Monday, January 31, 2011

XX - Adult Jokes!

A REDNECK LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.

But after telling pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe, and several MO
I know is yo' half brother."

But mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will, or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy."

A man goes into a Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replies,
"I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said,
"That's the one! I'll take a copy."

Oral Sects are religious groups that attempt to control your speech
but not your behaviour.

The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students
who did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences.
She really hated it when her girls missed their periods.

The doctor told Harry he could either walk a mile daily for exercise
or else spend an hour with a young lady in vigorous horizontal
exercise, and either would give him the workout he needed.
Harry chose the young lady, of course.
His best friend was skeptical of the medical benefits, but Harry had a
ready answer for him, which was,
"A Miss is as good as a Mile!"

Our local high school has an innovative new course.
It's called Intercourse;
You go between periods and you are expected to come.

The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be
"friends." the girl told her maiden Aunt.
"Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a
'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, Dearie, only not quite so often."

If I have sex with my clone, is that incest, homosexuality or masturbation?

Read More...

Friday, January 28, 2011

Puns of the Day...

Some folks think I'm in desperate straits
When my pun is so bad that it grates.
The word Euro, you see,
Quite appropriately,
Is the capital of many states.

The church welcomed all denominations but preferred tens and twenties

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a
notary public and have me certify personal documents.
One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title.
"I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here
because we heard you were notorious."

Headline:
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '09

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was
now a very militant atheist.
But he sent his son, Morris, to Trinity School because, despite its
denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular.
After a month, the boy came home and said casually,
"By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'"
The father could barely control his rage.
He seized his son by the shoulders and declared,
"Morris, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to
forget it. Forget the Trinity business. 'There is only one God, and we
don't believe in him!'"

The Sunday school teacher chased her boy friend all over the church
and finally caught him by the organ?

A friend introduced me to a woman and said,
"This is Jacob. He just got into the nursing program."
She looked at me and scoffed,
"A MALE nurse?!"
 Without missing a beat Jacob said,
"I applied to be a female nurse, but I didn't pass the physical."
Everybody but the woman laughed.

On an outing with residents from the long-term care facility where I
serve as chaplain, we passed through the countryside.
The residents were commenting on who had lived in the various homes.
Edna pointed out a farm place that was once home to a boy whom she had dated.
I looked at her and suggested that in her day she likely had to
"Beat the boys off with a stick!"
With a twinkle in her eye, Edna smiled and replied,
"Yes, I did, but I didn't."

The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform
the assigned experiments.
After a while, however, he reconsidered, and wended his maze.

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
 A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied,
"I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked,
"But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded,
"When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and
flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Barber:
"You seem to be losing a lot of hair. Are you doing anything about it?"
Customer:
"Yes. I'm getting a divorce."

Read More...

Sent by a good Catholic

No offence intended.


The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about
celibacy, he occasionally needed 'to

exercise the Papal wrist and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a
picture of the Holy seed flying

through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll
destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be
financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After
much negotiation they eventually

settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said,
'That looks like a really expensive

digital SLR camera, Excellency, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' They must have seen
you  coming.'

Read More...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

XX - Adult Jokes!

Aural sex is getting your kicks by listening to someone else talk dirty.

Tony met a young woman in a bar.
She accepted his invitation to go back to his apartment with him.
After a few drinks and some soft music, he suggested they retire to
the bedroom, and the girl agreed.
Soon they were going at it hot & heavy, when all of a sudden, Tony
stopped dead, looked at her and said,
"Hey, you don't have herpes, do you?"
"No," she replied. "What would make you ask such a thing?"
"That's a relief," said Tony. "The last girl didn't tell me till it
was too late!"

You know a man is desperate when he practices yoga just so he can give
himself head.

A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to
dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell.
So, they were dancing and she asked,
"So, are you enjoying yourself, Richard?" He said,
"I prefer Dick."
She said,
"Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said,
"Depends on what's in it for me."

A guy and a girl meet at a bar and are instantly attracted to each other.
They party all night, and decide to go back to his place to continue.
Once there, they get passionate and start to make out.
When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and
gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now
coming out of the bathroom.
The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on
he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker, and
hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an asks,
"What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his
penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say,
"Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

When you cross a frigid woman with an apple you get a computer that
won't go down on you.

I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub.
We were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me.
She removed her wig and she was totally bald.
"It's alopecia," she said "but if you still like me you can ask me anything."
I have always wanted to know.
So, I asked her straight.
"Does your condition make you bald in other places?" I asked.
She whispered in my ear
"There's only one way to find out."
What an idiot I am.
Forgetting about Google at a time like this.

The Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company is producing a new model.
It's called the "J. Edgar."
It sucks really good but you can't get it out of the closet.

