
effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
~ Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
~ Women always go to public restrooms in groups.
It gives them a chance to gossip.
~ Women do not know anything about cars.
'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
~ Women love to talk.
Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they
have nothing to say.
~ Women hate bugs.
Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or
a wasp involved.
~ Women can't keep secrets.
They eat away at them from the inside.
And they don't view it as being untrustworthy,
Providing they only tell two or three people.
~ Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.
~ Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is
Irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair
game.
~ Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
~ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
~ Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red
carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
~ The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
~ Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
~ Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing.
It might be the lottery calling.
~ If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of
clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven
day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll
feel like wearing each day.
~ Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners
in the shower.
After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
~ Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility,
iIt's there in the Bible'.
Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St.
Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would
operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the
evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor
was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the
other phone rang.
His wife answered and whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back,
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
1. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981.
2. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
3. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
4. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that
Won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for
Prentice Hall, 1957
5. "But what ... Is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
6. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977.
7. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no
value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
8. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David
Sarnoff's associates
In response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
Spell to Get Measles.
1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them.
Spell to Turn Day Into Night.
1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2) Close eyes tightly.
3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.
Spell to Breathe Under-Water.
1) Attach concrete block to your feet.
2) Jump into water.
3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".
4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.
Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants.
1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2) Drink.
3) Repeat steps 1-3.
Spell to Attract Lightning.
1) Cover yourself in metal: jewellery, chains, golf
Clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc.
2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
3) Wait.
Spell to Stop a Runny Nose.
1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.
Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You.
1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (I.e.-roses without petals, a nice
headless Barbie doll...).
4. Follow them everywhere they go... Careful, they'll try to lose you!
5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order,
That means the spell is working!
Spell to Make Your Computer Fast.
1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window.
(If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)
Spell to Save on Gas.
1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"
Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!
A Spell to Go to the Bathroom.
1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2) Drink another glass anyway.
3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.
4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell's' effect.
Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom.
1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!
WARNING:
Spells are not guaranteed.
Use at your own risk.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty
and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different
colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Vincent Van Gogh.
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh.
The constipated uncle...............................Cant Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh.
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh.
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh.
And
His niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh.
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf.
You know, golf...that's the game where you chase a little ball all
over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you
want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure"
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands..."
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and
said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four
years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to
the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I
know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Uh, huh...
From: Nandana Benthara
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2008 12:06 PM
Subject: American water supply to Holiday home
Dear Cahandana Premala
This is informing to you that, requested water bottles still not
delivered to Bandrawela holiday home. As per the Bungalow care takers
report, today onwards Pipe water will serve to dinning table &
drinking purposes.
Care taker spoke to several times to vender for getting that service
fast. Still not take any action from last 2 weeks.
Same time we inform to you also getting success our request,
unfortunately still not take any action & Holiday home guest will
suffer about this delay.
Nandana Benthara
Executive - Group Employee Relations & Wellbeing Services
Human Resources Management & Development.
Dialog Telekom PLC.
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?
He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple...
*A Thingos Presentation
Two calves that will never become cows...
*A Thingos Presentation
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
*A Thingos Presentation
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
*A Thingos Presentation
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
*A Thingos Presentation
A chest that won't hold linen...
*A Thingos Presentation
Two tits that won't give milk...
*A Thingos Presentation
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
*A Thingos Presentation
A belly button that won't button...
*A Thingos Presentation
An ass that won't pull a plow...
*A Thingos Presentation
An organ that won't play music...
*A Thingos Presentation
Two balls that won't roll...
A cock that won't crow...
"Do you have any books on how to get organized?"
"Probably, but I have no idea where they are."
"Do you have any books on deafness?"
"What?"
"Do you have any books on nepotism?"
"Ask my husband; he's the head librarian."
"Do you have any books on apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care."
"Do you have any books on De Sade?"
"Beats me."
"Do you have any books on goat breeding?"
"Are you kidding?"
"Do you have any books on building self-esteem?"
"Not for stupid, ugly people like you!"
"Do you have any books on phobias?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Do you have any books on psychiatry?"
"What do you think?"
"Yes, they're on the shelf over there."
"Do you have any books on ESP?"
"Do you have any books on Chinese shipping?"
"Oh, no; we don't handle that junk."
"Do you have any books on procrastination?"
"No, we haven't gotten around to ordering them yet."
"Do you have any books on the Navy?"
"Yes, 'Over There,' with the the blue jackets,"
"Do you have any books on orgasms?"
"Yes, come with me."
"Do you have any books on electricity?"
"Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the
subject. Wire you asking?"
