Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Identity

2012-01-29T09:02:00.001-05:00

President Mahinda Rajapakse walks into Bank of Ceylon
to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says: Good Morning,
madam, could you pleaase cash this cheque for me?

Cashier: It would be my pleasure,Sir. Could you please show me your ID?

PRESIDENT: (utterly shocked) I did not bring my ID with me as I
didn't think there was any need. I am Mahinda Rajapakse, the President
of Sri Lanka!

Cashier: Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the
regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and
forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

PRESIDENT: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will
tell you. Everybody knows who I am!

Cashier: I am sorry Mr. President, but these are the bank
rules and I must follow them strictly.

PRESIDENT: I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque. Shiranthi has
gone to America and Namal has, by mistake, taken the keys of the
safe with him. I need some extra spending money urgently.

Cashier: look Mr. President, this is what we can do. Some
months back, Sarath Fonseka came into the bank without ID. To prove he was
the ex General, he showed his tummy scars. With those scar marks, we knew
him to be Ex General and cashed his cheque. On another occasion,
Sanath Jayasuriya
came in without his ID. To prove his identity, he just went out and hit sixes.
With that we knew for certain that he was indeed Sanath himself, and we
cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove
that it is you, and only you, as the President of Sri Lanka?

PRESIDENT stood there thinking, thinking and thinking, and finally
said: Honestly, my mind is totally blank ..... there is nothing that
comes to my mind... I can't think of a single thing!!!

Cashier: There you are! That is enough. Now I don't have any
doubt that you are our President Mahinda Rajapakse. In what
denominations would you like the cash, Mr. President?

Political Quotes

2012-01-28T16:54:00.001-05:00

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance
speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will
Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge
even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the
other. ~Oscar Ameringer

The Democrats are   the party that says government will make you
smarter, taller, richer, and   remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The
Republicans are the party that   says government doesn't work and then
they get elected and prove it.    ~P.J. O'Rourke

I offer my   opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies
about us, I will   stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai
Stevenson, campaign speech,   1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country. ~ Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should
automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter
to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on
senators. ~Will Rogers

XX - ADULT PUNS!

2012-01-27T17:36:00.001-05:00

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?

A nurse is a pan handler.

Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady
approaches him and says,
"What's wrong, honey?"
The little boy replies between sobs,
"My Grandma passed away this morning."
"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me
to call Father O'Riley?"
"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."

Sales for Viagra are way down.
I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old
woman is not worth $20.

Jack left for a two day business trip to Chicago.
He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd
left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house.
He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her, reached out,
and squeezed her left tit.
"Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for
breakfast tomorrow."

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

An astronaut discovered life on the dark side of the moon.
When he got out of the module, he saw a light in a cave not too far away.
He went to investigate and discovered the cave was an entrance to an
underground city populated with people appearing identical to earth
people except for the women's breasts on their backs instead of their
chests.
When the inhabitants saw him they threw a party to welcome him to the moon.
At a press conference on returning to earth, a reporter asked if he
thought that the women looked strange. He said,
"Yes, but they sure are nice to dance with."

A woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with
him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit
in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doctor, I'm doing it twice a night now,
sometimes even three times."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"I don't know, Doctor," she replied. "He has been away on a business
trip for the past two weeks.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blondes don't screw in light bulbs.
They screw in Jacuzzis

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

GEORGE CARLIN

2012-01-26T11:06:00.001-05:00

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's -
could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate!

The Message:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less,

We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less
wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet a new neighbour.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses,
but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in
the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when
you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete....

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a
cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak!

And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin.

Dorace & Jackie

2012-01-26T10:10:00.001-05:00

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench
outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The
short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never
have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak
through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of
the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the
smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'

HUMOUR

2012-01-25T13:40:00.001-05:00

Male or female – many non-living objects are actually either male or
female. Here are some examples:
WEB PAGE: Female, because they are constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
... HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Tyres: Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
PHOTOCOPIERS: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the
wrong buttons

Computers: Male or Female?
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how
ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the
students raised their hand and asked, "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain, which it was, so he divided the class into
two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to
decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were
asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of
women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender, for the following reasons:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they cause the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

XX Confucious Say:

2012-01-25T10:34:00.001-05:00

Confucius Say
The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty.

Confucius Say
ArtifIcial Insemination is procreation without recreation.

Confucius Say
The useless skin around a penis is called "a man".

Confucius Say
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say
A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Confucius Say
An Arch Criminal is one who robs shoe stores.

Confucius Say
The best way for university student to turn their life completely
around is to get 90 degrees.