Jim Morrison is in one corner of a hotel with Ray Manzarek, John
Densmore, and Robby Krieger.
In another corner are Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ronnie Wood and
Charlie Watts and all are naked!
A beautiful woman walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim
Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe.
She swallows nicely then starts on his associates.
When she is finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to Mick
Jagger and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and a SWAT team smashes through a wall.
A policeman jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts,
"You bloody fool, you're only supposed to blow the Doors off!"

Read More...

Indian not Irish

Indo-Pakistan rivalry

Kissinger was asked why it is so hard to bring about a peaceful
settlement of the Indo-Pakistan antagonsim.

He explained it this way

see below


An  Indian, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol
which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime
they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had
to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was
also led away whimpering loudly.

The Indian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is
one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Indian replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me
not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it." And what is your
second wish?" the Sheik asked.

Read More...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

IMPORTANT NOTE TO PET OWNERS

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message
on the front door:


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1)  They live here. You don't.
(2)  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3)  I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4)  To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1)  eat less,
(2)  don't ask for money all the time,
(3)  are easier to train,
(4)  normally come when called,
(5)  never ask to drive the car,
(6)  don't smoke or drink,
(7)  don't want to wear your clothes,
(8)  don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9)  don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .....

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Jack was nimble, but Jack was quick.
So, Jill preferred the candlestick!

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John's answer was:
"Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep
on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?'
When I say 'No,'  he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So, the teacher says to him,
"Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine.
So, the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that John comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness John, why the black eye again?"
He tells her,
"Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?' and I shut up and
kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you
know, at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her
legs up frantically, and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed.
After a while, my father asks my mother, 'Are you coming?' and my mom
answers, 'Yes I'm coming. Are you coming too?' and my dad says, 'Yes.'
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, 'Wait for me.'
... "

The Question:
What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
The Answer:
A Cockrobin.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered
he was The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

The little Greek boy ran away from home, because he didn't like the
way he was being reared.

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night.
So, the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.
Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling
back and forth around their place doing some chores.
Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she
would reveal her secret to her room mate.
"Take a break," Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down."
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full
on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard
to say this. Well, let me be frank".
Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling. Let me be Frank."

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.
"I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and
between the two I make a living."

Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman.
As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency,
they bolted away.
The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him,
"When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right
up his ass."
Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree.
"Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."

Define "ASSETS":
Repeated exercises designed to tighten up your gluts.

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends.
This worked out pretty good since they both lived in the same
apartment building.
One day, he slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was
anything she could do to help.
He responded,
"Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a
gradual erection begin to appear.
"Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely!

Read More...

Scottish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.  He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and
felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"  The man said "No,"
so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"  The man said, "No,"
so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

Read More...

Today's Word

Today's word is:  Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only
get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Read More...

XX - Adult Jokes!

Our neighbourhood diner promotes safe sex.
They write the bill on a condom.
In that way you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill.
.
The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the
congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do
something about teenagers parking behind the church at night.
I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there
to build a car." One of the old sisters stood up and said,
"Amen brother, and enough rubbers to put tires on it."

What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding night?
His last name.

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says,
"Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Jasper.
"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."
So, they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
"Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad
case of gonorrhoea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhoea means. If
it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So, Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates."
He points to his stripes,
"But we're sergeants now."

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy.

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a
huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said,
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy fainted!!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to,
slapping his face and shaking him.
He asked the small white guy,
"What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said,
"Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated,
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The white guy sighed,
"Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach, flunked geography.

Read More...

Dinner

                        A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who
asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

                        The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer
with it instead of dinner?"

                        "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.

                        "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.

                        "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless
man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

                        "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

                        "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

                        "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red
light district instead of food?" the man asked.

                        "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

                        "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner
cooked by my wife."

                        The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably
smell pretty disgusting."

                        The man replied, "That's okay. It's important
for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer,
fishing, golf, and sex."

Read More...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Swedish Virgin

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota,
takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.  He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and
my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in
a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors
and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they
go on their honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to
reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olaf...you' re the
first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Olaf immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis
Lena
..still in DA CRATE!

Read More...

Jokes

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell." St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."
 
 
The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea." The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir."
 
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to
add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I am having such a wonderful time!
Wish you were her..!"

Read More...

Monday, January 24, 2011

XX Adult Puns!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want
to kill the woman who does.

A foreign man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.
He calls the bartender over and in a thick accent and somewhat broken
English says,
"I like to buy those ladies drinks."
The bartender replies,
"It won't do you any good."
The foreign man, with a confused look on his face says,
"Not matter, I want buy those women drinks."
So, the bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and they
acknowledge the drinks with a nod of their heads.
About a half hour later, the man approaches the women and says,
"I like to buy two drink more for you ladies."
The women both reply,
"It won't do you any good."
The foreign man says,
"Me not understand. What you mean 'won't do me any good'?"
The first woman says,
"We're lesbians."
To which the foreign man asks,
"Lesbians? What is a lesbians?"
To which the second woman replies,
"Lesbians... We like to lick pussy."
The foreign man yells,
"Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

Sex is like drugs.
The quality depends on the pusher.

