The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e., tells the truth).
As a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1:

What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:

"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:

a...Cricket.
b...Rugbyl.

c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.

e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,

"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2:

Do you love me?

The proper response is:

"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:

a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.

b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c...That depends on what you mean by love.

d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?

Question # 3:

Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:

"Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?

b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c...A little extra weight looks good on you.

d...I've seen fatter.

e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4:

Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:

"Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a...Yes, but you have a better personality.

b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

d...Define pretty.

e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5:

What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING:

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

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XX - Your Zipper is Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said,

"Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

"Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said,

"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said,

"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

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Some nice ones for the Old boys!

"It is more important to understand than to be understood." (Bill Russell)

An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says,

"I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.."
The other man said,

"What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,

"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
" Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says,

"I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes , the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says "Where's my toast ?"

A senior citi zen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says,

"Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says,

"No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says,

"So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbour,

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty ."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied,

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said,

"I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,

"Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Confession!

WINE AND WATER EDUCATION

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we Would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli bacteria found in feces.
In other Words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) Because alcohol has to go through a distillation Process of boiling, filtering, and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk shit .. Than to Drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable Information. I am doing it as a public service.
Thank you.

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DO BLONDES UNDERSTAND AMERICAN LINGO?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to The nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!" Fishing This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the Ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!" Insurance slogans Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb." Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the Worm." The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."

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Family Matters!

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
> >In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: 'Your honor, I want to
> >divorce my husband.' 'But why ?' asked the judge. She replied, 'Because
> >he is not faithful to me.' The judge asked, 'How do you know ?' She
> >replied, 'My lord, not a single child resembles him.'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
> > From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, 'One month
> >after I die I want you to marry Samy.' 'Samy! But he is your enemy !'
> >'Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer
> >now.'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
> >At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing
> >your wedding ring on the wrong finger? ' The other replied, 'Yes I am, I
> >married the wrong man.'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Why?
> >' Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be
> >home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another
> >man's arms. ' Why, Dad ? Tell me why!' Dad kept silent for a few
> >minutes, then coolly said, 'Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax.'
> >
> >
> > Husband & Wife - Same Service
> >A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, 'When we were first
> >married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
> >slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten
> >years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and
> >my wife runs around barking.' 'Why complain?' said the counselor.
> >'You're still getting the same service!'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
> >One woman told another : 'My neighbour is always speaking ill of her
> >husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
> >have I ever said anything bad about him?'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Love To Do
> >A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
> >door and said, 'Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses
> >her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?' 'I would love to.'
> >Replied the husband. 'But I don't know her well enough.'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
> >A man was telling his friends, 'When my wife is infuriated, she starts
> >shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer
> >her.' One of his friends asked.'And when you are angry, what do you do?'
> >The man replied, 'I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the
> >house and none of them dares to answer back.
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
> >A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
> >home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. 'Take my advice,' said
> >the neighbour, 'and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three
> >o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: 'Is that you,
> >Jim?' And that cured him. 'Cured him !' asked the woman, 'but how?' The
> >neighbour said, 'You see, his name is Bill.'
> >
> >
> >Husband & Wife - Problem Father
> >'You looked troubled,' I told my friend, 'what's your problem?' He
> >replied, 'I'm going to be a father.' 'But that's wonderful,' I said.
> >'What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

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MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

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The COWBOY

>An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he
>sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to
>the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "Well ma'am, I've
>spent my whole life breaking broncs, roundin up strays, cuttin firewood,
>working cows, riding in rodeos fer extra tobac money, mending fences,
>roping calves, forking hay, doctoring to cows, calves, horses and mules,
>cleaning my barn, fixing saddles, shoeing stock, building corrals, rollin
>my smokes, and riding fences, so yep I reckon I 'm a real cowboy."She said,
>"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get
>up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women.
>When I watch TV, I think about women. When I am driving I think of women. I
>even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything I do makes me
>think of women."The two sat sipping in silence and shortly the young woman
>said goodbye. The old cowhand set a thinkin on it for a bit when a fella
>came in and sat down beside him."Are you a real cowboy?" the fella
>asked.The old cowboy answered. "Well I always thought I was, but I jest
>found out that I'm a lesbian."

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The Husband

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman appeared unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table.

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table" she said.

The woman calmly looked up at her,

"No he didn't", she replied. "He just walked in the door."

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Annoying Indian Sub Continent questions.....

Next time you get asked an annoying Indian Sub Continent question, answers should be like this.....

Please read on,

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?

A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot.

In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit

the target....


Q. You're from India, aren't you? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the

snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?

[note: This one we were actually asked in August '93 by a real estate agent when house-hunting in Boston.]

A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started elephant-pooling with our

neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....


Q. Does India have cars?

A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.


Q. Does India have TV?

A. No. We only have cable.


Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?

A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.


Q. How come you speak English so well?

A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to

learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since

then all babies born are born speaking English.


A variation to the above is a compliment ---

"You speak very good English."

Response: Thanks. So do you.


Q. Are you a Hindi?

A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.


Q. Do you speak Hindu?

A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.


Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?

A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.


Q. India is very hot, isn't it?

A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.


Q. Are there any business companies in India?

A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own

food.

That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of hard work.


Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?

A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian

diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the

population of the country, the government is trying to encourage

everyone to eat human meat.


Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?

A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it

is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I

meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is

why things are so inefficient there.


Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?

A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.


Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?

A. I prefer it to coming naked.


Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving day in India?

A. By roasting an American....

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Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.

If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die..



