Friday, September 30, 2011

Out of the box Answers ...........................

Think Outside the Box

Below are few Interview Questions, which were asked in HR Round.  Be
careful while you answering, No one will GET second chance to impress.

Very Impressive Questions and Answers …

Question 1: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you
see three people waiting for a bus; An old lady who looks as if she is
about to die.  An old friend who once saved your life.  The perfect
partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that
there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first;

* Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my Old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait
for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think outside the Box."

Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"

The candidate who was selected answered, "I will not get a better
match for my sister than you sir."

Question 3: Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one
morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.

Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.

Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she
managed it well.  Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said
later when asked.

Question 4: Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate.
Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is
before you?

Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"

He got selected.

You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that
coffee was kept before.

{Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet) and Reply
was "TEA" (T - alphabet)}

Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"

Question 5: The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last
question of the interview.  Please tell me the exact position of the
center of this table where u have kept your files."

Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table
and told that this was the central point at the table.

Interviewer asked how did you get to know that this being the central
point of this table, then he answers quickly that sir you are not
likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question that you
promised to ask.

And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness.

Read More...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Taxi driver

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....the taxi driver
figured that they were not in their right minds......so, he just
switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them
: "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
 but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them
must have realized that the car didn't move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed next time you got here so
quick you almost killed us....."

Read More...

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Leave me alone

                Husband:  Oh, come on.
                Wife:  Leave me alone!
                Husband:  It won't take long.
                Wife:  I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
                Husband:  I can't sleep without it.
                Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the
middle of the night?
                Husband: Because I'm hot.
                Wife: You get hot at the worst times.
                Husband:  If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
                Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
                Husband:  You don't love me anymore.
                Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
                Husband: Please ........... go on.
                Wife: All right, I'll do it.
                Husband: What's the matter? You need a torch?
                Wife:  I can't find it in the dark.
                Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
                Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
                Husband: Oh, yes.
                Wife:  Is it up far enough?
                Husband:  Yeah! that's good.
                Wife:  Right!  Now go to sleep.
                And the next time you want the bloody window open, do
it yourself!!

                Now, what were you expecting??

Read More...

Monday, September 26, 2011

XX - Wicked Ones.....!!!!

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair.

But I was able to come to terms with the whole thing by turning to religion.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 21 and her name is Jenny.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  The locals were
shouting "Paedophile!"

and other nasty names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops --

although they do make me look a bit gay.

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job.
I said to him, "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop
before you're banned from
 teaching altogether."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit-cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, and went anyway
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
 with me because she can't afford batteries

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read More...

Life values

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men
please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth
living."

The bartender was crushed to death.

Read More...

Angry Hubby..

Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an SMS to his
Mother-in-Law. "Your product is not matching my requirements."

Smart Mother-in-Law replies – "Warranty expired, manufacturer not
responsible after seal is broken."!!!

Read More...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

XXX - Damn! - English has changed so much !!!!!

 When I was 10 -
 rubber meant eraser,
 ass meant donkey,
 gay meant happy,
 straight meant linear,
 making out meant 'logical detection',
 Cock meant rooster,
 pussy meant cat,
 stag meant a male deer,
 prick meant a jab,
 poke meant a nudge,
 chick meant a baby hen,
 screw meant a carpenter's implement and
 a Tit was always for Tat!!

Read More...

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Politically correct joke?

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial
or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a
Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a
Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a
Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a
Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an
Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African
went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Read More...

Written by a woman on her 90th birthday

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Read More...

Friday, September 23, 2011

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon,

the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,

with great anticipation, crawled into bed,

only to find her new Catholic husband

had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why

he was apparently not going to make love to her,

he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed,

'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Read More...

What is your problem?

I am a single woman in my 30s, and I would like to have a baby on my
own. I don't want to go to a sperm bank —too anonymous—and I'm lucky
because I have four very acceptable guy friends, any of whom I think
would be a willing donor if I choose to go that route.

I've made lists of their various attributes, and they all basically
even out in the end. The only place where they really differ is in
their level of academic achievement, specifically where they went to
college. Two went to Ivy League schools (Harvard, Columbia), one went
to Duke, and one went to a second-tier state school, the University of
Kansas. I assume their undergraduate choices had to do with their SAT
scores (I don't know how they did on standardized testing, and I think
it might be rude to ask).

 So, those choices do seem pertinent. How much should I weigh this in
making my decision?

Dear D.S.,

To avoid making such a difficult decision---

I suggest you collect sperm from all four men, combine the donations
in a test tube, and inject this potent mixture using the traditional
turkey-baster method.

Whichever sperm outswims, outfights, or outfoxes the others will
fertilize your egg, which is as it should be, because I think the most
ruthless and mercenary sperm is axiomatically the best sperm for you.
I suspect that the University of Kansas sperm will win this
competition. Just look at the school's football program: while not on
a par with Auburn or LSU, it could crush Harvard or Columbia--Duke
guys would be too drunk.

Read More...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Four cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.


Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better.. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What
can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......


Ate the cookies........


Drank the milk.....


Sh*t on the paper.......


Scr**wed the other three cats........


Claimed he injured his back while doing so.


Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......


Put in for Workers Compensation..................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO
WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

Read More...

Sex, Super Sex and Love..

The difference between sex, super sex and love...good one...
Girl asks her mother: What is sex?

Mother: Sex is when you stop a car driven by a man who offers you a
meal in a restaurant, and then you  spend some time with him in the
hotel room, have sex with him once, and then each one go on his way
and you have a hundred dollars bill extra in your pocket.

Then the girl asks her mother: What is Super Sex?

