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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

X-DON'T EAT CHICKEN

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on
all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that
her
sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little
Feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked
if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the
NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

SouthAsian Secret to a Happy Married Life

A South Asian was asked by his friend, "What is the secret behind your
happy married life?"

SAsian: "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect
each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

Friend: "Can you explain?"

SAsian: "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my
wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
decisions."

Still not convinced, the friend asked "Give me some examples".

SAsian: "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much to
save, when to visit the home town, which sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. are
decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

Friend: "Then what is your role?"

SAsian: "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether
America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over
Zimbabwe, whether to widen the African economy, whether Sachin
Tendulkar should retire from cricket etc., etc. and do you know, my
wife NEVER, objects to any of these decisions".

Nice Equations :

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++ ++
Equation 2

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey

In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Equation 3

Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +

To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Raising kids in the new millenium

Why do elks need antlers?

OK OK ...its a guy thing

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An Irish Love Sory

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself  from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way  out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the  railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite
scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
......

'Back off' she screamed, 'they're for the funeral.'

Stops color from running

An Aboriginal man in Echuca goes to the hospital with a problem - he
just can' t stop jogging or stand still !

"Hey white doctor" says the Blackman. "What ya think is makin' me
run all over the place. It 's too puckin hot for dat shit. "

The doctor says. " It's got me beat but hey I might have a cure."
The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the Abo
to snort them.
The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging
up and down and stands dead still.

"Puck me drunk it worked. Is that cocaine? " he asks the doctor.

"No " the doctor replies. " It's Tide washing powder - guaranteed to
stop coloureds from running. " !!!

Couples and married Life.

* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as
I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home
& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home &
economist in Bed.

* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other
person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

THE WEDDING RING -True Story

From Houston Medical Center .

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found

the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used

petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now you decide what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

X - Off color story

       After attending a party for his boss,
       the life of the party was nursing a
       King-size hangover and asked his
       wife, "what in the hell happened
       last night?"
       "As usual. you made an ass of yourself
        in front of your boss", replied the
        wife.
        "Piss on him" answered the husband.
        "You did" said the wife. "and he
        Fired you"
         "Well screw him" said the husband
         "I did , and you go back to work
         today"

A real snitch.

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, " What did
you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she
replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches
were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Chicken Farmer - an oldie but worth a repeat.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So. Farmer John called
And called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
Look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign..
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY!

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

Grand Parents.

1.. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
Done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to
leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet
paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without
thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she
Threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside On a pond I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in.. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd
gotten to
Know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I
said, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

6.. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's'
word processor.. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it
about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied.. 'I can't read.'

7.. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so
I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour
it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!'

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from
Attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now
the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm
not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised, 'mine says
I'm 4 to 6.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her Grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? 'It's
simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,'
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you
know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying a child.

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another.. 'He's just for good luck..' A third child
brought the argument to a close.'They use the dogs,' she said firmly,
'to find the fire hydrants.'

13.. A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE
JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER
BACK TO THE AIRPORT. '

14. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS,
BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

15.. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas
leaks, and they blame their dog.

How do these people survive?

ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So. I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me,
'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her, 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number.
So she was using the ATM 'thingy.' .
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied,
'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
un-locker. Now, I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing
to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE.

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother says,
'I just gave him some ant killer...'
Dispatcher:
'Rush him in to emergency!'

Monday, September 28, 2009

Fantastic Photos - 1

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Eye Caching Photos

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Fantastic Photos - 2

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Fantasticphotos

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Terrains in Afghanistan

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Terrains In Afghanistan

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Temple of the Tigers

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Templeofthetigers

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Memory Test - try it

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Memory Testforthe Aging

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Publicity

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Caricatures

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Afrika - Magnifique

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Some old some new...

Sometimes A Light Goes On

Two men working in a factory were talking.

"I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.

The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.
"I'm a lightbulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man
walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed
him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

It Was All A Blur

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the
police show up, they ask him what transpired. The shaken turtle
replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Confident Vs. Confidential

A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident
and confidential?"

His dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend
over there is also my son. That's confidential!"

Anger Management?

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

A Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon and laid it
on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the
bird's chest and informed the woman that her duck was dead.

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador
retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog on the head and led it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, "$150!
Just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat
scan, it's now $150."

Say What?

Three old guys are out walking:

The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Huh?

A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," says the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."

The Irishman

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?"
asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt
honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar
for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me
he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1,600 lives.
Twice.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

X- ADULT PUNS.

My doctor put me on a new diet.
Viagra and prune juice.
Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says,
"Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies,
"OK. That's one of my favourite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie, throws him down on
the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests,
"Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks,
"What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do you."
Willie replies,
"You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favourite
things. But, if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."
Ethel asks,
"What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"
Willie explains,
"The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, you
screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for
their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said,
"This here is a very special 'casino -- our weddin' night and we need
a very special room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked,
"Do you want the Bridal?"
The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied,
"No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less
Inclined to wear my windbreaker.