A Southern Cal football star was suffering from constipation.
So, his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the Trojan complained to the doctor that they didn't
produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the star player said, "shoving
them up my ass?"

Read More...

XX The Perfect Woman would say:

some have been deleted as they are too risque


1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3.

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case
of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a
threesome!

5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna
bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please
try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung-over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go
shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10.

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's
asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you
had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again,
come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and
buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You
go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the frigging mall again, come on let's go to that new
strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't
you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the
night feedings.

24. That was a great fart!  Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my
head for ya...

Read More...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Many are those who sow their wild oats Saturday night,
Then, on Sunday morning go to pray for crop failure.

The editor of a small town daily and a cub reporter were discussing
the opening of a new nudist colony in the area.
This one was unique in that was designed for use by PWD [People with
Disabilities] including user friendly accommodations for PWD sun
bathers who required cane, walkers and wheelchairs to get participate
in their activities.
The editor told the young man that this would be a perfect day for him
to go out and do a story on the place.
The reported asked,
"Why is today perfect, boss?"
The editor answered,
"That should be obvious."
"Nothing's happening here in town, and not much on the wires... Or, in
other words, it's a slow nudes day."

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor:
"Can you read the bottom line?"
Girl:
"No." "Can you read the centre line?"
"No."
"Can you read the large top line"
"No."
"Can you even see the chart?"
"No."
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants.
"Can you see this?"
"Of course!"
"Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chat room.
The first guy asks,
"What state are you from?"
While at the same time the second guy asks,
"What do you do for a living?"
To satisfy them both,
She replies,
"Idaho."

Most males in a men's room are stand-up guys.

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so
recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and
stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place
it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which
one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them,
not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it."
And he did.
But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective
even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at
night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighbourhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

"How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?"
"Et TU, Brutus."

Miss Fiske, a crusty university professor, was known for her strictness.
One day, upon exiting her classroom, she saw a young female student
open her purse, pull out a cigarette, and light up.
"Young woman," she said in a stern voice, "I would rather commit
fornication than press a cigarette to my lips."
"So would I," replied the student, "but there's only 10 minutes
between classes."

Define "Vice versa":
Dirty poetry from Italy.

Read More...

XX Adult Puns!

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" asked John.
"I used two fingers." Said the doctor.
"What for?" asked John.
"I needed a second opinion."

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines, with no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have
migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really
anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten
from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a
nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me
off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her
into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
make love to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."

Seventeen year old Marty came home and announced that he'd gotten laid
for the first time.
Shocked, his mother slapped him and sent him to his room.
When his father got home and heard the news, he dutifully went to see his son.
Secretly pleased, he said,
"Well, Marty, I hope you learned something from this."
"Yes, I did, dad." Marty replied. "Next time I won't tell mom, and
I'll use Vaseline. My butt is killing me!"

The dove is the bird of peace,
But the bird of true love is the little swallow.

Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and,
discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to
combine business with pleasure.
The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she
didn't want to be discovered and fired.
After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
The very next morning, his phone rang and his caller was the maid.
In very dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out.
She asked if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"

A video recorder and a man are similar.
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

Read More...

XX Adult Jokes!

There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend, a martini.

When Marie found out on her wedding night that the guy she'd married was gay,
She didn't know which way to turn.

The young swain was putting forth a good argument.
"You see, darling," he was saying to the pretty young thing, "We can
live together for a while; then if we find we have made a mistake - we
can separate very easily."
"Yes," replied the little chick," but what the hell are we going to do
with the little mistake!"

To most modern writers,
Sex is a novel idea.

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get.
So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.
The judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?
She replies,
"Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck.
[Schmuck = the male sex organ.
In this case "Prick" would be the most appropriate English term.]

A friend tells us the only thing better than the sleep of the just is
the sleep of the just-after.

In high school, I was pretty good at putting together a book report
without actually reading the book.
Occasionally, though, my teacher would catch me on it.
Who knew "The Naked and the Dead" wasn't about necrophilia?

Another name for a virgin squaw is 'a wouldn't Indian'.

I'm all for encouraging our children's inquisitive natures and
speaking to them in terms they can understand, but it really creeps me
out when my wife tells the kids they have to go to bed early because
Mommy wants to "Hop on Pop".

The 86 year old man was acquitted of rape because the evidence
wouldn't stand up in court.

A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day.
As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the
girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some
difficulty walking.
The girlfriend finally said,
"Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely."
The blonde replied,
"I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of crap.
He buzzes down and says,
"Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"

A young woman plunked a bucket of quarters down in front a teller at the bank.
The teller fetched the manager who then berated the young woman about
hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

Desperate Straights:
Sex-starved heterosexuals.