Confucius Say
The worst thing about oral sex is the view

Confucius Say
An old grave digger is called an Elderberry

New Secretary

2012-01-25T10:18:00.001-05:00

John: Your secretary is very sexy...!

Tom: Thanks! It's a robot actually,named " Monica "

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & If you squeeze
her left breast, she types letters !

I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions...

Next day.............John called Tom from hospital & shouted:

You bastard ! You didn't tell me that the HOLE ''' between Monica's
legs is a pencil sharpener............!

Drunken Husband

2012-01-24T11:14:00.001-05:00

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

XX ADULT PUNS!

2012-01-24T10:09:00.001-05:00

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he
would like a woman sent to his room. The man says, yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer
or the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it.
The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished,
But the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get
it right."

Men are like Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl
approached him.
"Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
"What size do you need, Sir?"
"I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size
I would need."
"May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL ... Wait! Make it MEDIUM ... Wait! Make it LARGE ...
Shit! Give me a TISSUE!"

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after
I'm gone!" he replied.

When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember which one I chose.

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car
directly between the house of Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Mr. And Mrs.
Balls.
Luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

What happens when you mess around with a school girl during the wrong period?
You get caught red handed.

"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my pair
annoy ya'?"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton whore who'll go for peanuts, but will never forget you!

Party Crashers:-

2012-01-22T22:37:00.001-05:00

The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people
and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how
to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the
bride's side
of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.

Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family
stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This
is a birthday party!"

XXX ADULT PUNS!

2012-01-22T22:36:00.001-05:00

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanour
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner

Confucius says,
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."

I think I won't ever laugh out so loud…
This morning in biology class, we had to put our own saliva under a microscope.
Suddenly, a girl shouts out very agitated:
"There's something moving here!"
All were very quiet, the teacher looked at it, looked again and said:
"Oh, that's definitively a living sperm cell."
I think the girl just wanted to die.

The difference between a nympho, a hooker and a wife is:
The nympho says,
"You're done already?"
The hooker says,
"Are you done yet?"
The wife says,
"Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "we're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
Brownie points

A British teen was so desperate to speak Korean with a proper accent
she had her tongue lengthened surgically.
It isn't known if she speaks Korean any better, but she has gotten
more offers for dates than she ever imagined.

The former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant because right before the tanks were full, he would pull out
the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

There was a young lad from the South that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom.
His parents suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother.
After the evening ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road."
She replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
After they parked, he said.
"If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again, she replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
So, he gave her a big tongue kiss!
Wow,
"Damn if you weren't my sister I'd like to Fuck you"
Again, she replied,
"Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked,
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's."
To which he replied
"Yep, that's what mom tells me!"

Frigid:
A man's term for a woman
Who wants to have sex less often than he does,
Or
Who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he
noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking blonde, had sketched
the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"

At a music store there was a sign stating, Bach's Organ Works."
Underneath someone had scribbled,
"So does mine."

XX - As Irish as They Get!!!

2012-01-22T18:28:00.001-05:00

Paddy and Mick drove to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.?

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust.? "I'd rather be raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too,
I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. ?

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know!?? It?s your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!"? Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home".
So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder
how the girls are getting on"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread eagled and says

"You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the
looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head

was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said ;

"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours'
dog is barking like mad in the garden.? Paddy says
"To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.?
Let's see how they like it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows
have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!? There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Funny, but true...........

2012-01-19T10:44:00.001-05:00

Just something to help you get a laugh as we all need to laugh more!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down and beat you with
experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is' knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

XXX ADULT PUNS!

2012-01-18T15:33:00.001-05:00

There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior

Dear Rick Santorum, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann:
Religion is like a penis.
It is nice to have a religion, and certainly okay to be proud of your religion.
However, it is not appropriate to wave it around seductively in
public, and downright disgusting to try cramming it down people's
throats.

What's more profitable;
A one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?
A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fuckin' overhead.

What is the difference between love and Herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.

A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in
a bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said,
"Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now
and get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said,
"You're superstitious, right?"

Went to my doctor for my routine checkup today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies,
'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars?
More head room.

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how
long he will last.

XX As old age approaches;

2012-01-18T15:31:00.003-05:00

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes,

Eight Funny Logics

2012-01-18T15:31:00.001-05:00

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like
Expecting the lion not to attack you
Because you are a vegetarian.
Think ABout it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance
&
What clothes we wear,
But
What we are inside.
So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
Walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
&
Convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man.
He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said,
He who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists
For being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison,
Sleeping pills,
Hanging,
Jumping from a building,
Lying on train tracks,
But
We chose marriage,
Slow sure!

