XX ADULT PUNS!

In my dream,
I was at an Internet cafe when my server went down on me.

Paul was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop
dead gorgeous woman.
He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped
open and he was drooling.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her
outfit.
She said,
"Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Paul replied,
"No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."

Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether
or not it's fitting for young male gynaecologists to look up old
girlfriends.

Keith Richards said he apologizes for saying in his autobiography, "Life",
that Mick Jagger's penis is "nothing to write home about."
Now, I don't know about you folks, but other guys' penises is not what I
would chose to write home about.
"Dear Mom, guess what I saw in the locker room today?"

Things you learn in Porn films:
Men don't have to beg.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there
lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,
"Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence.
The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the
dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan'. This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the
guilty party confess and apologize now. Right here, before my flock of loyal
followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to
one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Said the astronomer to his assistant:
"You need to clean the telescope better. There's a smudge on it. It makes it
look like Uranus is dirty."

A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men
at a table and starts talking to them.
The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says,
"I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without
spilling a drop."
The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet.
The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and
the bar.
He pisses on everything but the shot glass.
When he is finished the bartender says,
"Well, I guess you owe me $500."
The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender
$500 the bartender then asks,
"How did you get that money from them?"
The man replies,
"Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and
you wouldn't get mad."

Did you hear about the gay burglar?
He couldn't blow the safe,
So, he went down on the elevator.

A guy goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer
AND a shot.
"Big night?" asked the barkeep.
"I'll say. I just had my first blow job tonight!"
The bartender says
"That's great! These drinks will be on the house!"
As he puts them down, the guys says
"Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.

Why did the little Greek boy want to run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why didn't the little Greek boy run away from home after all?
He didn't want to leave his brothers behind.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

It takes many nails to build a crib
But
One screw to fill it.

A Canadian man was attacked by a black bear while sitting on the "throne" in
an outhouse.
Actually, the bear did the man a favour–he was constipated, and the bear
scared the crap out of him.

Viagra has been such a hit in Taiwan that during elections a candidate was
giving away free pills to win votes.
This candidate got votes the hard way.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been married a
little over four years and was celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary.
I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was.
He said,
"I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden."

Things you learn in Porn films:
Nurses routinely suck patients cocks.

The first said,
"He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive
jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis
bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well... Yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those
carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

Husband:
"I want to make love with you in the worst way."
Wife:
"You've been doing that for years!"

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing
about who might've designed the human body. The first one said,
"It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers
and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said,
"No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves
are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical
engineer."
Then, the third one said,
"No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line
through a recreational area?"

The difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo is at a straight
rodeo they yell,
"Ride those suckers!"

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says,
"Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says,
"I'm sorry, I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says,
"It's in my yard, and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says,
"I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back
and throws it into the yard.
The man says,
"What is that for?"
The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two
balls."

How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees!

"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends."
the girl told her maiden Aunt.
"Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a
'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited period.
However, there were no strings attached.

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Life

1. Life would be perfect if:
Anger had a mute button,
Mistake had a back button,
Hard times had a fast forward button
&
Good times had a pause button.

2. Difference between Einstein and Rajapaksha is:
Einstein believed everything is relative
While
Rajapakshas believe relatives are everything.

3. A bird asked a Bee,
'You work so hard to make honey and people steal, don't you feel bad?
Bee said,
'I don't feel bad as they can never steal my art of making honey'.

4. What lies behind us and what lies before us are:
Tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

5. Tongue weighs practically nothing,
But
Only few people can hold it.

6. The happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts
But
Quality of our thought depends on the people we have in our life.

7. We get lot of unconditional love when we are born
&
Lots of unconditional respect when we die.
We just have to manage the time in between.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

As to sex, she just wasn't that great,
So in bed, they played chess until late.
Wife did not want to screw.
What was hubby to do?
He was stuck with a real stalemate.
(Kirk Miller)

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being
a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says,
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

They kicked the midget out of the nudist colony,
Because
He was getting into everybody's hair.