A man walks into a bar.
He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says,
"Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place,
it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says,
"No shit, what law firm do you work for?"

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.

Read More...

Confessional Box......!!

sent by a good Catholic

 A guy goes into the confessional box  after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself  down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal  glasses, the best vestry
wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and  liqueur chocolates nearby, and on
the wall a fine  photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to
have  mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come  in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very  long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit  that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used  to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you  idiot.  You're on my side".

Read More...

The baby on the bus..

A bloke was sitting on a London bus when a gorgeous woman next to him
starts breast feeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll
give it to this nice man here."

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again,
"Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I
should have got off four stops ago!"

Read More...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers,
So, they were called the "Mothers Frockers."
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles,
So, they were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day, a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out
of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers,
So, they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking
fight you ever saw.


A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he
noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking young thing, had
sketched the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"

If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three
inches long and crooked?

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house
for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip,
there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and
suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims.
"She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business
can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

Okay, am I the only one who can see more than one meaning for the phrase:
"It's time to get in touch with ourselves"?
Apparently, I am, at least at the group session of Masturbators Anonymous.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he
happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a
sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this,
So, he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says,
"You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,
"I'm not bloody shearing this with no one!

Let's play Titanic,
When I say iceberg,
You go down.

I don't know what happening in this country.
You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing
like school children.
Its a nightmare...
You just don't know whether to carry sweets or money!

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly,
"Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just
playing against yourself.
This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round.
When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was
full of young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.
From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?"
We checked out that night.

Read More...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

Winning Pick-up Lines:
Hand out calling cards which say,
"Smile if you want to sleep with me," then watch the girl try to hold
back her smile.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I'd like to play with some men's balls."

What's the difference between my broadband connection and my ex-husband?
My broadband connection keeps going down on me, but my ex-husband never would.

A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International
Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent.
Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held
without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually
assaulting a Federal agent.
According to Cummings' partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has "multiple
piercings on his manhood" which were detected during a full body scan.
As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down.
Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent "an inordinate
amount of time groping" Cummings, who had apparently become sexually
aroused.
Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while
the TSA agent's hand was feeling the piercings.
The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up.
Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.
A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specific case, but said
that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest

Confusion:
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

This Jewish rock star went to his tailor and asked for a new pair of
pants that he could wear on the stage:
"I want these pants to be skin- tight, I mean SKIN-TIGHT. I want them
to see my equipment down there."
Said the tailor,
"Don't be worrying. Not only will they know about your equipment,
they'll be able to tell your religion."

When a wife learned that her husband had taken a mistress, she yelled,
"Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"
"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

As the auld Scotsman was wont to do, MacTavish was bemoaning his lot in life.
"'Tis a hard thing," he said.  "By all rights, I should ha ben Laird
Mayor of this town, but no, it dinna happen.  With me ain two hands I
designed and built most of the finest houses ye see here, but do they
give me any credit?  Nay, they dinna.  I designed and built that
bridge acros s the river, but did they name it after me? They dinna.
All me life I did all this gude, but, all anyone can call to their
minds when they hear the name 'MacTavish' is one wee unfortunate
incident with a goat."

You know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the
front desk and say,
"I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

The Mrs. Was watching a cooking show the other day.
I said,
"What are you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said,
"You watch porn."
The Bitch!

Read More...

Puns of the Day...

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The other day, I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's
permission, I got set to work in the kitchen.
Then, I discovered that we didn't have any butter.,
So, I sent my dog to buy some.
On the way, he passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display
in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of
poems.
The point of my story is:
Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because he'll get verse
before he gets butter!"

I just saw an ocean liner that was stuck between two wooden docks.
Wow!
Talk about pier pressure.

A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck
of a time telling them apart.
An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads.
The mother replied,
"No, I can tell them apart by their balls. One bawls all night, the
other bawls all day!"

When you get very old you can always avoid boredom by taking a trip to Egypt.
That's really a senile experience!

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the
mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"OK Simpson," says the investigator, "You were near the scene - what
happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror,
"How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd
have done."
"It was, sir."

"Doctor, my husband thinks he's a satellite dish."
Doctor:
"Don't worry, I can cure him."
Wife:
"I don't want him cured; I want you to tune him to get the movie channel."

"Normal life is getting dressed in clothes that you buy on credit for work.
Driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in
order to get to a job that you need so badly, so you can pay for the
clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day, in order to
afford to live in it."

She was so blonde that when told she would need a travel visa, she
asked if her Master Card was OK!

Hitler had only one testicle.
It's true.
You use facts like that to make class more interesting.
But that's the only thing kids remember from that class.
So, you have a history test and the question is,
"The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes, "Hitler had only one nut."

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a
mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was
coming out of his allowance."

Sign in a vegetarian restaurant:
"All we are saying is give peas a chance."