Quiz for Bright People

2012-01-18T15:28:00.001-05:00

There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons.
All other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle.
The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;
It hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw'
and they are all common words.
Name at least two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:
Niagara Falls
. (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because
of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons:
Asparagus and Rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside:
Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree.
The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season.
When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw:
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar:
Period,
Comma,
Colon,
Semicolon,
Dash,
Hyphen,
Apostrophe,
Question mark,
Exclamation
Point,
Quotation mark,
Brackets,
Parenthesis,
Braces,
&
Ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes,
Socks,
Sandals,
Sneakers,
Slippers,
Skis,
Skates,
Snowshoes,
Stockings,
Stilts.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 00% ON AN EXAM

2012-01-17T10:15:00.001-05:00

I would have given him 100%
My Kind Of Guy!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl by CEO of J.P Morgan's

2012-01-17T10:12:00.001-05:00

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this
year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a
guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy,
but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New
York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who
has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to
ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've
dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is
my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential
area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not
enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names
and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a
few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are
able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of
girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me
to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income
is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone
believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a
business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very
simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying
to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides
beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a
deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be
gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase
from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence
from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you
are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but
exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will
be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position,
dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value
dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long
term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel
to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with
great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over
$500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will
not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to
marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a
rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than
finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do
contact me...

signed,
J.P. Morgan

XX ADULT PUNS!

2012-01-16T10:53:00.001-05:00

There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin.

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said,
"Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she smiled and added,
"Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack
our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah
drink."

Confucius Says:
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Not something to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a
dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm...,
PHYSICALLY attracted to my horse!"
"Hmmm." Then the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

What is the difference between a pigmy village and a women's track team?
A pigmy village is a cunning bunch of runts.

A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel.
"We've just been married," the young couple explained, "but we forgot
to make reservations. Could you give us a suite for the night?"
"Certainly," replied the clerk. "Would you like the bridal?"
"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "Now that we're married, we're
going to stop horsing around!"

TAXIDERMIST -
A man who mounts animals.

It was painfully evident to the indignant father that all was not well
with his attractive daughter.
To his pointed questions, she tearfully admitted that motherhood was
approaching and that the rich young lay about who lived on the next
block was responsible.
With fire in his eyes, the father charged down the street and rang the
bachelor's bell.
The young man answered the door, still in his dressing gown and
holding what appeared to be a mai tai.
He readily admitted his guilt.
"Just what do you intend doing about it?" demanded the parent.
The bachelor thought for a moment.
"Well," he said, "if it's a girl, I'll give your daughter fifty
thousand dollars. And if it's a boy, I'll give her a hundred
thousand."
"See here," said the father. "If it's a miscarriage, will you give her
another chance?"

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better.

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company
to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who
picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your
policy," she assured me.
After taking down basic information, like my name and address, she asked me,
"Was this a work-related incident?"

You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you,
"Let's just be friends."

The basic difference

2012-01-04T11:49:00.001-05:00

In Europe & America:

YOU can kiss in public but not piss in public.

In India & Pakistan:
YOU can piss in public but not kiss in public.

A Rabbi Hears Confession !

2012-01-01T11:15:00.001-05:00

A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday
,afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist
him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to
cover for him.

The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.

The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit to show him what to do.

The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the
confessional working out the details.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for
I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?"

The woman said, „I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary‚s, put five dollars in the donation box,
go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, go and sin no more."

The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure,
so the Priest left.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive
me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three
for five dollars!"

Jumping on the bed

2011-12-28T12:42:00.001-05:00

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?,
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says
I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said,
"What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Who's the boss

2011-12-28T12:12:00.001-05:00

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Senility

2011-12-28T00:20:00.001-05:00

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Social Networking

2011-12-27T11:12:00.001-05:00

Teacher: Wer is ur homework?
Boy: Madam, plz check in FACEBOOK. I have uploaded a copy of it &
tagged you......

Gal 2 her brother: Wat r u gng to gift grandma on her bday?
Boy: Football
Gal: But grandma doesnt play football?
Boy: On my bday she gav me books...

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today.
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly.
Kid thought for a moment & said, k forget it dad let's go to KFC

Teacher to kid: Write a note on Srilanka.
Kid wrote: Its a country whose map cums free along with d India map.

A drunk guy falls from 1st floor.
People gathered around n asked him wat happend?
He said... "I dont knw, I also came down Just now..!!"