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the
ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled
with anger, he says to his female companion,
'That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!'
When they were close enough, the male said, 'Why don't we swim under
the ship and blow air through our blow holes
and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.'
And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship
flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a
thousand pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off
when they realised that the sailors were not dead but floating,
clinging to pieces of wood in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, 'They're
still alive, but I've got another idea.
Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!'
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
'Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm not swallowing the seamen.'
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day.'
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us
know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love
to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my
husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
"There are two sides to a Balance Sheet :
Left & the Right (Liabilities and Assets respectively)
on the Left side there is nothing right..
and on the right side there is nothing left "
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then, a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance
like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise
to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer
and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so
I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?"
The drum leader exclaimed.
"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around
for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
__________________
Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."
__________________
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual, and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested. "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."
_____________
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he
decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention
that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our
fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one
virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order
to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said,
"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to
announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young
women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest.
"Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great
one? This is an order from the Almighty:
Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear,
with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby,
Then said,
"Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly,
"Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"
____________________
The grave-side service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
Accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
_________________
God was missing for six days.. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it.. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent
of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance
in all things.'
God continued pointing t o different countries. 'This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land area and
said, 'What's that one?'
'That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
carriers of peace, and producers of software.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'
God smiled, 'There's another Washington. Wait till you see
the idiots I put there.
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOC K SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact
lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
There were no: credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandmother and I got married first, And then we lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a
title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the
evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches
on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5
and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day: 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was
something your mother cooked in and
'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in
the Principal's office, ' chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was
found in a hardware store and 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap.
And how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind. You are in for a shock!
Are you ready ?
This man would be only 53 years old----
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne ....
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.
Dave said, "Man I wish we had something to drink"
Jim says, 'Me too, You know I have heard you You can drink jet fuel
and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and
get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels.In fact he feels GREAT!
No hangover! No bad side effects at all.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
"What's that?
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
never to be empty, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of
officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to
foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt." -
Cicero, 55 BC.
Didn't work 2,063 years ago. Probably won't fly now.
There was a Baptist Church in North Carolina that hada very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any because they are
so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to
talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up to the pulpit and
said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis b'wond my contwol, we will not haf a
thermon t'day."
New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining,
Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out!
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'The birch says he cannot
tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says,
'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree, replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker
into.'
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still
was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for
millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He
is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad
you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came
up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please
advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once
again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the
door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.' (scroll)
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and
says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm
a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On
the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic
band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in,
snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They
have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife
gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg,
finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's
on the toilet.
.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.
.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
.
I will not lick my human's face after eating stinky food.
.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I
hear one on TV.
.
I will not steal my family's underwear and dance all over
the back yard with it.
.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in
for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person.
It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.... and all in the name
of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
shit sitting on your knee.'
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse , and the whole street blacks out. But Frank
Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his
f---ing widow.'
My neighbor discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it
to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears
so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy 'Nair
Hair Remover' and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the store and gets the 'Nair Hair Remover'.
At the register the pharmacist tells her, 'If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.
The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says, 'Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple of days.'
The lady says 'Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle'
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again,
neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or married to someone else.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did,
they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly
wear them, as they were too large.
'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this
family and I always will.'
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took
his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he
did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told
her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear> them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want ! you to forget that.???
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your attitude, you
never will.'
*MUSHROOM*
When my familia gets in the car there's not MUSHROOM left!
*CHICKEN*
My wife wants me to go to the store but CHICKEN go herself!
*JULY*
You told me you loved me but JULY to me!
* TEXAS *
My stupid friend don't call no more, jus TEXAS me.
*TISSUE*
Hey Vato if you don no how to do it, let me TISSUE.
*JEWISH*
My carnelito asked to drive my carucha and I say JEWISH.
*WATER*
My vieja gets mad and I don't even know WATER problem is !
*SODAS*
My ruca cooks good and SODAS her s is ter.
*Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of someone under
my bed at night*. *So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've
got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'*
*'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears..'*
*'How much do you charge?'*
*'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.*
*'I'll sleep on it,' I said.*
*Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.*
*'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! * *A bartender cured me for $10. I was so
happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so?' with a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I
ask, did a bartender cure you?'*
*'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - ain't nobody under
there now ! '*
*SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.*
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation...
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you
here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.
'They reckon it'll calm me down'.
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why
are you here? 'The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the "Hell" of it. When I'm inside, I dig
up the carpets. But I went 'over the line' last night when I dug a
great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired?