Read More...

Friday, January 14, 2011

XX - ADULT PUNS!

I work on the 20th floor of my building and found out about a "secret"
fire drill next week. If I take the elevator and leave the building
early, am I guilty of premature evacuation?

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes,
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many
can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday..."

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"A 'Daddy Longlegs,'" her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied,
"No, dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're NOT having
any of that shit in Texas!"

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Jill was talking to her hair stylist.
"It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea
about losing her hair ." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best
friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!"

One Greek says to another,
"Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"

Read More...

Food for thought

                          Before sex,  you help each other get naked!!

                              After sex, you  only dress yourself.

                                   The Moral of  the story:

                In life, no one helps you once you've been F....d.

Read More...

Little johnny

The  teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their  parents
did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a  nurse."
"Thats very nice," said the teacher,

"Robert, what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my  mom is a teacher!"
"Thats very nice," said the teacher  ,

"Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's  a prostitute."
Naturally, after that remark,  he was sent to the principal's office
by the class  teacher.
15  minutes later, he returned to class.
"Did you tell the principal what you  said in class?" asked the teacher.
Johnny replied,
"Yes I told,  and he said that in our economy every job is important,
he then gave me an apple  and asked for my mother's  phone number."

Read More...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

A woman teacher asked a zoo keeper during a zoo visit with her 4th grade class,
"What is the difference between the North American porcupine and the
African porcupine ?"
"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied,
"is that the North American species has a longer prick."
The teacher fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building
where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her.
"I apologize for my staff Miss." he said. "It was an unfortunate
choice of terms. What the keeper should have told your children is
that the North American porcupine has a longer quill. Their pricks are
pretty much the same size."

While on her honeymoon, Dorothy Parker was interrupted by her New
Yorker editor, Harold Ross, who was asking after a late book review.
"Too fxxking busy," Parker replied, "and vice versa."

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sitting and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?

TRIPLETS -
Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

An American businessman is in Japan.
The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him
upstairs with a hooker.
As he's fucking her, she starts screaming,
"Nashagai Ana! Nashagai Ana!"
He's going,
"Yeah, baby, take it all..."
He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming,
"Nashagai Ana! Nashagai Ana!"
The next day, he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he
slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says,
"Nashagai Ana."
The American asks,
"What does that mean?"
The Japanese replies,
"Wrong hole."

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

A zoo acquires a female gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla becomes very ornery, and difficult to handle.
The vet determines she is in heat, but there is no male gorilla available.
The zoo administrators approach Mike, who cleans animal cages.
Mike, while not very bright, is rumoured to be extremely well endowed.
They ask:
"Would you be willing to screw this gorilla for five hundred bucks?"
"Well, let me think it over and I'll let you know tomorrow. "
The next day, Mike says:
"I'll do it, but only under three conditions.
First, I don't want to have to kiss her.
Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
Third, I need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite!

Two women were having coffee, when one said,
"I used to call my ex 'Superman' when we were in bed."
The second commented,
"How flattering!" to which the first replied,
"Not really! I meant that he was faster than a speeding bullet."

Most men prefer Dial soap because Dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

The dumbest part of a mans body is his penis.
It hangs out with a couple of nuts, lives next door to an ass-hole and
his best friend is a pussy!

Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch
diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and cannot
park a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?

Little Johnny is sleeping in bed when his mother comes along and says:
"Rise and shine Little Johnny, time to wake up."
Little Johnny replies,
"Five more minutes mum."
His mother decides to give him five more minutes.
So, she goes down the stairs and starts cooking breakfast.
After five minutes Little Johnny comes down the stairs and is crying
uncontrollably. "What's wrong Little Johnny?" asks his mother.
"I had a wet dream last night," Little Johnny replied.
His mother is surprised, but keeps her composure.
"That's nothing to cry over, is it Little Johnny?" she says.
"Of course it bloody is," says Little Johnny. "If anyone ever asks me
what I said after my first orgasm, I'll have to tell them five more
minutes, mom!'"

Mary was walking down the street and she saw a sign on a fabric store
window that said 'Felt For $0.25 Per Foot'
Mary just laughed and laughed,  because she knew that she could get
felt for free.

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a
sign on them saying "5 Boxes $1"
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said,
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said,
"That can't be right!"
The clerk says,
"Oh yes, it's right! Five boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

There was a little boy standing in the bathroom of a store.
Watching an older man pee in a urinal, the little boy said,
"My daddy has two of those."
The man asked,
"Your daddy has two penises?"
The little boy replied,
"Yes. He has a small one for peeing, and a big one he chases momma
around the house with."

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

Read More...

OVERCONFIDENCE !

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy
said,

"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.
A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild
guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher
held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off
the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?"
she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the
process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she
asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more
big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

 With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Read More...