Mother: Super sex is when you stop a limousine driven by Chauffeur and
a stylish man is sitting in the back who takes you to a luxurious
villa, gives you a sumptuous meal with distinctive Caviar...and then
you spend the night together in bed and engage in sex more than once,
and then you part with an envelope containing a thousand dollars in
your pocket.

And then the girl asks her mother: What is love?

Mother: Love is a lie 'invented by men' so that they can have sex with
you for free.

Read More...

Monday, September 19, 2011

A moral tale

Blonde Cowboy ........

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a
blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy
hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking
around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks
me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now
go to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'


Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist

Read More...

YOU CAN READ...CAN'T YOU ?

A test for you…

Let's test the way you think:

thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth?

Nah, me neither.

Read More...

Blonde Jokes

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door
neighbor's dog..


It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde
jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes
downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says,  "The
dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it! "

===================

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie?  They had gone to see "closed for the Winter."

====================

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency
room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?""No, Silly" the blonde said.

"First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, I just paid $6,
000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I
thought, I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought this is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled
the trigger."

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.


So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe... Nothing happened... So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, "What are you doing?" The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.


The roommate rolled her eyes & said, "Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the
clerk to ask what it was.


The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot, and
cold things cold."


"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So she
bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.


Her boss saw it on her desk.  "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,"
she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popsicles & some coffee."

Read More...

Ohh those Irish!

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess
the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.

My wife won twice last week.'

 

Read More...

Estrogen. to those uninitiated...

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline

     irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure.

     Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"


   1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
   2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
   3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
   4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
   5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says:

      "How's my driving-call 1- 800-***-****
   6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
   7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
   8. You're e not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a bitch
   9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Read More...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

"Night School" in Slave Island

The following narrated long years ago ............................

This was in the 1940s in a so called "Night School" in Slave Island
where impoverished gentlemen working in Colombo taught English after
work in the evenings to earn an extra buck. You have to thus picture a
small dimly lit shed-like building with little or no ventilation and
the students from near-by slum-like houses. Effect is better if you
can read this aloud with a Tamil accent with a 'sh' for 's' and hard
'r'.


Two students, obviously after an argument. approach the teacher as he
walks in to the class
One student: Shir, this Muttu here telling E, G, G is 'heg'. But shir
I tell it ish 'heig'. Shir, I right no?
Teacher: Adey, you are both wrong........... E, G, G is 'yegg'.


Teacher: Klaash - Whot ish an Island?
Klash (sorry Class): - - - (silent....)
Teacher: Adey, an Island ish a piesh of land, entierly shurrounded by waater.

Teacher: Whot ish a lek?
Class: A lek ish a pish of waater, entirely shurrounded by land.

Teacher: Goood, whot ish a peninshula?
Class: - - - (silent.........)
Teacher: Adey, a peninshula is a piece of land, three shides
shurrounded by waater and one shide by land.

Teacher: Now, whot is a beach?
Class: - - - (silent.........)...........then a hand comes up in a back row....
Teacher: Thambi, you tell da klaash, you tell.
-
-
-
-
Thambi: Shir, a Bitch ish a female daag entirely shurrounded by male
daags..........

Read More...

The Ventriloquist and the Blond

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes routine.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair land
starts shouting;

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a woman's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. It's
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women in general... and all in the name
of humour!!!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde
yells, 'you stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your
knee!'

Read More...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eyewitness

A man with a gun went into a bank and  demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a  customer and asked, 'Did
you see me rob this bank?'

The man  replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him and
killing him  instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and  asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man  replied, 'No sir, but my wife  did.

Read More...

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The story of Fred Dingaling

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker
a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
         'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
        The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'
I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied
hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted
to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got
my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS,
with VD. Well, the  ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my
DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Read More...

Friday, September 02, 2011

"Never too Old"

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
                                    "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"


WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTAL HYGIENIST...
I NOTICED HER DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HER FULL NAME.


SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, SEXY DARK-HAIRED GIRL WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD SHE BE THE SAME CHICK THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

         UPON SEEING HER, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS GRAY-HAIRED WOMAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE, WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE Heck!!!


             AFTER SHE CLEANED MY TEETH, I ASKED HER IF SHE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH  SCHOOL.

                               "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," SHE
GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

                                                "WHEN DID YOU
GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

                                          SHE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY
DO YOU ASK?"


                               "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.


SHE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY and  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, FAT,
GRAY, DECREPIT  BITCH ASKED,
                                                           "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
                           ""!!!

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English Language

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of  animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of Cows, a Flock of Chickens, a
School of Fish and a Gaggle of  Geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of Lions, a Murder of  Crows (as
well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an  Exaltation  of Doves
and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of Owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous,
most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least  intelligent  of
all primates.  And what is the proper collective noun for a group  of
baboons?  Believe it or not ....... a Congress! I guess that pretty
much explains the things that come out of Washington!

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Sewin on a wee button

Angus Broon of Glasgow , Scotland , comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ye be sewin on a wee button that's come
off of ma fly? I canna button ma troosers."

"Och Angus, I've got ma hands in the sink, go up the stairs and
see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ye with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
Yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a black eye and a bloody nose
comes Angus. Maggie looks at him and says, "My god Angus, what
happened tae ye? Did you ask her up the stairs like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

 

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Thursday, September 01, 2011

Think before you speak!!!

Wife goes to Woolworth, sees men's underwear on sale.
She buys a dozen of the same color.
Goes home and gives hubby.
Hubby protests, "Why buy me the same color?
People will think I do not change underwear!!
Wife asks,"Which people?"


 

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