A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and
exclaimed,
"Wowie!"
A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look.
She said,
"Oh, my God!"
Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall and moved her out of the way.
He took a look and said,
"I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!"

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and
find a cock there.

A minister who believed in the power of advertising had a sign in front of
his Church,
"If you are tired of sin, come in."
An enterprising young lady who also believed in advertising added to the
bottom of the sign,
"If you're not, call Cathy at 213-789-2654."

My sister is asthmatic.
Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call.
He said,
"Did I call you or did you call me?"

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cubs "Lovable
Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
In order to be able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on
the balls."

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King didn't cover his Whopper

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education.
Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, Farmer
Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw. I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly.
"After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education,
you still say ain't!"

Eva is talking to her best friend.
"I have to be damned careful not to get pregnant," Eva says.
"I thought your husband had a vasectomy," her friend says.
Eva replies,
"He did!"

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Wise quote on Management

"Change can't be given to you every time,

U must bring the change"

Great Quote .................

Who said this originally?

Pls  scroll  down


Pl scroll down
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Albert Silva
Bus Conductor
Route 134
Angoda


I know you did not follow it.

Please Now go back and read his quote,once again!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring

The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says;
"I bet you have a tight ass hole with no hair."
Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV; who shall I say is calling?"

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door
and yells,
"You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says,
"Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more
tail and she told me to go fly a kite."

The vet prescribed Viagra to the alligator for its reptile dysfunction.

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye!

Things you learn in Porn films:
When standing during a blow job,
A man will always place one hand firmly one the back of the kneeling woman's
head and the other proudly on his hip.

Keith Richards said he apologizes for saying in his autobiography,
"Life", that Mick Jagger's penis is "nothing to write home about."
Now, I don't know about you folks, but other guys' penises is not what I
would chose to write home about.
"Dear Mom, guess what I saw in the locker room today?"

You can tell a gay lives in the house.
On the doormat it says,
"Wipe your knees."

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a
rather cute young blonde girl sitting in the front row of his classroom.
Her name was Mitzi, and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking
class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class.
Mitzi assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added,
"This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at
all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Mitzi asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a
bolt?" the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Mitzi said,
"Kinda, but I'm not totally sure."
"Which one is confusing you?" asked the teacher.
"Well," said Mitzi, "since I've never been 'bolted'"


"I had to break up with my boyfriend. I caught him lying."
"Isn't that a bit overboard? At least give him a chance to explain."
"Oh no! I caught him lying in bed one top of another woman."

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XXXXX ADULT PUNS!

'Cuckold':
Somebody that somebody else really has it in for.

Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an Afro --
a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights. One such
fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that he'd also teased
all his pubic hair into the same bushy style. His wife, who had had it with
her spouse's endless posturing, sneered,
"Great! Just great| Now during foreplay, I'll have to look for a needle in a
haystack!"

What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually waits till the boy is thirteen before it comes on his face.

One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, William's dad took him aside.
"Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again, his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news.
"Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."
His mother just shook her head.
"Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your
father."

If you don't believe in oral sex,
Keep your mouth shut.

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the
counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked,
"What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women never have headaches or periods.

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few
remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie
face down on the floor, behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor
facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a
stick-up, not an office party!"

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
But every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings
tears to your eyes.

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

The difference between a 69 and driving in the fog is
When driving in the fog, you can't see the ass hole in front of you.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Faye,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope
play,
And I'll show you a home filled with all kinds of shit.

Contrary to popular belief,
Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

The manager of a superstore was making mad passionate love to his secretary
on his office desk, when unexpectedly, in walked the managing director of
the company.
"Do you know who I am," bellowed the MD?
The manager stopped what he was doing, turned round, stared at the MD, and
sharply replied:
"I don't freaking believe it! You're the third guy this week that's walked
into my office suffering from amnesia!"


There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to play
cards.
Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is being
remodeled.
Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living room with no
more than a paper spread over their laps.
Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Pricilla.
After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses."
While in the powder room Pricilla looks at Penny and says
"Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as
we were playing poker?"
Penny replied
"Pricilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the
parlor as we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

"Doctor, won't you please kiss me ?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics,"
replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't
even be screwing you."