Times are bad

The Recession hits everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in  Beverly Hills  fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in  Las Vegas  is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!

The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

It was a hot day in Iowa.
Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought,
"Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked,
"Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied,
"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Would masturbating while on an international flight be called "skyjacking off"?

Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour,
"It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came
to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains
and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said,
"Was he short, about 5'8"?"
"Yes," the neighbour answers,
"I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
"Yes," the neighbour agrees.
"Then that was the mailman, Jim," Thorn responds. "He'll screw anyone!"

A guy shouted to his girlfriend,
"Come here and look at my clock!"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on, and says,
"That's not a clock."
"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

A straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser.
A homosexual who can't get a date is called a poor sucker

Despite the old saying,
"Don't take your troubles to bed," many men still sleep with their wives.

Read More...

SENIORS TRAVEL

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the
window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could
never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

Read More...

Puns of the Day...

"I work in a horse barn," said Bob.
"There really is no need to sob.
Though the work is crappy,
Like I told my pappy,
At least it's a good stable job."

Eunuch:
What you do when the doorbell is out of order

I was in Afghanistan speaking with a reporter as a soldier packed her things.
The major came over and noticed some odd-looking pieces of cloth on her cot.
"What are you doing with all these eye patches?" he asked, lifting one up.
Taking it from him, she mumbled,
"Um, this is my thong underwear."

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

One day, Jake, a nine-year-old boy, asked to pack his own lunch for school.
His mom agreed.
But they couldn't agree on WHAT he should pack,
So, they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
He must have at least:
One sandwich,
One apple,
Pretzels,
A carton of milk and
A vegetable.
This was Jake's list:
Candy,
Candy,
Candy.
Jake agreed to compromise.
Sure enough, the next morning, Jake was ready for school and he packed
his lunch making sure he had a sandwich, apple, pretzels, some milk --
and for his vegetable he chose corn.
His mom came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An (ice cream) sandwich;
A (caramel) apple;
(white chocolate-covered) pretzels, with sprinkles on top;
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk, and
A bag of candy corn!

A man who used to perform autopsies was arrested for taking home 157
pounds of human body parts.
Do you know what his bail cost him?
An arm and a leg

There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to
the circus.
On the big day, however, his mother told him that his Uncle had flown
to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches.
"I didn't know Uncle Al loved that game so much," mourned the boy.
"Oh, but he does," she assured him, "Many's the time I've heard Alfred
laud tennis, son!"

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet --
It cuts off your circulation!

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small
Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which
read:
"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said,
"I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work
eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours
Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't 't good
enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest
grandchild in the world.

Read More...

Puns of the Day...

"I did nothing wrong," Tom inveighed.
"I'm innocent, very dismayed."
While he's out on appeal,
He continues his spiel.
So justice, for now's, been delayed.

When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good
at what he did.

I feel so much more confident that the TSA's nude photos of airline
passengers will never be released now that I know the government
couldn't even prevent half a million classified national security
documents from being posted on WikiLeaks.

A clumsy file clerk dropped her birth control pills into the Xerox machine.
It wouldn't reproduce for a month .

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked,
"Pasteurised?"
She replied,
"No just up to my chin."

The hippie couple were somewhat distressed that their son didn't also
turn out to be a flower child,
"Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."
Eight year old Johnnie came home from school one day.

At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that
tomorrow in school they were going to learn about sex education.
The next evening at the dinner table Johnnie's mother asked,
"Well Johnnie, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnnie said,
"I think the teacher said we should avoid intersections and buy condominiums."

After her face-lift, she was able to keep her chin up.

A woman who was on a perennial diet, starved her husband right along
with herself, till he complained to his pastor that he couldn't get
his wife to serve him a decent meal and he was growing positively
malnourished.
"I can't get her to listen to reason. Maybe you can get somewhere with
her," the hubby complained.
So, the pastor counseled the ever-dieting woman, who at last saw the
error of her ways. "What shall I do to make amends?" she asked her
spiritual counselor.
He told her,
"Just repent and thin no more."

I've been on so many blind dates.
I should get a free dog.

When a mother found out she was pregnant again, she told the good news
to anyone who would listen.
Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' conversations, and
one day when they were at the mall shopping, a woman asked the little
boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. It's gonna be called Christina or Quits!"
"Quits??" asked the woman, quizzically.
"Yup," replied the boy. "I heard Mom say 'If it's a girl we're going
to call her Christina, but if it's another boy we're going to call it
quits'!"

Never squat while wearing your spurs.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

If you don't enjoy masturbation, you have only yourself to blame

Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal.
"My girlfriend  just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news
bulletin," said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris.
Frank took a deep  breath and said,
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes.
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes.
So, smokers,
"Screw! Screw for your lives!"