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date
were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr.
Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just
waiting for Mr. Big."

A young boy asked his mother,
"Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered,
"The other day, daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said
that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's
so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's
sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to
see how long he slept.
So, he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score
a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly, she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they
become rather chummy.
It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol.
The blonde leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word,
"OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when
the blonde stops him and says,
"Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell
you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ...
" That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says,
"God, I'm Coming!!"

Bill's friend Harry walks into a clinic to have his blood taken to
test his cholesterol.
The buxom nurse went about taking the blood sample from his finger.
After finishing she looked around for a piece of cotton to wipe away
the excess blood.
She couldn't find one so she looked innocently at the guy, took his
finger and sucked it.
Harry was pleased and asked,
"Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

Men are like..... Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his
computer to four women in our provider relations department.
He was having problems with the computer.
So, the ladies went back to their office until he could get the
program pulled up.
I was not aware of any of this, so I was a little shocked when I
walked in the office
door, and heard one of the ladies shouting down the hallway,
"Hurry up girls and get in here, Al finally got it up!"

Chess Players check their mates

Not sure it's still a tradition, but years ago when a college lad was
serious about a girl, he would give her his fraternity pin to wear.
Susan came back to the dorm and told her roomie,
"Well, it finally happened. Frank pinned me."
Her roomie turned on the lights and said,
"Congratulations! Oh, let me see it."
Confused, Susan replied,
"Let you see what?"

Impotence:
Nature's way of saying,
"No Hard Feelings."

Saturday, September 26, 2009

X - My New Shoes

SI, BUON GIORNO SENOR!!!

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
Holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
As they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance,
And after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do,
But how do you kow that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over
And the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red, eyes welling.
He says,"Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight. But why those tears ?"
Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God; they are tears of relief and joy!!
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - Desi version

Click on the (arrow) video below to see it ...

The Sri Lankan (SL) Cow

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk..

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in SL quite cheap..

They brought the cow from SL and it was wonderful, produced lots of
milk every day and everyone was happy..

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull
tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very
wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice..

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the
one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sri Lanka?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had bought the cow over from SL.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in SL ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from SL"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

THE POPE AND GOLF

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish
people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over
the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent
a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game
of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their
representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and
ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the
proposal. "Your Holiness" said one of the
Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game
of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am
afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and, because he had never
held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have
a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal
replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an
American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to
make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as
your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call
was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to
play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is
Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news,
your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus",
said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag,
but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of
golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by
far. I must have been inspired from above.

My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate
and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due
respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi
Tiger Woods."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

TEACHING MATHS

1.Teaching maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation
of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might
feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to the Amish or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence.
He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and
Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut
something.
He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident; however,
he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is
therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA
is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government
agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100
because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to
find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.
He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing
an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is
in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the
black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel
and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and
asbestos sheeting. The forester, on release, is warned that failure to
clear the fly-tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an
offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal
costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, give up, sign on the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime
mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and
the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry;
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and
send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is
easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their
holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh
girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap.
The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the
difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
# 'DE3,D *(J9
-HDG 4'-F) EF '.4( E',D
/HD'1. 5'-( *CDA) ''F*=D 8,
EF 'D+EF. E'
GH 'D1(- DG''

Monday, September 21, 2009

Know your spellings

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful
banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other
people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, 'Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.
'Which word?' the woman asked.
'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was
guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'
'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you
and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled
all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water
skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!
How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.

'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' , she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the
supposed lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
(45 letters).

Blind man's good sense of smell

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also
the owner, hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a
greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,
yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

"Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who
is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.

A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind
man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it
to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork..

As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready. "Good afternoon sir, this
time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?*

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sri Lankans are the Best - Why??

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Sri Lankan were drinking at a bar,
discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made
her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Sri Lankan says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife
all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with
the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
What did you do to make her scream for two hours??

SL: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Friday, September 18, 2009

X - New version of an old one

THE 'GEOGRAPHY' OF A WOMAN*

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open
to trade, especially for someone with cash..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and
all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious
past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous
spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

*THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN*

Between 1 and 100 , a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

an oldie but still good

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who
want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you
B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down
the tracks'!!!

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind
of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for "TWO HOURS"!!!

When you come out you may play with your train but I want You to Use
nice language.' !!!

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train!!!
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added....

'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.' !!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Misunderstood

Lesbians living next door to a friend of mine asked him what he
would like for his birthday. He told me he was very surprised when
they gave him a Rolex. He said it was very nice of them, but I think
they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."

GUNS vs. WOMEN

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman..............