What is the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium,
Eight inches is rare.

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at
the age of 19.
Today, she was asking her Aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy, and I
need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my
boyfriend."
"Swallow it." her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later
on."

He held her close against him, a warm glow of satisfaction covering them
both.
"Am I the first man you've ever made love to?" he asked.
She studied him reflectively.
"You might be," she said. "Your face looks very familiar."

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Why men are never depressed!!!!!!

Men Are Just Happier People:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.  A five-day holiday requires only
one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack.  Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You never have strap problems in public..
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.. You can do
Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now
Two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

Analogy:
The study of ass holes.

In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man who got his manhood
stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
The man told authorities his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely
sexual.
He didn't want any attachments.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

Two old friends met at the golf course.
"Hey, how's it going?" asked the first.
"Not so good," answered the second. "My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible!" said the first. "What happened?"
The second replied,
"I made a five and half footer on the eighteen green."
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" asked the first.
The second replied,
"It wasn't a putt, It was a brunette."

Limbaugh Inspirational Thought of the Day:
Sluts & Marriage:
"A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin.
If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed."

A man was sitting on his front porch one morning while a young couple was
moving in next door.
The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and
proceeded to set it up in the back yard.
Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes.
After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a
pillow and gave them to her husband.
She then proceeded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.
The man couldn't believe what he was seeing,
So, he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind.
"Look at you," he said, "Sacking out in your hammock while your wife does
all the work. You ought to be hung!"
The neighbour replied,
"I am, my friend.I am"

Things you learn in Porn films:
Men are never impotent.


Zundell comes home from Yeshiva, and asks his father,
"Papa what's fornication?"
 Papa gets embarrassed, and suggests Zundell should ask Mama.
Zundell goes to the kitchen and asks Mama,
"Mama, what's fornication?"
Mama says,
"Go and ask Bubby, she'll tell you."
Zundell goes to Bubby, and asks,
"Bubby what's fornication?"
Bubby says,
"Come here, Tatallah."
She leads him to her closet, opens the door, takes out a beautiful gown, and
says,
"This, Tatellah, is for-an-occasion!"

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage
direction.
In my script it clearly said,
"Enter Juliette from the rear."

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Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding,

the millions around the world saw that Prince William

chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat.


Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.

They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question
him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked

"Why do you British officers all wear red coats?


Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot
at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that
the reason


British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood
won't show,

and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward,

all French Army officers wear brown trousers..

So - now you know.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was an old man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
And awoke in a boat full of goo.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you  lose
your house.

A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with
his teacher.
Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son,
"I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm proud of
you son. You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long. I'm
going to take you out and buy it for you today."
His son says,
"Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow. My ass is
still sore."

Confucius Say:
Pedophile's love Halloween because of "Free home delivery".

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and
said:
"Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered:
"Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

Horizon:
A Prostitute getting out of bed.
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a
witness.
The defence attorney asked,
"Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs
here, right?"


For a few years an old gentleman had been fighting a persistent plantar wart
on the ball of his foot and big toe.
He'd tried everything -- over-the-counter treatments, soaking, pumice
stones, and freezing.
In desperation, he asked his new doctor about the problem, and the doctor
suggested he put duct tape on it.
When he got home, he looked up duct tape for wart treatment and found that
it is as good if not better than other treatments,
So he put duct tape on it.
Two weeks later the wart was gone.
The next time he saw the doctor, he thanked him and asked if there was
anything that duct tape can't fix.
The doctor paused a second, and without looking up said,
"Erectile dysfunction."

Blondes prefer cars with sunroofs because they have more leg room.

Two little boys were engaging in the traditional verbal battle of little
boys everywhere:
"My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
'My brother is better than your brother!"
"No, he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
A pause.
"Well, I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius Say;
A kiss one the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an
early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town one a business trip,
there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly
gasps,
"We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't
trust me!"

Titanic:
A lady who goes down first time out.