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her  birthday and she declared,
"A baby brother."
"Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said  her mom,
"But there just isn't time before your birthday."
Susie thought for a moment and replied,
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

Fred tells his buddy,
"Truth be told, I'm bored with  my woman, with the same old sex night
after night after  night. I guess I'm hankering for a bit of variety."
His  friend Jim replied,
"Well, if you want variety, why  don't you just, you know, turn her
over every now and  again?"
Fred says,
"What? And have a house full of kids?"

Sex with your wife like a 7-11 store.
There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?

When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little
Town where we lived.
She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age.
My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday.
On Sunday Morning, we woke up and started to have sex.
We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly.
Then, we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come
home for a Sunday lunch!
When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my Mother
was sitting at the dining room table and asked,
"Did your Father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"
He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said,
"No mom, he did not."
She replied,
"I didn't think so. We were married for 28 years and He never made me
scream like that!!"

When you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers,
You have 100 people that don't do dick.

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says,
"Th-that's... Um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh, that. That's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

Another name for a zipper is a Penis Fly Trap.

Read More...

A man loses both his ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.He heard of a very good
one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought
a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right." After the operation,
bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You
swine, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear.

It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.said the surgeon.

" "You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

Read More...

Monday, January 10, 2011

jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,  who was looking
for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy.   Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a
part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind
son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Read More...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Bankers make the best lovers because they know first hand the penalty
for early withdrawal.

There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday.
I decided to go and see what the group was like.
I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that evening
and found the room completely empty.
It was then I realized that I came too soon.

Tip for beginning rock stars:
Never moon the audience while suffering from projectile diarrhoea ~
that's when the shit hits the fan.

An eight-year-old boy asked his father what is the difference with an
old-time woman's panty and a now-a- days panty.
His father told him that from his experience the only suitable answer
he could give him was that you had to move the panty to see the ass a
long time ago, but now you have to move the ass to see the panty!

Gay politicians are always seeking mandates.

During the Richard Nixon debacle, and the "Saturday Night Massacre, in
which Nixon fired his special prosecutor Archibald Cox, a bumper
sticker displayed the next day in Washington read,
"Nixon is a Cox sacker."

My ex thought he was so good he called himself 'Hammer.'
He liked to talk about how often he nailed me.

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will
pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that
your mother will not suspect."
So, the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son, (shooting bird - $300).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this,
So, he wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

Did you hear about he new athletic shoe for lesbians?
They are called "Dikes."
They come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

Read More...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

It was a difficult case for the jurors.
They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC
were guilty of obscenity.
The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to
the club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part
where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic
scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide
definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So, the jury members asked to see the act one more time.
They watched it carefully again.
But they still couldn't reach a decision.
So, this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one
more time. Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very
understanding.
According to the Detective:
"It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

Gallop:
Sexual position formally known as "female superior"

Two little boys were engaging in the traditional verbal battle of
little boys everywhere: "My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No, he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
A pause.
"Well, I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

Bill and Bob have tended bar together for years.
One day Bill says,
"I love my wife, but sometimes I get bored.
Tell me, have you ever thought of switching?
Who says you have to be with your wife and I have to be with my wife
all the time!"
Bob says,
"Hey, that's a great idea. Let's talk to our wives and see what they think."
Each of them talks to his wife, and much to their delight the wives
agree to the plan.
The next morning Bob says to Bill,
"How was it for you?"
Bill says,
"I had a lot of fun, we should do this again."
"That's what I think," says Bob.
"Let's go next door and see how the girls made out."

A blonde I know won't talk during sex because her mother told her
never to talk to strangers.

A middle-aged friend of ours read Lolita recently.
"I can't understand what all the excitement is about," he told us. "I
didn't find anything in it that could be considered even vaguely
sensational, and neither did my twelve-year-old wife."

Old Seth goes to the doctor to see about erection problems.
"I'll be ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Seth said, "and the warm
sun and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time I can get
back to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--and I can't get it
back up. Can you give me somethin' to help keep it up?"
The doc says no, he can't.
Age carries its price.
But--perhaps some signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared
as paw arrived at the house?
Maybe maw could even meet him halfway?
"A great idea!" says Seth. "There's a little grove about halfway to
the house from where I'm plowin'. Me and maw used to have sex there
when we were younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry my shotgun and
when it's all up and hard, I'll fire it and she'll get there same time
as I do. Thanks doc!"
Time passes.
The doctor meets Seth at the bank one morning and asks how he's doing.
Seth says he's okay.
The doc asks how Seth's wife is, and Seth says,
"Poor maw, she's dead!"
"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?"
"Just run herself to death durin' the quail season," said Seth.

Two Dallas women opened a marina.
They ran the best little oarhouse in Texas.

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a
little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the
bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says,
"Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says,
"That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But... The decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh," says the wife, "Ours is prettier."

Read More...

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Fabulous Compilation..!

Napoleon said..

"The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people,
but because of the silence of good people!"

Shakespeare said..