A "Touching" Christmas Story

2011-12-25T10:53:00.001-05:00

A married couple had been out shopping in a mall for the day.
Suddenly, the wife realized her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded,
"Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and fell in love with it and I didn't have money that
time and said Baby it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

CREATION 1. 1

2011-12-25T10:51:00.001-05:00

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and

red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with

that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles." And they both gained 10 pounds each. And

Satan smiled.

And it came to pass thet God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep her figure that Man found so curvy and appealing. And

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named

it "Devil's Food Cake."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so

Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its

99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is

good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

XX - Sydney (Australia) Radio Competition

2011-12-23T10:01:00.001-05:00

This got the whole of Sydney laughing....
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work
and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, h! uh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones......ringing...)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the
rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very ! good. Nex! t question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to
have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was
an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Working late Night!

2011-12-21T10:32:00.003-05:00

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

The Singing Parrot...

2011-12-21T10:32:00.001-05:00

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune
changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's
left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his
wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his
face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like
it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Jewish Modesty

2011-12-21T10:31:00.001-05:00

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling..."

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

2011-12-21T10:21:00.001-05:00

1. Money cannot buy happiness
But
Its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
Than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy
But
Remember the bastard's name.....

3. Help someone when they are in trouble
And
They will remember you
When they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only
Because
it's illegal to shoot them...

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
But
Then again,
Neither does milk.

: When I was 10 -

2011-12-20T00:05:00.001-05:00

Rubber meant eraser,

Ass meant donkey,

Gay meant happy,

Straight meant linear,

Making out meant 'logical detection',

Cock meant rooster,

Pussy meant cat,

Stag meant a male deer,

Prick meant a jab,

Poke meant a nudge,

Chick meant a baby hen,

Screw meant a carpenter's implement

And

A Tit was always for Tat!!

Damn! -

English has changed so much!!!

Whose fault..not mine

2011-12-19T11:45:00.001-05:00

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped

At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
In order to return to the restaurant to
Retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
His wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
The more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the
Credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental
Health Week. You can do YOUR part by
Remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Learning From Kids

2011-12-19T11:04:00.001-05:00

For those with no children -
This is totally hysterical.

For those who already have children past this age,
This is hilarious.

For those who have children this age,
This is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age,
This is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children,
This is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft.
House, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.

It's always a Sri Lankan Brain

2011-12-18T14:43:00.001-05:00

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

Chinese : Is this a joke?

Japanese : Impossible!

American : The question's all wrong!

British : It's not found on the Internet

And the Sri Lanka .......................................................

...................................................................

............................................. f(iv)e

XXX - A Quick Adult Poem

2011-12-15T10:52:00.001-05:00

I have a little poem,
I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
It's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
When a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
His willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
Just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
And then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little,
Sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
Will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care,
For it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
Now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size:
They give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets,
Wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin -
At least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
But must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
And more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing
About my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
It knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one,
Until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

Cardiologist's Funeral

2011-12-15T10:40:00.001-05:00

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
The eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
Then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.. When
All eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
Of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.

Some places I have and have not been...

2011-12-13T04:51:00.001-05:00

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.

I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions,

But you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!

It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep-shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is
to get there.

XXX: NEVER ENOUGH

2011-12-13T04:44:00.001-05:00

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give blow jobs.

Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."

Things That May Sound Dirty , But Are Not

2011-12-13T04:43:00.001-05:00

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in a LAW firm:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't

1. Think you can get me off?

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in the OFFICE:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't

1 It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, at GOLF:

10.Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

The office Christmas Party (starts lame but end is great)

2011-12-12T10:43:00.001-05:00

Christmas Party Company Memo
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2011

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2011

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2011

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2011

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2011

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2011

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

XX - Onions and X-mas Tree

2011-12-12T10:42:00.001-05:00

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three
kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his
60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

TO ALL MY EMAIL BUDDIES

2011-12-12T10:38:00.001-05:00

As we progress through to the year 2012, I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year 2011. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public restroom..

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2 coin dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician
. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY...AND A HEALTHY LIFE

Aphorisms

2011-12-08T17:47:00.001-05:00

1. The nicest thing about the future is .. . .. that it always starts
tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag
his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job..

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants
to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print .. . . There's no way you're
going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap
music will be the Golden Oldies!) (How about in 5 years?)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably
dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind .....
and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . .. but it's still a gift.

CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

2011-12-08T14:35:00.001-05:00

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but
the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The
balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you
...I know you are!!!

Oh, those West Indians

2011-12-08T14:34:00.001-05:00

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York
for the Labor Day weekend. To save money, they decided to sleep two to
a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Trinidadian, because he
snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to
stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.