Two elderly ladies are sitting one the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies,
"Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks,
"What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies,
"I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
None!
Real men are not afraid of the dark.

My mom's a teacher,
So, she was real strict with me and my brother.
She was like,
'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.'
And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything.
She said,
"You're going to college."


Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type,"
Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with
curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,"
explained Faba to her friend. Mujo giggles, and asked,
"So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he
took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began
an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis."
"What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical
terminology.
"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much
smaller!"

Sign at a public pool:
"OOL:
You'll note that there's no pee in our pool.
Please keep it that way"

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a
little chat.
He said,
"Mike, let me tell you something. One my wedding night in our honeymoon
suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try
these on.'' She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them. I
replied, "Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever
since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike.
He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,
"Karen try these on."
She tried them one and said,
"These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said,
"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want
you to ever forget that."
Then, Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.
She said,
"Here, you try on mine."
Mike did and said,
"I can't get into your panties."
Karen said,
'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Barbie has never been pregnant because Ken comes in a different box.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making.
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a
luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a
one night stand.
But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said.
"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think
they call this 'deja screw'."

I told my kids,
"Look, you guys, if someone comes up to you at school and says,
'Is your mom gay?' Look them square in the face and say, 'Why? Does your mom
want to date her?'"

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking
her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman.
"That's the only night I'm home with my husband.

Cuckold:
Somebody that somebody else really has it in for.

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her
eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," replied the lad. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile.
"And with whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "Don't you see how
silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday, but
not a child!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

At the end of a Levitra commercial it warns,
"In the rare instance that an erection should last more than four hours seek
immediate medical attention."
For whom?

The city school board in Grantsburg, Wisconsin has revised its science
curriculum to allow the teaching of Creationism. Omitting, however, what
most Bible-Belters believe were Adam's first words to Eve:
"Stand back, Honey. I have no idea how long this thing will get!"

What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
"I feel like a kid again!"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly
masturbating.
Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get
himself off.

A Christian family, comprising mom, dad and daughter were sitting around the
dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honoured guest.
The mom told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating
dinner already.
The daughter hesitated,
"But Mom!"
After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer.
She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm.
She was also screaming,
"Oooh, God! Ooooh, Jimmy! Oooh, God! Jimmy! Oh God, oh God!"
All of a sudden, her mother stopped her.
"What's gotten into you?"
She seemed embarrassed and surprised.
The daughter then said to her mother,
"What? That's what I hear you pray!"

Confucius Say:
Learn to masturbate.
It comes in handy.

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly,
"Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just playing
against yourself.
This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round.
When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of
young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.
From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?"
We checked out that night.

How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.

Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day.
Basically, he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more
than that.
So, he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn
more about them.
As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms
for sale.
The pharmacist replied,
"Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."
Johnny replied, I'll take three then."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to
one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said,
"Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they were
three for a dollar."
The pharmacist replied,
"That's the tax we put on them."
Little Johnny said,
"Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

"Well," exclaimed the young woman as she and her date left the movie
theater,
"That certainly was exciting! I wonder if the film was any good.

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Mother's day

Four brothers  became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the Mother's day  gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It
took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

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Quotes by Yogi Berra

Berra, who quit school after the eighth grade,[1] has a tendency
towardmalapropism and fracturing the English language. "It ain't over till
it's over" is arguably his most famous example, often quoted.

Simultaneously denying and confirming his reputation, Berra once
stated, "I really didn't
say everything I said.

Here are the best Yogi Berra quotes spoken by one of America's favorite
baseball players.

It ain't over till it's over.

This is like deja vu all over again.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat
six.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

The future ain't what it used to be.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.

Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded.

I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the
field). They had bags over their heads.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because
you might not get there.

I don't want to make the wrong mistake.

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop
them?

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice
there is.

Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save
postage stamps? Not me."

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off
the streets.

Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't
look so hot yourself."

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I
did.

"That ain't the way to spell my name."--After he got a check that read 'Pay
to bearer'.

How can you hit and think at the same time?

You can observe a lot just by watchin'

Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

When asked what time it is: "Do you mean now?"