"In The Times Of Crisis I Was Not Hurt By The Harsh Words Of  My
Enemies, But By The Silence Of My Friends".


Michael Paul said..

I wrote on the door of the heart, "Please do not enter"
Love came smiling and said: "Sorry I am an illiterate"

Einstein said..

"I am thankful to all those who said NO to me
It's Because of them that I did it myself.

Abraham Lincoln said..

"If friendship is your weakest point then you are the strongest person
in the world."

Shakespeare said..

"Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of   Sorrow! But It
Means That They Have The Ability To Deal With It"

Shakespeare said..

"Never Play With The Feelings Of Others Because You May  Win The Game
But You Will Surely Lose The Person For Life Time"

Shakespeare said..

"Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So
When Your Value Increases Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"

William Arthur said..

"Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You Wait Too Long You Can   Miss Them"

Hitler said..

"When You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You,
But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You"

Shiv Khera..

"If We Are Not Part Of The Solutions, We Are The Big Problems"
"Winners Never Do  Different Things,
They Do  Things Differently".

John Keats said..

"It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone,
But It Is Very Hard To Win Someone"

Read More...

Logical Joke

Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing family  tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and  great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on
the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob
took a  boat out to the middle of the lake. Johnny stepped out of the
boat  ...and nearly drowned!

Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to  safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his  grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday so  why can't I walk
'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Johnny's crossed lil  eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
born in January when  the lake is frozen, and you were born in July
you dumbass!'

Read More...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

A clever woman I know wired up her vibrator to her bedside radio and
came up with the world's first radio alarm cock!


The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD.
But it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

We're at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing
channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with
a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
MOther told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in
all the innocence and wonder of a child,
"Does the man ever get his penis back?"

Read More...

Texting codes for seniors

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting  there appears to
be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.

ATD:  At The Doctor's

BFF:  Best Friend Farted

BTW:  Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT:  Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:  Covered By Medicare

CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Centre

DWI:  Driving While Incontinent

FWB:  Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:  Forgot Where I Was

FYI:  Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:  Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:  Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:  Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO:  Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:  Living On Lipitor

LWO:  Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR:  On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:  Oh My – Sorry, Gas.

ROTFL – ACGU:  Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can't Get Up

SGGP:  Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL:  Talk To You Louder

WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP:  Where's The Prunes?

WWNO:  Walker Wheels Need Oil

WMDP:  Where's My Damn Phone?

GGLKI:  Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Welfare office

A young man in dandy clothes walked into the local welfare office to
pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather
have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This
is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well .... You started it."

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Since I announced loudly at the local drugstore that I wanted some
extra large condoms, my wife has sure taken a lot of ribbing.

The big difference between hobos & homos is:
Hobos have no friends,
&
Homos have friends coming out their ass!

ADULTERY -
The wrong people doing the right thing.


The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her,
"I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies,
"Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

Married sex is like ordering a Civil War chess set from the Franklin Mint.
Every four to six weeks you get a piece.

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Today`s education..... - interesting facts

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London,
Which used to have a gallows adjacent to it.
Prisoners were taken to the gallows, (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an
armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the
prisoner if he would like
''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as
"ONE FOR THE ROAD"
If he declined, that prisoner was
"ON THE WAGON"

So, there you go.
More bleeding history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot
&
Then once a day, it was taken & sold to the tannery.
If you had to do this to survive you were,
"Piss Poor",
But worse than that, were the really poor folk, who couldn't even
afford to buy a pot,
They "Didn't have A pot to Piss in"
&
Were the lowest of the low.
 The next time you are washing your hands and complain, because the water
Temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June,
Because they took their yearly bath in May
And
They still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers, to hide the body odour.
Hence,
The custom today,
Of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men,
Then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was s dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm,
So all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and fall off the roof.
Hence, the saying:
"It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom,
Where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top, afforded
some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.
Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence, the saying,
"Dirt Poor."
The wealthy had slate floors,
That would get slippery in the winter when wet,
So they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh,
Until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence:
A thresh hold...
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle, that
always hung
Over the fire.
Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner,
Leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight,
Then start over the next day.
Sometimes, stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot,
nine days old''.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon, to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could,
"Bring home the Bacon."
They would cut off a little, to
Share with guests and would all sit around talking and
''Chew the fat''.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the
food, causing lead poisoning & death.
This happened most often with tomatoes,
So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided, according to status...
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
The family got the middle,
and
Guests got the top,
or
''The Upper Crust''.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination, would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple
of days. Someone walking along the road, would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a
couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence, the custom of
''Holding a Wake''.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury
people.
So, they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house
and re-use the grave...
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive.
So, they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,
thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night,
(the graveyard shift)
To listen for the bell;
Thus, someone could be,
''Saved by the Bell ''
or
was considered a '
'Dead Ringer''
And
that's the truth.

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