The next night it was the Barbadian's turn. In the morning, he arrived for
breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. They said,
'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

The third night was the Jamaican's turn. Blacka was a big burly
Dread from Tivoli . The next morning he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and chipper.

'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it! They said,
'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night - said 'nite nite darling'... He sat up and
watched me all night long.

Jewish Christmas

2011-12-03T11:05:00.001-05:00

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas
time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with
Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you
do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year;
Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into Dads Rolls Royce and
drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at the empty
warehouse, and begin to sing, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then
we all go to the Bahamas on Dads Yacht."

XX - HAPPY BIRTH DAY

2011-12-02T12:23:00.001-05:00

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth! He spoke to his
toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 Today.
Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked on the park in the summer
every Sunday Afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy
Birthday toes!

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh,
the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.
"Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie !! You little
bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92 !!!!

Good Bad and Ugly ;

2011-12-02T11:17:00.001-05:00

1st Case-
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer!

2nd Case-
Good:Your son is finally maturing.
Bad:He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: so are you!

3rd Case-
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:you find porn there.
Ugly: You're in it.

4th Case-
Good: Your wife and you agree to no more kids.
Bad: She cant find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 15 year old daughter has them!

5th Case-
Good: you start telling your children about sex as they're getting old.
Bad:They keep interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!!

The Postman

2011-12-01T10:29:00.001-05:00

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night.This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning.We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a
hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'

Substitute Sindhi for any other ethnicity...same deal.

2011-11-30T11:23:00.001-05:00

A wealthy Sindhi parked his brand new Porsche Carrera at the front of
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along too close to the kerb and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was
close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his
lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the Sindhi
started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it
new again.

After the Sindhi finally calmed down a bit, the cop shook his head in
disgust, disbelief and wonder "I can't believe how materialistic you
Sindhis are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Sindhi.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the Sindhi. "MY ROLEX!"

Excuse notes to teachers from parents

2011-11-28T16:16:00.001-05:00

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school
District .

Spellings have been left intact......

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
Had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We
thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
Sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

John's Last Wish

2011-11-26T08:48:00.001-05:00

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last

request, Dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

WHAT Is a Faux Pas ??

2011-11-26T08:44:00.001-05:00

One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book.
On the very first page he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called
out to Jeeves.
"Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?"
"This what, sir?"
"'Fox pass', Jeeves."
"Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir."
"Yes, dash it, whatever."
"Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:

'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of marmalade?"
"Yes, Jeeves"

"Well, that, sir, was a faux pas"

XXX Pussy Green - XXX

2011-11-23T12:38:00.001-05:00

An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Pussy Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Pussy Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Pussy Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver
the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman entered the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the
priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching,
shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

'Is that Pussy Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

'Hind Lick Maneuver'

2011-11-23T11:41:00.001-05:00

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant down south. While having a bite
to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know,

I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed
nobody do it!'

Oldies - HOW TO START A FIGHT...

2011-11-21T11:12:00.001-05:00

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a
clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
_______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

XX - wrong answer by a young lady

2011-11-21T10:14:00.001-05:00

A young lady got kicked out of math class one day.
The teacher asked 'what comes after 69'?
Apparently 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer...........

Jokes to take you through the week...

2011-11-18T09:08:00.001-05:00

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the
very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell
her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America
with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Why Indian's are Reborn.

2011-11-11T11:01:00.001-05:00

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: 'I have to talk to you.

We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are
wearing Dolce and Gabana sarees instead of their white robes,

they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're
selling their halos to people for discounted prices.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they
keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea).
Some of them are even walking around with just one wing !

They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan
returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.
Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said,
"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Indians are trying
to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to
live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them
uncomfortably hot!!Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to
start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME
and GOD.They have started a socal network service for the troubled and
believe in Karma and are good in convincing others.

Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa
and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla shop, which I had to stop.

Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on
earth. We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this
is Hell, but they have no problems in doing everything outside in
open.

They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staff are being
bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and
corruption in Hell.

They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they
came. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!!
I am therefore requesting you

OH LORD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".

So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born !

SPECIAL EDITION: PUNS INTENDED!

2011-11-11T10:38:00.001-05:00

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Take time to ponder this - from ANDY ROONEY.

2011-11-10T09:55:00.001-05:00

I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned....That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child, did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with smarter people than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I told my Mom that I love her one more
time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.

Glasgow Policeman

2011-11-09T13:07:00.001-05:00

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?" base controller asks.