For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players to: "Pair off in
threes."

Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" Yogi: "If the
guy was poor, I'd give it back."

I usually take a two hour nap from one to four.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in
the second half you give what's left.

I never said most of the things I said.

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Wife like a Moon

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...


Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

What did the teacher do for the girl who was having trouble with sex
education?
He kept her in class and pounded it into her.

AiRPLANE BLONDE:
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said.
He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames.
"Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the
frame over, studied the back and said to the woman,
"Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"

Things you learn in Porn films:
Men always pull out.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less
attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look
larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Husband:
"I want to make love with you in the worst way."
Wife:
"You've been doing that for years!"

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex
life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

It's called the Wonder Bra because when you take it off
You wonder where her boobs went.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was
about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who
was going to perform the operation and said,
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied,
"Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her
heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied,
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do
with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 18 years and hasn't
rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

The medieval prostitute worked six knights a week.

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Aphorism:

Aphorism:

A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a
general truth.


The nicest thing about the future is...
That it always starts tomorrow.


Money will buy a fine dog,
But
Only kindness will make him wag his tail.


If you don't have a sense of humour,
You probably don't have any sense at all.


Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.


A good time to keep your mouth shut is
When you're in deep water.


How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
To become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?


Business conventions are important. . .
Because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.


Why is it that at class reunions
You feel younger than everyone else looks?


Scratch a cat . . .
&
You will have a permanent job.


No one has more driving ambition than
The teenage boy who wants to buy a car.


There are no new sins;
The old ones just get more publicity.


There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. -
Like,
It could be the right number.


No one ever says,
"It's only a game"
When their team is winning.


I've reached the age where
'happy hour' is a nap.


Be careful about reading the fine print. . . .
there's no way you're going to like it.


The trouble with bucket seats is that
Not everybody has the same size bucket.


Do you realize that,
In about 40 years,
We'll have thousands of old people running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)


Money can't buy happiness --
But
Somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
A Cadillac than in an Uno.


After 60,
If you don't wake up aching in every joint,
You're probably dead.


Always be yourself
Because
The people that matter don't mind . . . .
And
The ones that mind don't matter.


Life isn't tied with a bow . . .
But it's still a gift.


Remember...
Politicians and diapers should be changed often
&
For the same reason.

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Letter of recommendation

If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here
are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

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BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE.

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.


WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent
indoor
... .....................................................................
  "Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
........................................................................
  A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
................................................................
  Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
  It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
...........................................................................
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
  .................................................................
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
...................................................................
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
  Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
  ....................................................................
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.
"Christian or Muslim?" the salesman inquires.
The man asks,
"What's the difference?"
The salesman says,
"The Muslim one blows herself up."

Joan on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer
programmer sitting next to her.
"Where are you going?" asks Joan.
"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."
Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport.
"How was the flight?" he asks.
"Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for."
"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"
"He didn't have any testicles."
"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"
"Because," says Joan, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."

I'm not saying she's easy,
But she's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling
dirty pictures.
"But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said,
"Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded,
"Don't be such a a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in
love?"

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to,
'pleasure' himself.
He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens
his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what
he's just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes
him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So, the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander
round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar,
"Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies
the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

To cancel an appointment at the sperm bank,
Call them up and tell them you can't come.

A teenager shares a room with his kid brother -- he's got the upper bunk and
the kid has the lower bunk.
One night, the teenager sneaks a girl into the bedroom and begins
having sex with
her in the top bunk.
She starts getting loud, so worried, he whispers:
"Look, don't be going 'harder,' 'deeper,' my brother might hear and tell on
us. If you want it harder say 'tomatoes,' and if you want it deeper say
'lettuce.'"
So they're going at it hot and heavy and she's screaming
"LETTUCE!" "TOMATOES!" "LETTUCE."
Next morning, the kid says to his brother
"Hey, next time you make sandwiches in the bedroom, be more careful -- last
night you dripped mayonnaise all over me!

A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano.
A wise man gives his wife an upright organ.