'Looks like I'm losing my
nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are
you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything and
everything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, the car, fence posts, the
water pipe, the bath tub, the hair dryer, a bowl of butter, a basket
of fruits, a pawpaw, the water cooler.. whatever. I want to hump
everything I see...
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and started humping away'...
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
'So,nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab replied... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'!!!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
2. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was sited for littering.
6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
.10. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off Grass.'
11. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'
12. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium, at large.
13. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
14. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
15. Don't join dangerous cults, participate in safe sects.
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven
dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy f**ked a penguin!'
'Grumpy f**ked a penguin!
Care - some are really risque* If necessity is the mother of
invention, then… Frustration is the father of masturbation!
* What is the definition of a healthy virgin?
One who has never been Bed RIDDEN !
* While preparing her RESUME a young Lady wrote:
Special qualification: I am Flexible enough to Perform in all Positions.
* Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.
* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!
* Importance of UNITY explained at it's best:
One Leg of a woman tells the other: UNITED we are saved, divided we are *ucked.
* Same Sex Marriage: What's the big deal in same sex marriages? I've
been married to the same woman for 25 years and had the same old sex
all that time.
* Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
Two old high school buddies get together at their class reunion.
Having not seen each other for many years, the first guy asks,
'How have things been going?'
The second guy, speaking very slowly replied,
'I w..a..s a..l..m..o...s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.'
The first guy says in amazement, 'Hey, you don't stutter any more,
that's great.'
The second guy replies,
'Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r
a..n..d h...e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I
s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n...o..t
s..t...u..t..t..e..r.'
The first guy congratulates him and then asks, 'What did you mean by
you were almost married?'
'W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g
s..t..a..r..t..e..d s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s
b..a..c..k, a..n..d s..o I t..o..l..d h..e..r
t..h..a..t a..f..t..e..r w..e a..r..e
m..a..r..r..i...e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t
f..o..r m..e.. A..n..d t..h..e..n s..h..e
s..l..a..p..p..e..d m..e a..n..d t..h..r..e..w t..h..e
.r..i..n..g o..n t..h...e g..r..o..u..n..d.'
'Why whould she do that? Wasn't she a romantic type?'
asks the first guy.
'W..e..l..l, s..h..e w..a..s, b..u..t I
s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y t..h..a..t, b..y
t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h...e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.'
In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out
to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK , in 30 minutes it
caught 500 thieves;
Spain , in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Ghana ,
in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;
Sri Lanka , in 5 minutes the machine
was stolen.
Luigi was in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli
leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and
purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes
for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties
tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli
leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather
shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be
stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight.'
Luigi gasps,
'Thanka God ..
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post
turtle was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't
belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and
you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into.. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She
got in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She
starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
________________________________________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
_______________________________________________________________________
Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the
third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A
senior White House official takes them to examine it.
The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he
says. 'I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials,
$400 for labour and $100 profit for me.'
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, 'I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans
over to the White House official and whispers: '$2,700.'
The official incredulously says, 'You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' the Indian explains, '$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we
hire the guy from Germany to do the work!'
Guess who got the contract............ ......... ...!!
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you continue to behave like this, you're going to lose
ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'......
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everyday'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident
and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!'
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush
Name of the car
(Udurawana's friend bought a Toyota Corolla)
Udurawana : What is the name of your car ?
Friend : I forgot the name, but starts with 'T'.
Udurawana : Ohoo your car starts with Tea, and my car starts with Petrol.
Udurawana with a computer
Udurawana joined new job & got a chance of working with a computer for
the 1st time.
1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Udurawana : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
Udurawana's SWOT analysis
1. Strength : My wife.
2. Weakness : My neighbor's wife.
3. Opportunity : When My neighbor is on tour.
4. Threat : When I am on tour
Who is the boss ??
Udurawana was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to
a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave
him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had
finished the book by the time he reached his house.
Udurawana stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said,
'From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house,
and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair ....'
'The funeral director,' said his wife.
Flute
Udurawana : Hey man ! why did you give this useless flute to my son ?
Shopkeeper : What happened, sir ?
Udurawana : what happened ? this flute is full of holes....!!! !
Break Into the House
Udurawana went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before.
'You'll get your chance in court,' said the desk sergeant.
'No, no,no!' said Udurawana. 'I just want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!'
Hearing
Udurawana had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
He went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again.'
Udurawana replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!'
Communication
Udurawan & his friend tired of mobile & decide to use pigeons.
One day a pigeon reaches Udurawana without message.
Angry Udurawana calls his friend & asks
' Is this a miss call ???????????? '
Mother tongue.