Officer answers,"There's a big fat darkie dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,

"You have to use the politically correct terminology"*

"AYE! OK" he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

Seniors Exercise jokes

2011-11-09T09:23:00.001-05:00

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
…Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country running,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine…and even feel better

Indian Signs

2011-11-06T07:59:00.001-05:00

Notices in English for tourists in Gujarat-India

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.. If you are not a person to
do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.

In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, ea ch one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.

In a Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases

In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!

2011-11-06T07:58:00.001-05:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amjad Haseeb <amjad_haseeb@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Sat, Nov 5, 2011 at 3:21 AM
Subject: Re: Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!
To: Rifky Mackeen <rifkyn@gmail.com>

Thanks for making it suitable for all.
Amjad.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics, the drug users and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour who never said anything nice.
Joe , who I always thought was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the Angel of Death , 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
Can it be a mistake?

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' he said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you..'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Just going to a place of worship doesn't make you more
pious any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Love-Making Tips For Seniors!

2011-11-06T07:55:00.001-05:00

1.
Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner
is actually in the bed.

2.
Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off
in the middle of the session.

3.
Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4.
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.

5.
Write partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.

6.
Use extra polygrip so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.

7.
Have Tylenol ready
in case you actually complete the act.

8.
Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9.
If it works,
call everyone you know
with the good news!!

10.
Don't even think about trying it twice...
__________________________________

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and
you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky'
means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
_____________________________________________________

XX Medical Insurance

2011-11-06T07:52:00.001-05:00

Two men are at the Dr's,waiting to get vasectomies.

A nurse breezes in,tells them to strip and put-on the medical gowns

She returns a few minutes later,reaches under one man's gown and
begins to masturbate him.

Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

She saya as a matter of fact,"We have to vacate the sperm from your
system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.

The second man watches bewildered and by the time the nurse turns to
him,he is quite ready for his turn.

To his surprise, she drops to her knees, seductively parts her lips
and begins a blow-job.

The first guy,somewhat let-down,demands to know "Hey,why only a hand
job for me and a blow-jog for him?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between public
healthcare and private medical insurance coverage"

Kids will be kids but take care when you are with them in public

2011-11-03T09:17:00.001-05:00

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know
it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:
'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'

The last wish of a cuban Patriot Kissing Fidel goodbye.......

2011-10-31T13:06:00.001-05:00

A group of Cubans desert their island and are on their way to Miami. In the
middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (an old one) suffers a
major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a Cuban flag to kiss and
say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately
in their boat to find something that would resemble the flag of their
country -- a T-shirt, a handkerchief, anything.

With everyone almost ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a
23-year-old girl shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a
tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks. The
young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear, showing
the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped tanned buttock cheek. She approaches
the dying man and sticks her butt right up in his face.

The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with
both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I
say goodbye to you with great sadness. Farewell my land, my flag. Havana, I
will miss you so."

After going on non-stop for almost 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now,
Chica, par favor, turn around and allow me to kiss Fidel, our bearded
dictator, goodbye too!""

Australian Love Poem

2011-10-31T13:04:00.001-05:00

Yes there is such a thing, sad as it is!
Who said Australians weren't romantic?

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch me another beer.

Haloween with the ACME Costume Company...

2011-10-31T13:02:00.001-05:00

Halloween Costume Problem!!!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head & his leg, so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will look just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg.. so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by, he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you should really look the
part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a
small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST!!!
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses & a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on all our crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

DO MEN HAVE INSTINCT

2011-10-31T13:00:00.001-05:00

A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: ' Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only
animals which resemble men in their behavior???

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to
it and see how horny it gets just as men do'.

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla
begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it
wanted to break free.

'See - says the woman - 'Now I know why you react the way you do, men
can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't'.

Says Mark : 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens'.

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited
and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark : 'This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around
and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen'!!!

The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla
which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs
the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: ' Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me'!!!

Mark replies: 'Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me:

That you don't feel like it

That you have a headache

That you're tired

That your throat is aching

That it is still too early

That I must understand you as a woman

That you are depressed

That you are in one of those days

That you are having a very busy week

That all you need is just to cuddle up

That you're tensed up

That you have to wake up very early tomorrow

That you woke up very early today

That you walked for long and your feet are aching

That caresses and hugs is all that you want today

That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax

That you feel like watching TV

That you don't wanna miss the soapies

That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair

Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you
can persuade it, then I'll accept that Gorillas and men are same and I
promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses'!

Greek Vs Italian

2011-10-31T12:58:00.001-05:00

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.The
Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."Arching his eyebrows, the Italian
replies, "We have the Coliseum."The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave
birth to advanced mathematics"The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."And so on and so on until the Greek
comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says, "We invented sex!"The Italian replies, "That is
true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

2011-10-31T12:57:00.001-05:00

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give
me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"

Management Course

2011-10-28T09:13:00.001-05:00

5 Minute Management Course 5 Lessons to Learn

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone..