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Grave Humour.

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he
asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him
and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks
the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher,
shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again,
but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the
water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my
brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he
dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he
holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk
begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls
him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of
God, have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes
and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
²
²
²
²
*
*
:
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

A True Man.....!!!!!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the Gentleman who is seated over there.'..and indicated
the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I
have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche
Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami
, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Lou isiana . There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back.'

A Love Letter in the HR division..

A HR Manager wrote a love letter to his girlfriend!!!

Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love letter to his girlfriend??

Here goes...
---------------------------------

Dearest Ms.Mary

Sub: Offer of Love!

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since
the 20th of October (Thursday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. (at
1500 hrs), I would like to present myself to you
as your prospective lover..

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and
depending on compatibility, would be made
permanent!

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuance on the
job training process and performance appraisal schemes leading up to
your promotion
from 'lover' to spouse!!!

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment by us would
initially be shared 'equally' between us.

Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the bills.

However, I am broadminded enough to be taken care of on your expense
account if you so wish!

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter...failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further
notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy if you could forward this letter to your sister - if
you do not wish to participate.

Wishing YOU all the best!

Thanking you in Anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Manager HR.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

THE SQUIRREL AND THE GRASSHOPPER

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building And improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
Grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

-----------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the
squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald That the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls For an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to
make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels
to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined
for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing
on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court
the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
Furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to
the more Needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country
of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
because of Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police
fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves
to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

Friday, September 11, 2009

XX - John's Secretary

Joe : '' Your secretary is very sexy. ''

John : '' Thanks, it's a robot from Japan . Her name is "Sweety" .
If you squeeze its right breast it takes notes and if you
squeeze the left it types. I'll lend it to you for a day and
you can see for yourself. ''

Next day Joe called from hospital and shouted:

'' John you BASTARD, you didn't tell me Sweety's pxxxy is a pencil sharpener. ''

To those who are married, .. not married ... and soon to be married...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent over twenty years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said.. for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with a broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day?

She requested that everyday for the month's duration, I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy but just to make our last days together bearable, I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions...
She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, Daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.

I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her?

On the fourth day when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this.. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout.. made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said Dad.. it's time to carry Mum out.
To him seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy?

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, sorry Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me astonished and then touched my forehead.
Do you have a fever? she said. I moved her hand off my head.
Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce.

My marriage life was boring, probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives and not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day.. I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up.
She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.
I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife.
The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote... I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead!

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship.
It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the money in the bank, or the blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness - but cannot give happiness in themselves!!!

So find the time to be your spouse's best friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy..

Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage..

- LIFE IS TO LOVE!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Udu Rawana's letter to Bill Gates

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'Stop' button. We request
you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 'Re-scooter' is available in system? I
find only 'Re-cycle,' but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button,
but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one
icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining
items?

6.. It is surprising that windows says 'MY PICTURES' but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use
the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents.' When you will provide 'My Past
Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places.' For God sake please do not provide
'My Secret Places.' I do not want to let my wife know where I go after
my office hours.

Regards
Udu Rawana

P.S.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but
you are selling WINDOWS?

Monday, September 07, 2009

Oldies but good - Excerpts from a DC Airline Ticket Agent

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country
is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an aeroplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the
length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape
Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is
it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save
time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left
at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT) and I'm overweight. I think that's
very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno,
Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
(D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''.
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't.. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I
told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''

"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked
up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino
anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like
manure, you just gotta spread it around.

X - Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait..

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face................PRICELESS

Thinking on your feet

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working
in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the
matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old
bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right
behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can
think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

An Outspoken Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Tasmania, Australia.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name
of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells: 'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on
your lap!'

Sunday, September 06, 2009

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry
that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight
questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is
whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any
way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw'
and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,
canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter 'S.'

THIS IS PRETTY COOL - HAVE A GREAT DAY

scroll for answers

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward s . Niagara
Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year
because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every
minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small,
and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle
is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are
ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with 'dw' Dwarf, dwell and dwindle .

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ... Period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

The missing letter!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error
in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed theR!'

His forehead all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

'CELEB R ATE!!!'

Old is ...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes!

Love Making Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses - to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partners' name on your hand in case you can't remember her name.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up
a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this
and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me.'

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Statement of the Century - Billy Connelly

I just know that every man will love this and only a few brave women
will actually pass it on!

'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a
headache and sex at the same time?'

XX - Million $ questions ......

These are definitely risque...so if you are a prude do not read this ...

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position
with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll
have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when
you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in
Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the
bloody apple!

Friday, September 04, 2009

Another oldie - THE POLICEWOMAN & THE BLONDE

FINALLY....THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it,
and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,

'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'

X - Oldie but still great - Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..

Joe tried
on the suit it fit perfectly..

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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