Son(while filling up a form) : Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Udurawana : Very long!
Door bell
A lady calls Udurawana for repairing door bell.
Udurawana doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again.
Udurawana replies: I came 4 days, pressed the bell, but no one came out.
Lost key
Udurawana : I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Udurawana : 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Udurawana : I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too
Name of dogs
Udurawana who had acquired two new dogs, was visiting his friend,
and the friend asked what their names were.
Udurawana responded by saying that one was named 'Rolex' and one was
named 'Gemex'.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'They're watch dogs!' answered Udurawana.
What is further away
Udurawana & neighbor living in Kandy were sitting one night on a bench
talking..... ...
The neighbor says to Udurawana,
'Which do you think is further away..... Colombo or the Moon ?'
Udurawana turns and says ' Colombo '
'Why ?????' The neighbor asks
'Can you see Colombo from here ????' Udurawana replies .
The act of unlocking
A customer arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car,
They were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
He went to the service department and found the mechanic Udurawana.
Udurawana working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As the customer watched from the passenger's side, he instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
'Hey,' he announced to the technician, 'It`s open!'
'I know,' answered Udurawana. 'I already got that side. Now I am
trying to open driver's side '
Well prepared
Mrs Udurawana phoned Udurawana in the office and said: 'Darling, come
home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner.'
'Good' replied Udurawana, 'make sure she's prepared well'.
Mahinda called Ranil into Temple Trees one day and said, 'Ranil, I
have a great idea! Shall we go to Hambantota for the week-end and
have a little rest and discussion?'
Great idea'... Ranil agreed, 'How will we go about it?' asked Ranil.
'Well' said Mahinda, 'We'll get ourselves in to my helicopter and go
to Hambantota and stay at the best hotel there for a couple of days.
But I want to take my Alsatian dog because no body will be in Temple
Trees when I'm not here.'
So next day with the Alsatian dog at heel, they settled down at the
best hotel in Hambantota then after a refresh went direct to the pub,
the dog by their side.
'Good evening, may we have two doubles of your best Arrack ?' said
Mahinda to the barman. 'Good evening Mr. President', said the barman,
'Two doubles of best Arrack is, coming up'.
Mahinda and Ranil stood leaning on the bar drinking their Arrack,
chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the pub for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door
from the adjacent bar opened and in came a man; he walked up to the
Alsatian, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another man, walked up to the dog, lifted
its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the
other bar. Over the course of the next half hour or so several other
locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Mahinda and Ranil could stand it no longer and called the
Barman over. 'Tell me,' said Ranil, 'why did all those people come in
and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom in this
town?'
'Good God no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told
them that there is an Alsatian dog in this bar with two arseholes'.
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City . It was
raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
'Mommy,' said the little boy, 'what are all those ladies doing?'
'They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work,' she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, 'Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money.'
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, 'Is that true, mommy?' His
mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, 'Mommy what happens to the babies
those ladies have?'
'They become cab drivers,' she replied.
To be read with a French accent...
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day
and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red
wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me
lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours
it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have
white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things
really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!'
A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......
A LICKER LICENSE!
You lovers of the English language might be fascinated with this .
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
quick pre-cursor ~ - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
Now read to the end . . . here are some of the many twists to the
presentation of our beloved English, some whacky, some hilarious and
some downright ludicrous but all perfectly gramatically correct!!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse..
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out..
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests..
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France
. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.
WHAT'S UP?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock
UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the
little word has real special meaning. People stirUPtrouble, line UP
for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed
is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
clogged UP .. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.
We seem to be pretty mixed-Up about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP ,look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takesUPalmost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a
list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time,
but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP ,When the sun
comes out we say it is clearingUP ..
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP ..
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP ..
Get UP, stand UP, sit UP, set UP, look UP, check UP, pucker UP, then
for the more enterprising there is F--k UP!...that's Fork UP, now what
were you thinking?.........
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP,
so........... is it time to shut down or just SHUT UP ? ............
Well I think I'll just zip UP for the time being, I'm kind of getting
fed UP! now.
Oh! . . .just one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do
at night? U-P
Oh well, La di da!....UP, UP and away!
WHY ON EARTH DO WE PUT UP WITH ALL THIS!!!
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his
reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again.
As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose, and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?
'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you
taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how
do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00
an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly
"well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs
either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued
ribs or sausage?' I said, 'No, my former doctor
said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I
don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a
Harley, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a
shit?'
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death
to ask her what it is!'
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have No money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in
us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."