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I
want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

``` Some interesting facts ```

2011-10-28T09:11:00.001-05:00

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's
clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is
easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because
wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on
the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained
since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and
is pronounced, approximately,' mayday.'
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis became popular, round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French
for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans
(mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a
buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If
a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he
would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by
offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was
safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it
simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or
clink the host's glass with his own.
Q : Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by
burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the
theatrical performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on
cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis,
King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he
had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To
make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played,
Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked
this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the
long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet
is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have
notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing
gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small
quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars
are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels
aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough
to shave.

So there! Now you know! Almost everything?

Friday humour

2011-10-28T09:10:00.001-05:00

Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."

CASHIER: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?"

Cowboy: "NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!"

Jewish arranged Marriages

2011-10-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is
unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their
son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a
long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they
want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of
requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to
visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has
found. He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt
Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by
heart,
and she's a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large
family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get
excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:
'Is she any good in bed?'
The marriage broker answers,
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Some say yes, some say no

‎'MOTHER' - Job Description

2011-10-24T09:32:00.007-05:00

POSITION : MOTHER, MUM,MOM, MOMMY, MAMA, MA, AMMA, AMMI

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs some money.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 kmph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that passing matric will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

THE VALUE, LIFE TIME DEDICATION AND HARD LABOUR, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
OF
"THE MOTHER"

A letter from Goldman Sachs concerning occupy wall street

2011-10-24T09:32:00.006-05:00

October 18, 2011

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released
today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the
protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean,
however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands
have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep
discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests.
And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose
investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as
they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the
capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there's
plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that
are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons
and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as
clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are
making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for
broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials
necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say "Let them eat cake."
But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake
futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation,
the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As
the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs
Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, "Occupy this." We
haven't felt so good about something we've sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

Friends are like Knickers

2011-10-24T09:31:00.007-05:00

Friends are like knickers, some crawl up your arse...Some snap under
pressure...Some don't have the strength to hold you up...Some get a
little twisted...Some are your favorite...Some are holey...Some are
cheap and just plain nasty...And some actually do cover your arse when
you need them too !!

Raisin Bread

2011-10-24T09:31:00.006-05:00

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the
counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the
unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that
she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it
raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.

"100 Camels"

2011-10-19T09:35:00.003-05:00

Ghaffar Bhai and Fatima Bai, were sitting outside a Mall
A rich Arab Sheikh approached them.
After salaams, he asked where they were from.
"Pakistan," Ghaffar Bhai replied.
Looking at his wife, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Ghaffar Bhai looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the Arab left, the wife said "Ghaffar that was sooo romantic but
what took you so long to answer?
Ghaffar Bhai replied…
"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back to Karachi."

SOFTWARE TESTING

2011-10-17T09:31:00.001-05:00

A university scholar, Mr. John Smith approaches his friend a
software-testing guru telling him that he has a Bachelor in
programming,
and now would like to learn the software testing to complete his
knowledge and to find a job as a software tester. After summing him up
for a few
minutes, the software-testing guru told him "I seriously doubt that
you are ready to study software testing. It's the serious topic. If
you wish
however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test
I will help teach you software testing. "

The young man agrees. Software testing guru holds up two fingers "Two
men come down a chimney.
One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face.
Which one washes his face?

The young man stares at the software-testing guru. "Is that a test in
Logic?" software testing guru nods.
"The one with the dirty face washes his face," He answers wearily.

"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the
simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the
clean face
and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the
one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with
the
clean face washes his face."

"Very clever" Says Smith. "Give me another test"

The software-testing guru again holds up two fingers "Two men come
down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes
out with a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"

"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his face is
clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty
face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face
washes his
face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean
face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his
face"

"I didn't think of that!" Says Smith. " It's shocking to me that I
could make an error in logic. Test me again!."

The software-testing guru holds up two fingers "Two men come down a
chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with
a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Each one washes his face"

"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his
face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the
dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean
face sees
that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also
doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face".

Smith is desperate. "I am qualified to study software testing. Please
give me one more test"

He groans when the software-testing guru lifts his two fingers, "Two
men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other
comes
out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Neither one washes his face"

"Wrong. Do you now see, John, why programming knowledge is an