A Hillbilly walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist if they carried
birth control pills.
The pharmacist informed the man that they did, but also told him they were
for women.
The man acknowledged that he knew that, that they were for his twelve year
old daughter.
The pharmacist asked,
"Is your daughter sexually active?"
The man thought for a moment and responded,
"No, she just lays there like her mother."

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Dying for Sex!!!!!

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent
heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and
the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a
mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything
had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought
he was coming, but I guess he was going."

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Mervin - for SL only

In Parliament, Mervin Silva during his speech, narrated a story.....

"There was a Father who gave 100 rupees each to his three sons and asked
them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

The First son, bought Hay  for Rs. 100  but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Second son, went & bought Cotton for Rs. 100  but couldn't fill the room
entirely.

Third son, bought a Candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up...  and instantly the
room was filled with light completely."

The Mervin added, "Our President is like the third son. From the day he has
taken charge, our Country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"

 A voice from the opposition, JVP : " Then where is the remaining balance of
Rs. 99?"

Mervin : Ado Ammata ....

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
A West Virginia Vibrator

Sam was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he asked Annie, she simply said,
"It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled Sam.
"In bed," Annie explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."

A lion was addicted to Internet smut for many years.
When his computer crashed one day, he decided to finally become Porn Free.

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking
one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan
plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she
got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and
squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Balsam:
To screw around a little.

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large
thighs or women with thin thighs.
The results were pretty surprising.
10 percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10 percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80 percent preferred what's in-between.

A new report found that high schools across the country are not doing enough
to teach kids about safe sex.
But on the bright side, it looks like we're getting a fifth season of 'Teen
Mom'.

A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it over
a beautiful woman gets out.
She is clearly under the influence, but just to make sure he gives her the
breathalyzer test.
Sure enough, she's over the limit,
So, the trooper says,
"Madam, you've had a couple of stiff ones.
"Oh," says the lady, "it shows that too?"

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and coming, and
coming.

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I FIXED THE

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year`s Eve party.    We
turned on a night light, switched the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.    The car arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out of the door, the cat scoots back into the house.    We
didn`t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn`t want the cab driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the driver that I will be out soon, "He`s just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab.   "Sorry I took so long,"  I said
as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.    I had to poke her arse with
a coat hanger to make her come out!     She tried to take off so I grabbed
her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.    But
it worked!   I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her out into
the backyard!
She`d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
 The silence in the cab was deafening!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Underwater sex can be tricky.
Every submarine captain knows that failing to properly secure a hatch can
result in an unwanted discharge of sea men.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him.
Afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Mistress:
Someone who's halfway between a mister and a mattress.

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and
she made a point of calling her dates attention to it over and over again
throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said,
"You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my
attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at
dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that were here alone in my
apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

Cure for haemorrhoids, a real pain in the ass?
A real Jalapeño in the ass. (Rich Orwell)

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break
room.
Making matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn't know any of this back story,
So, I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the
community board:
"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found
my clothes."

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean
You have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating
several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So, the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got
married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would Cheetah be?
Pregnant.

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Going thru Customs

Getting a hair dryer through customs

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,
instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express
the truth differently without lying.

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?''

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is
unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

'When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a Fuck.

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
 'What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, She just said, "I can't believe I have a per son inside me!"
I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

Just because you are getting older does not mean that you are getting weaker
and less intelligent;
They are just making things harder to open.
For example, women's thighs.

A woman asked her doctor,
"What is a good time for sex?"
The doctor winked and then replied,
"Between 12 noon and 1 PM."
Surprised, the woman asked,
"And how it is that, doctor?"
The doctor, smiling, responded,
"Well, that is the time my nurse goes to lunch."

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male
flight attendant.
At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced
"The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary
plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked
you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply.
Now the attendant was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the
tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said
"In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied
"Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch!
So put the tray up!"

According to research,
Sex during pregnancy is always safe unless your wife comes home and catches
you.