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

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7 Amazing Simple Home Remedies & tips for how to stay YOUNG !!!

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


NOTE: Of course this is a joke issue, please DO NOT try ANY of these amazing home remedies except for perhaps #7.

Yes, I did have to say that.

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By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question...

which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a

restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even

faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're

right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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Military Trivia (UNCLASSIFIED)

SOME ARE UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................

 You'll enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret
and history buff. You would really have to dig deep
to get this kind of ringside seat to history:

1. The first German serviceman killed in WW2 was
killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first
American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians
(Finland1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt
Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So
much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old
Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a
Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His
benefits were later restored by act of Congress.

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy
command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the
shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division
was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named
"Amerika." All three were soon changed for PR
purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than
the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30
missions, your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as
an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a
target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi
Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a
passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to
load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in
aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different
ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were
hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing.
Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was
under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was
the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end
of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo.
This was definitely not something you wanted to tell
the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their
success rate nearly double and their loss rate go
down.

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE....

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first
thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty
universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill
(who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had
himself photographed in the act).

8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing
New York City, but it wasn't worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a
malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy
were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight
for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the
Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army
until they were captured by the Germans and forced to
fight for the German Army until they were captured by
the US Army.

AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST....

11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000
United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at
Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed
in the firefight. It would have been worse if there
had been any Japanese on the island.

 

 

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See if you are smart

This puzzle is called

Lateral Thinking . . .
Just Check This Out ! ! !!

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

Think like a wizard . . .........



man
1. ------------
board

Ans. = man overboard.

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.



stand
2. ------------
i

Ans. = I understand.


OK, Got the drift ?

Let's try a few more now and see how you fare ?





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/






Ans. = reading between the lines.





4. r
road
a
d





Ans. = cross road.

Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.






5. cycle
cycle
cycle






Ans. = tricycle.

Not easy to figure that out!

ha! ha! ha!


0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.





Ans. = two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought ! !




knee
7. ------------
light




Ans. = neon light.
( knee - on - light )


YOU can prove you are smart by getting this one.






ground
8. ------------ ---
feet feet feet feet feet feet






Ans. = six feet underground
(Oh no, not again ! !)






9. he's X himself





Ans. = he's by himself

Now you are messing up big time.





10. ecnalg





Ans. = backward glance.
Not even close ! !






11. death ..... life






Ans. = life after death.

Okay last chance ............ ......




12. THINK









Ans. = think big ! !





And the last one is real fundoo - - -


13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbb ababaabbaaabbbb. .









Ans. = long time no 'C'

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The Beauty of MAtheMatics

 

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321


1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111


9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888


Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:


1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321

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Angels

HEAVEN

First Question:

What do you get when a woman goes to heaven?

Answer:

An Angel!


Second Question:

What do you get when several women go to heaven??

Answer:

A host of Angels!!


Third and Final Question:

What do you get when all women go to heaven???










Answer:

PEACE ON EARTH!!

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before it all starts

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Dating Seniors...

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
>
> Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
> went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
> before I give him my answer.'
>
> Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
> P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
> such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
> but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he
> takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
> dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell
> you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
> So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
> Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
> with me two times!'
>
> Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
> with him?'
>
> Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

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XX - all balls

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, ' Have you been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in the armed forces for three years'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward employment' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer, clearly impressed, tells the guy, 'O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M. '
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?'
'This is a government job', the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that!'

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Weird only in Iran ...

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Kung hei fat choi (Happy New Year)

Why it's important to understand English

As reported by a Toronto native:

I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was
Trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little
irritated ....

He asked the teller,

"Why it change??
Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty??
Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too".

(Do you get it?)

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Demotivations

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Beer Prayer - Amen ( Hic)

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Religious flavor

Jewish Humour!
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.
On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.
The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.
"Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"
"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.
"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "
"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

--------------
Catholic Humour!
Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest,
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
The priest says,
"Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
Paddy says,
"I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
So, the priest says,
"I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
Paddy says,
"I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says,
"Was it that Rose O'Connell?"
And Paddy responds,
"I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
So, the priest says,
"You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says,
"Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
And Paddy says,
"Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?"
Paddy says,
"Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"

----------------
Protestant Humour!
Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church.
The priest said,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied,
"No problem at all, Father."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied,
"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,"said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

--------------
Muslim Humour:
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it.
She would stand in front of her house and say,
"Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout,
"There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance.
She would pray out loud in her night prayer,
"Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her.
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries.
She raised her hands and shouted,
"Allah be praised!."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said,
"Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said,
"ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

-------------
Buddhist Humour:
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher.
She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street.
In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so.
She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply,
"You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
---------------
Hindu Humour:
Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Ganesh for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Ganesh, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Bholaji goes back to the temple.
"Ganesh please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck.
Back to the temple he goes.
"My Ganesh, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly,y there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God:
"Bholaji, buy a lottery ticket first."

--------------
Christian Humour:
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean.
They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..."
Then he got an idea.
He picked up the phone,
"Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

-------------
Biblical Humour:
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was,
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

-----------------
Ecumenical Humour:
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.
He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
And Finally:

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying,
"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The rabbi said,
"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then, the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked,
"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
The priest replied,
"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?"

--------------

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Hilary Clinton - Presidential Campaign.

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian nation last year in upper New York State .

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that: Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly!!!

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Marriage

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Ice storm

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Bridges of the world

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Niagra Falls - beautiful pictures

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Oops !!

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.***

**Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.**

**So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With
a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.**

**About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.**

**She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!*****"***

**The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we
was friends

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