insufficient basis for studying the software testing? Tell me, how is
it possible for
two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a
clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see?

GUYS !!! Requirements for testers will look the same but expectations
from clients will vary every now and then…

when insults had class]

2011-10-15T09:46:00.001-05:00

       The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
      She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
      He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae
West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx

Worth Remembering

2011-10-15T08:24:00.001-05:00

Life would be perfect if anger had mute button, mistake had back
button, hard times had fast forward button and good times had pause
button,

Difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi – Einstein believed
everything is relative while Karunanidhi believes relatives are
everything,

A bird asked Bee you work so hard to make honey and people steal,
don't you feel bad? Bee said that I don't feel bad as they can never
steal my art of making honey,

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us,

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only few people can hold it,

The happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts but
quality of our thought depends on the people we have in our life,

We get lot of unconditional love when we are born and lots of
unconditional respect when we die. We just have to manage the time in
between.

Lipstick in School.........

2011-10-12T09:35:00.001-05:00

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators !

Height of Miscommunication and it's COST............

2011-10-11T09:36:00.001-05:00

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he called a baker and ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him on the phone what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are
getting better".

The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said
'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top
and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at
the message on the cake.

It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better
at the bottom"

Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof- read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it correctly for you.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone

Wives

2011-10-11T09:35:00.001-05:00

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life...
The wives want both!

====

Marriage is like a Public Toilet.
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are
desperate to come out.

====

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.

Searching these keywords on Google : `How to tackle wife?'
Google search result :

`Good Day Sir, Even we are searching`.

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says
the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

It takes thousand workers to build a castle, million soldiers to
protect a country,
but just one woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt : All girls are devils, but my wife
is the queen------------
of Them

Jokes banned in Pakistan

2011-10-09T15:20:00.001-05:00

Pakistan's president Zardari has tasked his country's top
investigation agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward
funny or derogatory text messages about the country's president.
Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari will now become liable
for a 14-year jail sentence.
Temporarily, many Pakistanis who have so far been enjoying sending and
reading funny text messages about their president have reverted to
sending messages without any mention of Zardari. Bloggers and
mainstream Pakistani media have called the new rules 'draconian' and
many others contended that such laws would actually encourage further
ridicule of the Pakistani president who is consistently portrayed in
these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani
establishment:

1. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line
that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns
after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him", everyone asks him.
"No, that line is longer than this one", he replies.

2. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari."
Robber: "OK. Give me all my money."

3. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding
$5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you
can. I have donated five liters."

4. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has
officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are
confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

5. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an
upright position. Thank you….

6. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes
and long jury trials
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.

7. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.

XXX Deaf sex

2011-10-04T15:27:00.001-05:00

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want
to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife
That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.

Out of the box Answers ...........................

2011-09-30T16:33:00.001-05:00

Think Outside the Box

Below are few Interview Questions, which were asked in HR Round. Be
careful while you answering, No one will GET second chance to impress.

Very Impressive Questions and Answers …

Question 1: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you
see three people waiting for a bus; An old lady who looks as if she is
about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect
partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that
there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first;

* Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my Old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait
for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think outside the Box."

Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"

The candidate who was selected answered, "I will not get a better
match for my sister than you sir."

Question 3: Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one
morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.

Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.

Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she
managed it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said
later when asked.

Question 4: Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate.
Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is
before you?

Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"

He got selected.

You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that
coffee was kept before.

{Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet) and Reply
was "TEA" (T - alphabet)}

Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"

Question 5: The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last
question of the interview. Please tell me the exact position of the
center of this table where u have kept your files."

Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table
and told that this was the central point at the table.

Interviewer asked how did you get to know that this being the central
point of this table, then he answers quickly that sir you are not
likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question that you
promised to ask.

And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness.

Taxi driver

2011-09-28T09:50:00.001-05:00

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....the taxi driver
figured that they were not in their right minds......so, he just
switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them
: "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them
must have realized that the car didn't move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed next time you got here so
quick you almost killed us....."

Leave me alone

2011-09-27T14:06:00.001-05:00

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the
middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the worst times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please ........... go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a torch?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do
it yourself!!

Now, what were you expecting??

XX - Wicked Ones.....!!!!

2011-09-26T08:34:00.001-05:00

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair.

But I was able to come to terms with the whole thing by turning to religion.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 21 and her name is Jenny.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were
shouting "Paedophile!"

and other nasty names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops --

although they do make me look a bit gay.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job.
I said to him, "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop
before you're banned from
teaching altogether."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit-cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, and went anyway
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life values

2011-09-26T08:33:00.001-05:00

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men
please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth
living."

The bartender was crushed to death.