Three old friends were chatting late into the night and eventually they went
to sleep along side to each other.
Morning came!
The guy who slept next to the window was awaken by the morning sun and said,
"Gee, I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young and
beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night." The guy who slept on
the other side said,
"That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in
Hawaii. I met a beautiful blond and she was giving me the best hand-job
ever!"
The guy who slept in the middle was awaken by the conversation.
"Morning guys", he said. "Did you guys sleep well? I sure did. I dreamt of
the time where we all went downhill skiing in the mountains. It was great!"

Artificial insemination:
Impregnation without representation.

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IMMUTABLE LAWS

Law of Documented Relativity
Nothing is as easy as it seems or as difficult as the manual makes it out to
be.


Law of Time Management
Everything takes longer than the amount of time you have available to do it
in.


Law of the Indirect Search
The quickest way of finding something is by looking for something entirely
different.


The "Wait for me while I write it down" Law.
If you have a pen, you don't have paper.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen.
If you have both, nobody answers.


Law of Telephone Priority
If you dial a wrong number, it will never be engaged.


The Principle of Archimedes Updated
Any body submerged in a bath makes the telephone ring.


Law of Gravity
If you manage to remain calm when all around you are losing their heads,
You presumably don't understand the gravity of the situation.


Law of Experience
A well's depth is only known by he/ she who falls into it.


Definition of a Specialist
1) A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less.
2) An advanced specialist is someone who knows everything about absolutely
nothing.


Practical Guide to Modern Science:
If you can mix it, it belongs to Biology.
If it stinks, it belongs to Chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it belongs to Physics.
If nobody understands it, it's Mathematics.
If it is not applicable it is Economics or Psychology.


The Law of Courses, Exams and the like:
1) If the course you most want to be on has space for X students,
You can be sure that on registering for the course you will be x+1.
2) 80% of the final exam will be based on the one class that you missed or
on the only book you didn't read.
3) All teachers work on the basis that you have nothing else to do besides
study their speciality.


Law of the Essay Writer
The most valuable quotation will be the one in which you left out the
author's name in the footnotes.


Law of Units of Measurement
"One size only" means that it does not suit any size.


Law of Free Fall
1) Whatever force is used to try to grab a falling object will lead to more
damage than if it were left to fall freely.
2) The probability of a slice of bread landing with the buttered side facing
down is directly proportional to the value of your carpet.


Law of Queues and Bottlenecks
The next queue along always advances faster than the one you are waiting in.
There is no point changing queue, the law doesn't change.


Law of Sticky Tape
There are two kinds of tape available:
The type that doesn't stick and
The type that can't be unrolled.


Laws of Life
1) A healthy person is someone who has been incorrectly diagnosed by his/her
doctor.
2) All the pleasures in life are either illegal, immoral or fattening.


Fundamental Law of Particle Attraction
Every flying particle will always find its way into an open  eye.


Law of Sod's Laws
If you believe that these laws express bitter existential pessimism,
This goes to show that you have still got a long way to fall.

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Helpful Hints!

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave.
If the chocolate melts, you will know that the microwaves are escaping
And
It is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock
Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that
it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw meat and rancid tuna.
It was found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled a person to lose 12
pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers:
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
Thus, reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes:
Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply
running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers:
Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your
ceiling.

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PONDERISMS:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods
Until
I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Garden Rule:
When weeding,
The best way to make sure you are removing a weed
&
Not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily,
It is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
Buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
No one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


In the 60's,
People took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird
&
People take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
But
It takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out?"


Who was the first person to say,
"See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
Why is there a song about him?


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
If he's going to look up there anyway?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a sh*t


Nymphomania:
An ailment in which the patient enjoys being bedridden.

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked,
"May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks,
"May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says,
"You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says,
"Oh, that's different. Send her in."

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavoured birth control pill for women
that they take immediately before sex? They're called 'Predickamints'

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Jim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't
have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the
floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.
 "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as
a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what
seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Jim replied.
She ran out of the room.

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Random Thoughts By Women

1) If men can run the world,
Why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

2) I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

3) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
Eating too much,
Impulse buying
&
Driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.

4) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
(and then they marry him.)

5) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I
said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen witch ... Do it and die."

6) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids,
But she doesn't really care.

7) Skinny people irritate me!
Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I just forget to eat,"
Now I've forgotten my address,
My mother's maiden name,
&
My keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

8) Amazing!
You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.

10) Sometimes, I think I understand everything,
Then, I regain consciousness.

11) Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
Along came today.

12) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
Your body and your fat are really good friends.

13) The nice part about living in a small town is that
When you don't know what you're doing,
Someone else does.

14) The best way to forget all your troubles is
To wear tight shoes.

15) My mind not only wanders,
It sometimes leaves completely.

16) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy
Can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

17) Women over 50 don't have babies
Because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

18) Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day,
Someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

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3HREE LAUGHS..

NO. 1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's
nipples while she was asleep.  The next day, their driver died of poisoning.

NO.2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His
son asked Dad why?  He answered so that when I am dead, no one will sleep
with your mum.

NO.3
A lady lost three pairs of panties in her house and blamed her maid in front
of the husband. Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear
panties.

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X - The Magic Penis

           A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he
thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.  He went to a sex
shop and explained his situation.  The man there said, ' Well, I don't know
that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
except... The Magic Penis!'

           The husband said, 'The what'?

           The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,'  and pulled out what seemed
to be an ordinary dildo.

           The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

           The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis,  door!'

           The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and
started pounding away at the keyhole.  The whole door shook wildly with
vibrations, so much so,  that a crack began to form down the middle.
            Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis
stopped and returned to the box.

           The husband bought it  and took it home to his wife.

           After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered
the Magic Penis.  She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my
vagina.'

           The penis shot to her crotch.  It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough.  She tried to pull it  out, but it was stuck.  Her husband
had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got
in her car and started for the closest hospital.

            On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve
all over the road.  A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her
over.  He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

           Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to
drink officer.  You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch
and it won't stop screwing me.'



           The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
replied, 'Yeah right...  Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

           The rest, as they say, is history...

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said,
"You mean that isn't your finger?"


A man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life.
They break up and he wants it back.
She hands him a tampon and says:
"Here, I'll pay you monthly."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
'90!' replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Did you hear about the medieval prostitute who worked six knights a week?

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and
down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied,
"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said,
"Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom."

Things you learn in Porn films:
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving
her a gentle slap on the butt.

Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes
into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home
and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb,
forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose
and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said,
"Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1
hole."
"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I
don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

If the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys,
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Three guys were sitting at the bar.
The first guy said,
"You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat.
She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said,
"I'm lucky, too.  My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.
She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment.
Then, the first guy said to the third guy,
"George  how's you wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied,
"I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."
"A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

The retired general said he had not had sex since 1956?
His friend said,
"That's a long time ago."
"I don't know," the general replied. "It's only 20.27 now."

It's John and Anne's 25th wedding anniversary and they are in the same hotel
room in which they spent their honeymoon. Anne looks seductively at John and
asks him,
"What were you thinking when you first saw me naked in this very room 25
years ago tonight?"
John says,
"I was thinking that I would like to screw your brains out and suck your
breasts dry."
Anne asks,
"And what are you thinking now as I'm standing naked in front of you after
25 years of marriage?"
John says,
"Looks like I did a good job of it."

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?"
"Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

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JEWISH CHRISTMAS

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and
sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late
and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all
excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and
Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk
by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for
Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year; Dad comes
home from the office.  We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's
toy factory.  When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves, and
begin to sing, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'.  Then we all go to the
Bahamas."

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A real woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...



No wait...Sorry.



I'm thinking of alcohol . It's alcohol that does all that .................


Never mind. Have a great day,regardless !

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Motor insurance claims

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye
on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood.
I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a
blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow.
The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge.
This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her
to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road.
I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing
My hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching.
I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside.
He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering.
I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a
different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was
struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times
before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed
into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the
corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if
the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle.
The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with
injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice.
She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine."
(The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port.
She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip
where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and
it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to
fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

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